So let me sum-up what I can remember....my apologies for the ones that are incorrect....
There's an issue with her refusal to hold a job, yet she continues to spend money freely, and behaves like a petulant child when asked to live within a budget. A budget that was created, in part, to assist is paying her substantial medical bills.
Her illnesses only become the main issue when they serve her purposes, and the symptoms oddly disappear when she needs or wants something.
She is an unwilling intimate partner, and not just in terms of intercourse, but in every other way as well.
She not only refuses to attend counseling, she "forbids" you from attending as well.
You have been all but completely cut-off from friends and your family due to her emotional insecurity, and have given up things that you used to be passionate about to appease her.
I'm sure there are other things that I don't recall at the moment, but I think that may be the crux of the biscuit. You have given it YOUR all. There's absolutely nothing else YOU can do. I know you know that....but it's good to hear.
I don't know if there's any special way to make things easier on either of you, but to attend some private counseling and work through your emotions. Continue to offer for her to attend as well. Make a plan for yourself, and stick to it. Expect both of you to grieve the loss of this marriage in a very similar way to the loss of a loved one. All of those stages of grief are pretty common in a divorce.
I can tell you, as the party that made the decision in my first marriage...that it sucks rocks. I felt horribly guilty, and tried to bargain my way out of it for a while...only to realize that cut-and-dry was the way to go. I made a plan and stuck to it. Eight years later, I'm 100% positive that it was the right choice, and that I would make the same choice again...even knowing what I know now.