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#165880 - 11/18/06 04:12 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: Buckeye]
Patrice Offline
addict

Registered: 07/22/06
Posts: 401
I see your point, Buckeye. My ex gave me his announcemnt a month after my b-day, one of the best I'd ever had with him. We had also recently taken a get-away vacation (just us). Hearing that he hadn't been happy for a "long time", etc. made me figure those nice times were a big fake on his part. I guess maybe he was still figuring out what he wanted to do at those points.

Christmas may be a little more significant for Jack, though, since it invovles seeing the relatives. He may be better off for his own welfare not dropping the "bomb" right before he has to see everyone.

The irony of the birthday thing for me, is that our court date turned out to be on my next b-day. He felt pretty crummy about it (I heard) but I figured I might as well start my "new life" on my birthday. I did go for a great massage as a gift to myself the next day!!
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

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#165881 - 11/18/06 04:53 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: Patrice]
I_am_Jack Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 186
Loc: Louisiana
To complicate issues, my wife starts a new job monday. She also has still not completely recovered from her last surgery, although she is at 70-80% and she's been homemaking (fixing up our apartment, decorating for the holidays) for the past two weeks... ...since she's been out of work.

Things will get a little better, but will plunge back down to an unacceptable level within a few weeks. Should I wait for a low? Or end it when things are going pretty OK?
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras

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#165882 - 11/18/06 05:37 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: I_am_Jack]
rocketgirl Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
I suggest, like above, waiting until the first of the year. You've put yourself into a cycle of highs and lows... thinking it's okay when it's "high" and wanting to end it when its "low". I think once you set a f*irm date.. say January 15th or whatever to have the "talk" with her, make your mind up that it WILL be that day and you will NOT change your mind when she turns on the "tear faucet", then it will be easier for you. Just make your mind up and stick with it no matter what happens.

I'm not sure why a new job would complicate issues... she is going to need a job when you divorce to support herself so this is the best time to get one. As far a recovery... she will never be recovered if you let it play into this. She knows how to manipulate you to make you stay. Her recovery is HERS.. not YOURS.
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Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#165883 - 11/18/06 05:55 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: rocketgirl]
I_am_Jack Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 186
Loc: Louisiana
the new job complicates things because it is 300 miles away from her family, and I'm assuming she will want to move home when we divorce.

Something I think is interesting: People who commit suicide when they are depressed, actually attempt it and especially complete it when they are coming out of a depressive episode. The idea is that when you are in a major depressive state, you do not even have the energy to kill yourself. However, when the depression is going away, the individual has a moment of clarity, when they realize the pain will come back, and have the energy and determination to make sure that it doesn't--by killing themselves.

Similarly, it is not when things are at the worst that I think of divorce, it is when things start to get better, and I know they will get worse again.

not sure what this is supposed to mean, but thought it was an interesting parallel.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras

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#165884 - 11/18/06 06:14 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: Rebecca5]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
I stand by my response. I'm not skewering for wanting to divorce her - he seems to be doing that enough on his own. I know first hand how much being a caregiver can affect ones life and relationships, and how much the guilt can eat at you when you've decided you've had enough.

Jack seems to be at the point where as much as he would like to help her, he feels guilty and emotionally blackmailed into staying. I pointed out her self esteem is not strong enough to withstand his declaration of divorce if she's making those types of stmts. I suggested counseling would help her, but it would also help HIM.

Despite his logical need to want his own life; his right to have a life that isn't wrapped around another person's illness, he WILL feel like a jerk and he WILL feel guilt for leaving her. Support from a counselor will help him realize he's not unreasonable in wanting to be happy. If he can get her to the counselor with him all the better - for her, and for him.

I suspect that no matter what he does for her, or has done for her in the past, he's still going to feel like that jerk for a long time to come.

P.S. She can't forbid him to see a counselor unless he allows it, and heaven help him if he sleeps with her. All of this will be moot if she shows up preggers.

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#165885 - 11/18/06 06:23 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: I_am_Jack]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Her family shouldn't have that much power over when you tell her you're filing. Best case scenario is they might actually be supportive of her, and she can transition her neediness and dependence to someone else.

Do whats best for you when it comes to deciding when to tell her. You are going to get hit enough with having to work out things around her and her feelings/needs as the divorce progresses.

Take care of you where you can, because no matter what you do you're not going to come out guilt-free or understood by her or her family.

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#165886 - 11/18/06 07:21 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: Renee]
I_am_Jack Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 186
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks, Renee. I didn't feel like you were attacking me or attempting to talk me into staying.

As Rebecca pointed out, I've simply been there before. In May, I persuaded her to come to counceling with me on threat of divorce, but there was always some excuse why it didn't work out.

Counceling did not do much for me, and I doubt it would do anything for my wife (she did not want me to go, because she thought the councelor would try to talk me into divorcing her--I went without her, and that caused a lot of contention).

If I told her I was thinking of divorce, she would do just about anything to keep me from going, but only until I decided to stay...then we'd be back to where we started. Going to counceling is a terrible idea because she does not want to believe it can help her, and because, as a psychology student myself, I can provide myself with therapy... to a certain degree... Giving yourself unconditional positive regard can be tricky.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras

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#165887 - 11/18/06 07:37 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: I_am_Jack]
inlovensane Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 05/02/06
Posts: 313
In MO , I would do it now. Soon she will have her family here to support her, or they come early. Plus, with all your financial troubles, why wait til AFTER one of the most EXPENCIVE times of year. If she threatens suicide, call her family, and get her committed. Sounds like she needs the 'help' anyway.
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Never take away someones hope... it may be all they have left.

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#165888 - 11/18/06 08:43 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: inlovensane]
I_am_Jack Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 186
Loc: Louisiana
She's not THAT kind of crazy. She DOES barely miss the mark for Dependant Personality D/O, and has been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia (for which she is now medicated)by her primary care physician.

The suicide reference was for me. I am like the person with depression coming out of dark times and having a moment of clarity: commit marital suicide (divorce) or suffere when the rollercoaster heads south (back into hard times).
_________________________
Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras

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#165889 - 11/18/06 09:05 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: Renee]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I didn't think you were "skewering him," it's just that they've been down that road already, with no success.

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