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#165890 - 11/18/06 09:15 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: I_am_Jack]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I appreciate your want to be compassionate about her new job, her family concerns, and the like, and I'm sure you know her pretty well......but, if you ask most people around here....they will say that you don't really know that side of someone until you divorce them.

As much as you're trying to be be considerate for her sake, you may just be better off planning for your own....and let her chips fall where they may. It will never be a "good time." If her extended family is a problem, she doesn't have to tell them. If she will want to change jobs and move home....she will.

Just make a plan, being mindful of what you can control and what you can't. It's going to suck. I don't know that one month is more or less sucky than the other. If you start the paperwork now, but don't speak to her about it until January, she'll feel like the last few months have been a lie. You will spend the holidays knowing that you plan on divorcing her, while looking her parents in the eye. So...martyr yourself some, if it eases your guilt.....just don't go crazy with it.

#165891 - 11/19/06 05:57 PM Re: I hear hurricanes ablowing. [Re: I_am_Jack]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
AS others have said the is NEVER going to be a good time. I don't really think you should plan out a date that you're going to talk to her because all that will do is make you more and more nervous about doing it and then things willl come out wrong. I would do it before the holidays because before or after it will be a long time for both of you before the holidays will be the same.
A piece of advice would be to NOT tell her how much you loved her and you just can't do it anymore. She's not going to believe you ever loved her anyway (This is not a slam, but I know that feeling from personal experience) We don't always marry the right people and hopefully both of you will move on while you are young enough and find the right people for you. None of us can tell you the right or wrong time. You just have to make up your mind and do it.
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

#165892 - 11/19/06 11:15 PM How to make it easier [Re: I_am_Jack]
HO2 Offline

Registered: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
What I heard is:

IF you want to end a relationship, just end the relationship. Don't give elaborate reasons. No 'the problem is this, the problem is that', 'you did this and you did that', 'if you had done this, but no , you refused to' etc.

Firstly the reasons should be clear by now, you two DID talk. And secondly, she will try to argue with you and drive you into a defensive position. In an attempt to justify your choice, you might say more and more things that will hurt her more and more. And what is the point, if by now you are convinced that she will not change?

You should definitely encourage her to go counseling, and if she is not the outgoing type who reaches out for help, make sure to inform friends and family so that they will look out for her and take care of her. NOT YOU. It will be brutal for her, but if you try to get out of the relationship as the good guy... la 'you are a terrific person, I am always happy to be there for you, but I don't want you as a spouse' will keep her in a very painful cycle of crisis-consolation-hope-rejection-pain, crisis-consolation-hope-rejection-pain.

If you go, you go. You do not talk the issue to death, you do not look back. You just go. I think someone in this thread said that this is what she did, and I think it is the only right way to leave. There is no explaining to someone over and over again why the relationship will never work. Your wife will hate you, but by hating you, it will be easier for her to get over you. Whatever you choose to do to look good or be the good guy will hurt her even more in the end.

#165893 - 11/20/06 06:31 PM Re: How to make it easier [Re: HO2]
I_am_Jack Offline

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 186
Loc: Louisiana
I'm only after damage control. I can be a bad guy, so long as it preserves her dignity and self confidence somewhat.

My wife has been especially thoughtful lately, and has been asking if I love her every five minutes. I think she is worried something is up...perhaps she when into my web history and found this thread... Or maybe she can tell I'm stressed about something... and assumes she is the cause.
Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras

#165894 - 11/21/06 04:36 PM Re: How to make it easier [Re: I_am_Jack]
LinusluvsSally Offline

Registered: 08/23/06
Posts: 441
Loc: South Florida
She asks you every 5 minutes if you love her.

She can tell in your actions and the way you take care of her that you love her.

Do you ever ask her if she loves you? If she does love you, how does she show it? How would she say she shows it?

You have already made up your mind about getting a divorce and heaven knows I would never try to talk you out of it.

But if, in your mind, are there things that could improve to the point that you might change your mind? For example, do you have an idea that if she were to do A and B and C and keep it up consistently for awhile, might that be enough? Like if she kept her job for 3 months and starting to enthusiastically have sex with you and starting saving money, would you still love her enough to stay? I'm just asking because if either of you have expectations and the other doesn't know what they are, the marriage is pre-destined to failure.

I was the leaver in my failed marriage and I can tell you it won't be easy but when you're done you will feel like a brand new yet improved man. I was instantly happy the minute I left the house.

#165895 - 11/21/06 06:05 PM Re: How to make it easier [Re: LinusluvsSally]
Debbie_L Offline

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
It won't be easy. Just make the cut and be done with it. I felt you should have done it some time ago when you were first posting. About the holidays - I would do it now if I were you. It is really going to feel like a sham, and she will be more insulted knowing that you faked your way through Christmas, etc. It is never fun being the only one who doesn't know the relationship is over - respect her enough (and be man enough) to tell her the truth. Some things in life are hard - suck it up.

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