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#212018 - 03/30/07 06:42 PM i need some advice
funkymom Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 11
[color:blue]hi-
i am new to this forum, as well as this entire situation.
my husband recently told me he has been having an affair with a close friend of the family. we had been living in milwaukee for the past 1 1/2 years, although i was not happy to be there. my husband grew up there and has family and friends. we had been discussing separation (supposedly before this affair started) and i had agreed that for the sake of our 2year old daughter, i would try to stay in milwaukee so we could try and have and amicable relationship and still co-parent her to a degree. i also told him that if he started dating this "friend" immediately (they had been spending too much time together already), that i would have to leave.

when he finally told me about the affair, i was hysterical and out of control for about 3 days (my daughter was with my in-laws). my husband, out of concern for me, called my mother who flew in immediately from tucson, arizona. i spent the next week crying, trying to take care of my child and trying to figure out what to do.

i have no family in milwaukee, and only one decent friend (not including the one who slept with my husband). i was never happy in milwaukee to begin with, so i decided to take my daughter and go to tucson to be with my mother.

i am very fortunate that my mother and step-father are in a position that they are able to support us financially as well as emotionally. my mother is retired, so she is able to help me care for my daughter.

since i have been in tucson (1 month), i have seen a psychiatrist and started back on my medication treatment, for depression. i am seeing a therapist twice a week and am really trying to get my life together so that i can care for myself and my child. before my husband broke the news to me, i was already in pretty bad shape, between my depression, my loneliness and issues of dealing with a very sick parent. i feel like i've been kicked in the chest/stomach repeatedly.

i'm sorry i've been rambling, but it is difficult to express my situation in such a short space.

my husband says that he cannot live without his daughter, yet in the month that we have been down here he has not called her (i finally got him to call the last 2 days.). the only way he (or his family) has spoken to her is when i swallow my pain and have her call them. she has not even received a card. also, my mother had bought him a plane ticket to come down here before this all happened which he is free to use. but he refuses to come down and visit her.

also, i have not received a dime from him since we have been here. he says he wants to do the right thing, but that he has bills to pay.

i don't know how long i will need to be here, but i do know it is going to be a while before i can even accept what is happening. i also need to get to a point where i can get a job(i haven't worked in over 3 years and never really had a career).
]
i also know that i do not want to live in milwaukee. i was never happy there to begin with and now it is too much of a painful place. and my husband has still been treating me terribly since i left. my husband and his family think that the only option is for me to live in milwaukee.

i need advice. what is the law about me keeping my child out of the state? so far it has been with his consent, but he is worried that if i stay too long he will lose his rights. i have no intention of keeping her away from him, i want her to be in his life and him in hers, but i do not want to live in wisconsin. he thinks that there is a way that he can force me back.

he also talks about the possibility of a custody battle. he can't support us financially and he has a job where he works both days and nights.

there is also an issue with him having an alcohol problem. he has not been abusive, but he has driven intoxicated on several occasions. he also has a severe anger problem, he bottles it up until he explodes. so far this has not been in front of our child, but i feel that it is only a matter of time.

when the subject of court came up, he claimed that i would do anything to keep my child including making up total lies. while i would do everything i could, i would never lie. he admitted to me that he would. he says that if i try to bring up his alcohol problem, he will deny it.

all i want to do is make a better life for me and my daughter. this might include me going back to school or getting a job. i am concerned about how this would effect my rights since i am not living in wisconsin.

although i will, of course, be contacting lawyers in both milwaukee and tucson, i am totally freaked out and would appreciate any information that anyone could give me.

the fact is that as much as he wants me to be in milwaukee, he cannot support our daughter. and i am lucky enough to be somewhere and have someone who can help me do that.

sorry again that this is such a long post, i tend to ramble anyway and i am currently in so much emotional turmoil, pain and fear that it's hard to control my output. i'm not even sure i mentioned all the relevant points.

thanks for any advice that anyone can give and thanks for listening.

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#212019 - 04/01/07 04:35 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: funkymom]
hippie1981 Offline
veteran

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1304
Loc: Wisconsin
How long have you been living in Arizona? Have you met the residency requirements yet? I'm not sure what AZ's are, but in most states it's 6 months. After that time, you and the child would be residents of AZ and you could file for divorce down there. However, if he files for divorce first, you may be required to return the child to Wisconsin. Until a child support order is in place, he is not obligated to give you any money. You may want to just bide your time until you meet the residency requirements in this case and hope that he doesn't file.

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#212020 - 04/01/07 04:59 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: hippie1981]
googledad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/31/05
Posts: 10213
It's 90 days in Arizona .
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#212021 - 04/07/07 07:22 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: googledad]
funkymom Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 11
thanks for the responses.
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#212022 - 04/08/07 07:51 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: funkymom]
funkymom Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 11
i've been arizona for almost 2 months, but i have not done anything to establish "legal" residency. i just want to be sure that neither i nor my daughter have to return to wisconsin. i do not want to live there.

my ex is getting worried about me filing here in arizona, mostly because of travel costs. he is not trying to get full custody, but does want shared custody. which is why he wants me to live in the same city (or least the same state) as him.

i'm afraid that if i do file first from arizona that the custody issues would be even more complicated. my understanding (and i could be wrong) is that the residency requirement is 3months for me, but 6months for my child. how would this affect the proceedings? is it possible that even though the divorce would be in arizona that the custody case could be in wisconsin? neither me nor my ex can afford lawyers or a big expensive divorce, although i'm afraid his father might get involved and call in favors for him to be able to retain one.

i'm going crazy! i'm not even over my marriage and my husband yet, not to even mention the infidelity with my friend. i feel like i am being forced into starting the whole divorce proceedings way before i am ready to deal with it.

i just need to be sure that i can keep my child with me and never have to live in wisconsin again.
_________________________
my life begins today.

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#212023 - 04/12/07 08:55 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: funkymom]
hippie1981 Offline
veteran

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1304
Loc: Wisconsin
I had the same issue for IL. Residency for me was like 90 days, but for IL to have jurisdiction over my daughter, it was 6 months. I ended up just waiting the 6 months before filing for divorce. If this is the case in AZ, just wait out the 6 months. I know it can seem like forever when you want a divorce, but in a situation like this, its better to be safe then sorry. If he hasn't done any filing yet, then hopefully he won't.

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#212024 - 04/13/07 03:22 AM Re: i need some advice [Re: hippie1981]
funkymom Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 11
thank you for responding. i've actually now spoken to a lawyer and i will definitely not file yet. i think he now realizes that if he tries to force me (us) back to wisconsin, it will become a full on custody battle. i don't think he wants full custody, he just wants to be able to see his daughter.

i totally understand this and i am not trying to keep him from her, but he has created a situation that has made an already unpleasant place totally unbearable to me.

i think we might go the collaborative lawyer route and try to work out a compromise.

this is all just breaking my heart. i want him to be a part of her life, but it is just too painful for me to be in milwaukee.
_________________________
my life begins today.

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#212025 - 04/13/07 01:48 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: funkymom]
googledad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/31/05
Posts: 10213
You should understand , if he does file for divorce in Wisconsin , you can be forced to return the children to the jurisdiction of the court . If so , the burden of proof is on you to prove it's in the childrens best interest to relocate out of state .
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#212026 - 04/13/07 04:14 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: googledad]
funkymom Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/30/07
Posts: 11
[quote]You should understand , if he does file for divorce in Wisconsin , you can be forced to return the children to the jurisdiction of the court . If so , the burden of proof is on you to prove it's in the childrens best interest to relocate out of state . [/quote]

i do understand that. i'm just hoping that he won't force the issue in court. because even though it would technically be a reclocation case, it would in reality become a battle for full custody.

i really hope we can figure out some compromise. one of the lawyers suggested that, because of the high cost of a court case (he estimated between $30,000 and $50,000), we could better spend that money on plane tickets for him to see his daughter. maybe something like i bring her back to wisconsin every other month for a week long visit (at least before she starts school). i could probably live with that, but it could pose a problem with my working, which i am going to have to start very soon. i haven't discussed this with him yet, it's very difficult for me to talk to him.

if anyone has any other "creative" long distance visititation ideas, i would love to hear them.
_________________________
my life begins today.

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#212027 - 04/13/07 04:56 PM Re: i need some advice [Re: funkymom]
googledad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/31/05
Posts: 10213
Never expect anyone to act rationally in divorce , you're certainly not . Because you think you are doing what's in the best interest of the children does not mean your husband or a judge will . Would you accept the same " deal " you're offering your husband ? Are you willing to pay all the costs of transportation for his visitation , in general the parent that creates the distance is the one responsible .
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