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#21439 - 07/19/05 04:42 PM Is it worth saving? (long-need advice)
Cayteax Offline
member

Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 183
Loc: Southern US
I am seriously considering divorcing my husband. He is no longer the kind, loving man I married. He has turned into a crude, mean-spirited, selfish jerk I don't even recognize. When we first married almost 3 years ago, I was blissfully happy. I moved from Florida to Mississippi to be with him. He had just gone through a horrible divorce with a BM who was hell-bent on alienating his kids from him. It only got worse after he and I married. He was separated from BM for over a year before the divorce was finalized. I asked him if he thought he should wait before marrying again. He said he didn't need to that he loved me and wanted to be with me. We agreed to wait for a year before trying to have a baby. We had agreed that we would have two. He even said, "I've always wanted 4 kids." After a year I got pregnant with our son. From the moment that line appeared on the test, our marriage changed. He didn't seem happy. He insisted that he was but had to get used to the idea of being a dad again. I should have known then. All throughout my pregnancy he would make comments about not wanting any more children. I was nauseaus and tired a lot, and it infuriated him because I wasn't keeping up with the housework and unable to service him sexually like he wanted. Our son was born last year. At first H seemed happy, but that soon evaporated. He was working an internship during the summer. So I was left alone at home with a newborn and every other week, his two kids. It was very hard on me. I never asked him to keep the baby at night because he had to work the next day. But when he got home, if I asked him to watch the baby while I took a nap, he'd act like I had just asked him to castrate himself. I tried to keep the house up, but was in a lot of pain for over a month and totally exhausted. He was furious because the house was a mess, never mind that his children had caused most of the mess. He refused to clean it up. I went back to work after a couple of months and put our son in daycare. He always would complain about putting him in daycare. Now, his first wife didn't work. He worked enough and made enough that she stayed home with both their kids. I didn't have that option. In fact, I helped him pay off a bunch of bills that she left him with in the divorce. He refused to get a better paying job, even though he could make so much more than he does. He teaches and gets his summers off. It's just laziness. I work at the same school but only as low paid staff. I don't get summers off and work more hours a week than he does. I took an over 1/2 cut in pay when I moved here. He told me that our son would not want for anything. But many months I have had to call my parents and beg for money to pay a bill or buy groceries. H will not ask his parents for anything. They gave him $20 to take the kids out to eat one time and he gave it back to them, but thinks nothing of my parent sending us $400 a month to help out. He sure likes to spend that money.

Fast forward to this summer. I have to work. H is off. I'm working long hours. DS is in daycare, yet H still expects me to take care of our son at night (he's still not sleeping all night), cook supper, clean house, and service him whenever he wants. When I protest and ask him to watch the baby at night, he calls me lazy and tells me it's MY responsibility. He also insists that HE has decided we're not having any more children. He likes to tell me all the time that single mothers do all those things by themselves and asks why I can't. I finally told him that I'm not a single mother (yet) and am supposed to have a husband to help me. He simply states that he is doing his part by making more money than me. He also mows the yard once a week. Most of the time this summer, he is just sitting at home in his underwear watching television. I am so sickened, I don't know what to do. I'm going to wait until after we take our family vacation and then decide. I never wanted to be a divorced person, but I feel severly stretched thin and taken advantage of. There's a lot more I'll post later.
_________________________
Cayteax

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#21440 - 07/19/05 05:39 PM WOW! [Re: Cayteax]
fedup Offline
member

Registered: 03/14/05
Posts: 117
Let me first start off saying how sorry I am you are going thru all this. Secondly, divorcing this man it doesn't make it any better. You will be doing everything by yourself and you will forever have this man in your life due to the baby no matter what.
Divorce may seem the only way out right now but sweetie there are TONS of couples who are going thru the same thing as yourself. Just think whole heartly if a divorce is your only hope!

Here are some suggestions. If you need some time away by youself then by all means take it. Stand firm and tell him "you will be watching the baby tonight." Yes, he'll moan and complain but who cares. Sometimes you have to force the responsibility when the other person doesn't take it willingly.

If your house isn't as clean as he wants, and you are just to exhausted to do it yourself, then hire someone to do it for you. There are tons of cleaning services out there who will clean your home. It's not a big deal. And if he begins complaining about the expense of the house cleaning service then you just tell him that you've already discuss with him that you don't have the time or energy and he's made it very clear that he wasn't going to help out...therefore you had no other choice. If he wants to pitch in and help more then yes you'll get rid of the cleaning service.

And as far as the intimacy goes, well honey tell him it's a two way street. You aren't being satisfied either. There are tons of ways to spice of the bedroom.

I guess the bottom line is MAKE him take the responsibility if he wants to or not. Don't be a b$#@h about it but hand it over gracefully. And if he refuses to do it and walks out then that's his decision. It took me many years to finally realize that people are responsible for their own choices and actions.

I wish you the best but don't consider divorce unless it's your last option. And by the way, you should read Dr. Phils website. He has great advise about everything.

God Bless!

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#21441 - 07/19/05 06:58 PM Re: WOW! [Re: fedup]
Cayteax Offline
member

Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 183
Loc: Southern US
I would love to hire someone to clean our home on a regular basis, but we cannot afford it. We live paycheck to paycheck. We're both working. I used to listen to him complain how his first wife would take all their extra money and blow it on crap for herself, how she cleaned out the savings account he had set up for their son. All I can think about is, "what is extra money?" We cannot afford to set up a college fund for our son. We have no money and he refuses to consider looking for a better paying job. He's a teacher and gets his summers off and all kinds of time off during the school year. And no, he talks big but won't get a summer job. He wants me to get a better paying job. That would be fine if he would take more responsiblity around the house and with the children. But he has no intentions of doing that. He expects me to work full time, come home, clean, cook, and take care of the kids (I am including the stepkids because I cook for them, I clean up after them, I wash their clothes, I do everything for them). He would get home every day at a little after 3 pm and not do anything. One day a week he might mow the yard, but most of the time he's just watch television and wait for me to come home and take care of him because "that's a woman's job."

I'm tired of being called names. Last night I was to "take [my] lazy ass to bed and go to sleep even though it's [my] responsiblity to take care of the baby." I had to be at work at 7:30 a.m. this morning. He didn't. Is it too much to expect him to help take care of his son.

Sunday, I was in the choir room at church practicing. He sent SD in to tell me the baby had a wet diaper. I told her to tell him to go change it. He sent her back to tell me the nursery didn't have a changing table. I sent her back to tell him to use the counter in the bathroom like I had done before. Afterwards, he told me that he almost sent her back to tell me that he refused.

Sometimes, I feel like I'd be better off alone. At least I would know that I only have myself to depend on when it comes to my son. I wouldn't sit there hoping against hope that my husband would have a change of heart and help out.

As far as intimacy goes, when I'm tired or just don't feel like it, he makes it a point to tell me that he can go find a woman who will do everything he wants easily. I finally told him to go right ahead, that I didn't care anymore. He's actually told me that I am to put his wants ahead of my comfort or needs.

The kicker is, he has told me that if I leave I cannot take our son with me. Now, he refuses to help me take care of the baby, but he wants me to leave him there? He's out of his mind.
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Cayteax

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#21442 - 07/19/05 07:24 PM Sorry [Re: Cayteax]
Melody Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
for what you're going through. From what you've described, you're in a difficult situation and unless your husband is willing to work on the marriage, then I'm afraid staying may not be the answer. Just so you know, until paperwork is filed, you may certainly take your baby and go where ever you like...just as he could.

Look at what your life is now...and think about what would be different if you were out on your own. HHmm...you're still picking up and cleaning up the mess, but at least it's all your mess. I felt a huge burden being lifted from my shoulders when I decided to divorce. Yes, I still do all the laundry (except the kids as they are much older now) and cooking (although I no longer cook the way ex demanded it...I cook what I please and when I please). I no longer have to meet someone elses standards...just my own...and if I want to leave some dishes in the sink until morning...I do it!!!

IN all honesty, it doens't sound as if you have a partnership....you're the maid and child care provider. What a jerk that won't change his kid's diaper at church when you're practicing with the choir! I do know how you feel, though...my ex wouldn't change them either...and I wasn't allowed to do things which would take me away from the children long enough for him to be forced into changing them. I think you need to cut your losses and move on.

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#21443 - 07/19/05 10:50 PM Re: Sorry [Re: Melody]
luv2boys1girl Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 317
If your son is in daycare (and I assume you have receipts for that cost) while H is at home on summer break from teaching- that is hard to overlook in a court. But really, you can go where you want right now. If son is in daycare and you pick him up and drop him off, what is H going to do to stop you from leaving really. It sounds like a very sad situation overall. The more I think about it, if H says you can't take the baby if you leave but he doesn't care for him now, it isn't likely he actually put up much fight if you actually DO leave.

Would H agree to counseling? It sort of sounds like he is carrying some "baggage" from marriage number 1.

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#21444 - 07/20/05 01:36 PM Re: Sorry [Re: luv2boys1girl]
Cayteax Offline
member

Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 183
Loc: Southern US
I suggested counseling to H before. He says he doesn't believe in it. He, at one time, agreed to it but wanted our then preacher to do it. I would rather go to someone who didn't know us and had no preconceived notions about our relationship. H dropped it and we have never gone. Personally, I just think he's afraid that the counselor will tell him that he's wrong in his way of thinking.

I've trie guilting him into reevaluating his way of thinking. My parents are equal partners in everything. Dad helps mom around the house AND takes care of the yard when it needs it. I gave the example of my brother who was more than happy to help with my nieces at night to give his wife a break. He basically told me my dad and brother were "whipped" and he was not going to be that way. I went so far as to ask him what his mother would think about his attitude. His mother passed away on May 29th of this year and DH is still grieving. I know it wasn't fair of me, but at this point I'm willing to try anything to save my marriage. He said his mother did it all, BUT she was a stay at home mom. And that still didn't sway him.
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Cayteax

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#21445 - 07/21/05 11:36 PM Re: Sorry [Re: Cayteax]
mommy2boys Offline
addict

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 497
Loc: Louisiana
I can relate to every aspect of what you have mentioned, as you basically described my marriage.
I will be the first to tell you that you are going to beat yourself up trying to get a compromise from your husband. And by continuing to do so you have a better chance of the verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse than you do of fixing your marriage.
I was pregnant with my youngest when we first split, we got back together and when the baby was 2 months old STBX hit me. I was afraid to be on my own with a 3 yr old and newborn, but now see that I am much better off without him. I had only been working for 1 week and we had no money when the physical abuse started. The verbal abuse had a negative effect on the kids as well. Our 3 yr old would wake up in the night with nightmares prior to STBX evicting us, but once we settled into our new home he was sleeping through the night with no problems.
You and the kids will be fine on your own and trust me the children will be much happier out of the stressful situation they are currently in.

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#21446 - 08/05/05 03:35 PM Re: Sorry [Re: mommy2boys]
goldilox Offline
newbie

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 28
Loc: MI
Get out while you can!!!!

You have described the first several years of my marriage to a tee. And the verbal will escalate to physical. You are not getting any help and he doesn't appear to have ANY desire to change!

Find another house or get him evicted but I would suggest you leave and soon.

"Run, just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears...
And I swear, you're just like a pill, instead of making me better, you keep making me ill..."

Better for your child to be from a broken home than in a broken home - best wishes.
_________________________
Careful what you wish for, you just might get it!

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