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#228271 - 05/11/07 02:31 AM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: preemiemom]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Man, preemiemom. You could really be living my life. And yes, I totally understand your feelings about marriage. I can't see myself married again, either. I put too much of myslef out there only to have my heart stomped on.

#228272 - 05/11/07 04:04 AM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: supermansdaisy]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I wasn't miserable. He didn't have that kind of power over me.

However, I was afraid for my children's safety, approaching financial ruin, and exhausted...both physically and emotionally. His issues weren't just causing my children to lose a father, they were also causing them to lose a mother. That was enough.

I used to think about what I would have done differently, and I honestly can't think of anything.

#228273 - 05/11/07 04:35 AM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: supermansdaisy]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
My mother stuck with my father thru 20 hellish years, and everytime she left him I begged and pleaded with her to not go back. I think watching their marriage warped my thinking on what was acceptable in a relationship - at least when I was in my 20s. If I had seen my mother stand up to him when I was little, if she had left him and moved on, I would've had a much happier childhood. She stayed because her generation was supposed to stick it out for the kids sake.

For that matter, I could've stayed with xSO for his kids sake. But all they would've had to show for it would've been two bodies in the same house who were miserably unhappy with each other.

I will never understand how staying in a horrible marriage is better for kids than seeing their parents happy and safe.

#228274 - 05/11/07 12:53 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: supermansdaisy]
momx3 Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/19/06
Posts: 1036
My ex didn't make me miserable, he simply made me angry every time he cheated. No he didn't lay a hand on me, but the affairs were his form of abuse; mental and emotional abuse. Or maybe they weren't about anything except his own mental issues, since he had done that to every woman he had been married to (I was w3).

My children couldn't be miserable b/c they didn't know about it and I tried very hard not to show any changes when I found out about each GF. However, I also believe that children know much more than we ever give them credit for and, in some way, I'm sure it did effect them.

If I had it to do over again, I would still divorce him. Yes, my son has had to live this life of divorce, but it is better than him growing up, learning about his father's affairs (and in this small town, he would - well, as a fifth grader, has but that's another story), and then possibly repeating that behavior. It was my intent to show that women are not property, this is not 1900 where it is acceptable for men to have mistresses, and that there are consequences for your adulterous behavior (ie, child support, supporting two homes, starting over, etc.). Granted, we've never sat down and discussed these issues, but I'm sure we will as he grows into a man.

Being that my x's great-grandfather, his grandfather, his father and then him all had the same problem, I wanted to break the cycle. All four of those generations had been leaving the woman for their next woman, I left him; I broke the cycle. First woman in four generations to leave one of them...there's a little pride that comes with that! lol

#228275 - 05/11/07 01:28 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: momx3]
Relayer Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
I would say the odd's of me ever getting married again are exactly ZERO.

#228276 - 05/11/07 02:04 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: Relayer]
PhoenixRising Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
I had it to do over again. I would not be divorced. The 3yrs of custody battles, 4yrs of divorce trials, the CPS investigations, the forensic evals, the extreme level of acrimony that will have no ending has effected my children to the point where I worry if they will be able to grow up and lead normal lives.

I appeased my ex for twenty years. He said jump, I said how high... I got tired.. It was so hard to meet his expectations that I momentarily lost the strength. I was done. I was willing to accept whatever he was going to do to me...

If I had known, what he was capable of putting his own children through. I would have found a way to persevere.

The children didn't/don't know what he is like. He didn't spend that much time with them and when he did. He would put on his "great guy" persona that he typically did with the outside world.

It would have been better to stick it out at least until they were older and perhaps developed more of a coping ability. Most studies show that children between 6-12yrs have the hardest time adjusting...

The divorce made my life better but at the expense of my children’s…

#228277 - 05/11/07 02:15 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: PhoenixRising]
supermansdaisy Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 658
Loc: SC
Sounds a bit like me, and my heart goes out to you, Phoenix. Although my ex wasn't a bad person, we were not at all compatible. I had faith that he would do right by the children when we divorced.

However, since I left him, he's used the children as a way of making me pay over and over again. It takes all my strength to rise above him, but I do it for the kids. Still, I sometimes wonder how the divorce has affected them....
------------------------- A problem shared is a problem halved.

#228278 - 05/11/07 04:10 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: supermansdaisy]
Gecko Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 20602
Loc: Third rock from the sun
Many people say it is better to stay married for the sake of the children than to get divorced.

---&gt; Not necessarily true...our parents' generation and older...yes, they said/say that; people today...their FIRST response is "file for divorce".

---&gt; I think it depends on what the issues are. I have advised many couples to think of their children and try to reolve their issues not JUST for their children, but for themselves as well.

How many of you, if you could do it all over again, would have done things differently?

---&gt; Kind of a "catch-22" question because in changing the past, you change the future. A lot of people are unwilling to change the past because they are unwilling to give up the present. But I would.
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!

#228279 - 05/11/07 05:01 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: preemiemom]
Witch23 Offline

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 381
I've been thinking about this all morning. I've never been divorced, but I am in a step family marriage which they say fail at a higher % than other marriages.

But then I heard on the radio today that the % of divorces are actually decreasing (according to new studies). They are beginning to drop from the all time high in 1981 (I think that was the year).

I come from a family that doesn't have many divorces.

Grandparents (3 sets)married 50+ years. I saw the love, respect, and adoration that they had for each other. My grandma (dad's) had alzheimers for many years. My granddad would visit her in the nursing home religiously. 6 mon after she passed, he passed in his sleep. It was like he couldn't live w/ out her.

I see my parents. They are wonderful. I'm sure behind closed doors, they have their disagreements, but we rarely see any of that.

I hope that I can continue with that type of marriage.

I don't think that one should deny their own happiness for such an unhappy marriage.

"I don't believe one party MAKES the other party "miserable". I believe you make what you have what it is."
-----&gt; True you can control how you deal with another's pressure, but I'm sure afetr years of this it will take a toll on you as a person. Would you ever be the same. Or would you be a shell of the person you could have been. Is it worth it????

And it does take 2 to make a marriage work. Like PM, she was ready and willing to work through hard times, but her STBX was not. You can't make another work w/ you. That would be a LONG, HARD, UPHILL battle. One that I doubt a person could continue for years w/ out serious harm to themselves.

Do you want children to witness this sort of relationship???? Or to know the difference between a healthy loving relationship and a unhealthy power struggle.

#228280 - 05/11/07 06:38 PM Re: Get divorced or stay together? [Re: supermansdaisy]
cincsu Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 4687
Loc: residence in AZ, case in CA
i'll answer for my DH and say that he wasn't married to her, and he thanks God every day he made the decision not to marry her when she got pregnant. if we had known how things were goign to turn out we probably would have done a few things differently in going through the custody portion of let BM walk all over us a little longer until we got a better time share.

Dh tried to negotiate with her from day 1 but she wouldn't have it. now he pays less money than he offered her and spends more time with his son than he was asking for.
wife of 1, mother of 2, stepmother of .3475902453

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