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#228892 - 05/14/07 12:07 AM Re: Have you opened up to your family?? [Re: realitybias]
realitybias Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/13/07
Posts: 19
Yeah, the college provides free counseling services. I'm going to take them up on this, really soon.

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#228893 - 05/14/07 12:12 AM Re: Have you opened up to your family?? [Re: realitybias]
matilda Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 2143
I think deep in your heart you know the answers. You just don't want to hurt her or have others think badly about you. Part of growing up is realizing that you can't control and fix others. Sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do. You may be a crutch for her so she doesn't have to face reality. Sometimes having a loved one leave can be a catalyst for positive change. Are you risking your own mental health of safety by staying with her? Could this dysfunctional relationship hinder you from forming healthy relationships in the future?

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#228894 - 05/14/07 12:28 AM Re: Have you opened up to your family?? [Re: matilda]
realitybias Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/13/07
Posts: 19
I don't want to hurt her, I don't want people to think badly of her OR me. But you are right, I can't fix her, but I have tried as hard as I can. I think I AM risking my own mental health and safety, but I just wish there were something I could do, let her know that it DOESNT have to be this way! *sighs*

And now, after our argument, another classic example of me never being able to do anything right. She's sitting there, crying...

If I were to not do anything, fearing that she'd snap at me, she'd yell at me for being cruel and cold. If I were to get up, hug her, comfort her, she'd knock my hand away and tell me to go away.

I just walked up to her to wipe away her tears and hug her, and she did exactly that.

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#228895 - 05/14/07 12:48 AM Re: Have you opened up to your family?? [Re: realitybias]
matilda Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 2143
From what you say she needs help, help that you are not trained to give her. She needs to get help from a trained professional. If she doesn't want it, you can't make her. She may not be ready to deal with her inner turmoil. You can't fix this or make her ready sooner. All you can do is keep yourself from becoming someone you don't want to be. I honestly believe that if you stay in this situation, you are going to change. It may be slow and you won't notice at first. Her demons may slowly become your demons as well. It is wonderful that you love her and want to help her. You need to love and protect yourself first. I truly pray that you seek counseling or advice from others and don't let this slide because she temporarily gets better. I think you realize that this is not a good situation for you. Part of maturity is realizing when we are in a situation beyond our control and seeking help when it is needed. Hopefully you see that getting help shows you are growing up and becoming a stronger human being, not as a weakness or as a failure.

Have you opened up to your family about what is really happening???


Edited by matilda (05/14/07 12:52 AM)

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#228896 - 05/14/07 01:28 AM I hate to break it to you... [Re: realitybias]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>she said that the counselor told her that life sucked, and that she should instead see a psychologist on my college campus

But she's not all that trustworthy. NO counselor is going to tell her "life sucked". She lied to you.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#228897 - 05/14/07 02:18 AM Re: I hate to break it to you... [Re: almostheaven]
realitybias Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/13/07
Posts: 19
Alright, everybody. I just spoke to her, on an honest level, and it went better than I could have hoped for, although there are still unresolved issues. She did go that day, but it wasnt to a counselor. She was seen by a nurse, who wasnt even trained in counseling, and said that she was told the equivalent of "life sucks" and was not allowed to go onto the next level of psychological screening.

She says that she WOULD kill herself if I ever went through with divorcing her, but she came up with ways to avoid getting angry at me next time, and promised things would change. Sure, this has happened before, but the biggest thing she said she'd do...

I'm taking her to a psychologist on Monday, and we're both going to sit down and talk with him about what her best options are. She knows that something is wrong with her, but she is so afraid to talk to someone because she says she felt like she was blown off after pouring out everything to the nurse and getting told the equivalent of "Buzz off." She says it was done because she didn't have insurance, and she could tell because it happened right as soon as she told him that she didn't have insurance.

My college offers free psychological screenings... they are just psychologists, though, not psychiatrists, so that takes medication out of the mix. She thinks its a chemical problem and would prefer medication, but is fine with just opening up and talking to the psychologist. She wants me to come, so I'll come with her.

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#228898 - 05/14/07 02:24 AM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young. [Re: realitybias]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
I've read through the posts and since everyone has already stated the biggest option - counseling - I'd like to point out two reasons why you need to initiate a change in your life, whether its joint counseling or divorce.

1. As someone else mentioned, if she took her marriage to you seriously, if she valued it as much as you do, she'd recognize the problems are serious and she would stick with getting counseling. If she's not doing that, and is content to live like this, whats to say that 5 or 10 years down the road she won't bail when her demons get to be too much? How would that be for irony? YOU loved her so much to work thru her issues, you felt guilty about leaving, but suddenly she bails, and you're left wondering about the years lost. Plus, its not unheard of on this site of a mentally ill spouse taking their X to the cleaners in a settlement because they have mental problems that prevent them from being self-sufficient.

I know that seems like a very cold thing to think about at this point, but you are obviously struggling with the decision to leave. You need to consider your future, the emotional and financial, now.

2. What happens if there's an oops and you bring children into your marriage? Do you really want to have your children raised by a mother who cuts herself and who is so emotionally unstable she's up and down all the time?

I really hope she can get some serious mental health help because she sounds bipolar to me. That can be controlled with medication and she *could* live a much more peaceful life if she'd just take the steps towards it.

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#228899 - 05/14/07 02:33 AM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: Renee]
realitybias Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/13/07
Posts: 19
She thinks she is bipolar too. How can she get medication? She WANTS it. I WANT it.

Nobody will give it to us though.

I'm stuck wondering what the hell I'm suposed to do...

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#228900 - 05/14/07 02:42 AM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: realitybias]
realitybias Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/13/07
Posts: 19
I mean, can she just go to a regular, run of the mill doctor, and request it? Or does it not work that way?

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#228901 - 05/14/07 03:15 AM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: realitybias]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
Many general practice doctors will prescribe medications for mental health issues....but I wouldn't recommend it. She needs to be diagnosed.

I realize that you trust her when she's not acting like a fruit loop....but let me assure you....her mental health issues are present all the time, even when she appears normal. I *HIGHLY* doubt she presented her full history and behaviors to a mental health professional and they told her it was no big deal.

Does your college offer health insurance?

I realize that you don't make very much money, but you might want to consider picking up some work for the summer just to get money in the bank. Lots of people work and go to school.

Another option may be public assistance, or turning to your family for financial support.

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