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#228912 - 05/14/07 05:17 PM Re: Worse comes to worse... [Re: txks1151]
aaz Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Georgia
I echo most of the adivse here. I lived in hell for 4 yrs, walking on eggshells and being controlled, manipulated and abused by a spouse with serious issues who would not admit he had a problem or seriously seek help. We have a son together and that made it much more difficult. You are responsible for yourself and she is responsible for herself. You cannot save or change her. In situations like this, you MUST stop worrying about taking care of her and take care of yourself. And, by all means, do not bring an innocent child into the chaos.

Below is a lengthy (but wonderful) story, a metaphor if you will. I kept several copies laying around to remind me of where responsibility lies...

The Bridge

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he had begun to see clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all of his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came! But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could clearly see, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope's length, and from the bridge, the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other "This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."

"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.

"I am your responsibility," said the other.

"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.

"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.

What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist. "Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way, this will haunt me forever." With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while he was still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and live fully. "What a choice I have to make; How shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make!

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together, they could do it! Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan. But the other wasn't interested. "You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die!"

The point of decision had arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.

"I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say!" the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me!"

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

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#228913 - 05/14/07 09:42 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: almostheaven]
Debbie_L Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I would advise you to get out (and be careful - they get very ugly and potentially violent when you end the relationship). I have an ex-boyfriend that I lived with for 4 years that had it - it was hell. He stalked me for months after I broke it off and keyed my car, etc. It was pretty scary, but I'm so glad to be rid of him.

Google the Borderline Personality Disorder and see if you don't agree with me. Her symptoms are CLASSIC of bpd.

PS - It is an extremely difficult disorder to treat. Most psychologists even try to avoid them as they are so demanding and draining, and treatment is not usually successful. It takes YEARS, and would mean she would have to want it (and they usually don't).

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#228914 - 05/14/07 09:50 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: Debbie_L]
Debbie_L Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
My brother is severely bipolar. To be honest, she doesn't sound bipolar to me, she sounds like a borderline personality disorder - and this is unfortunately a really difficult thing to treat and not very successful. I would seriously get out while you are still young. Do NOT have kids with her under ANY circumstances.

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#228915 - 05/14/07 11:47 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: Debbie_L]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
My daughter was diagnosed as bipolar for a couple of years and different meds were tried until another doc diagnosed her as borderline and prescribed an entirely different regime. He said its often misdiagnosed as bipolar. Hard to diagnose properly. She went through quite a few ER visits and stays in the hospital in order to get her initially incorrectly diagnosed as bipolar. Then more visits to get the correct diagnosis.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#228916 - 05/15/07 12:22 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: almostheaven]
aaz Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Georgia
I posted "The Bridge" above, thinking the exact same thing... Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I got it from a BPD support group. My stbx is undiagnosed but a couple of couselors have suggested they believe he fits the symptoms. I believe he does. The young lady in question here reminds me of stbx. Take other's advice and look it up. A great source is BPDCentral.com The forums have been a blessing for me. BPD411.org has some more good information.

But, even if she doesn't fit the diagnostic criteria, she's exhibiting some very serious, very destructive behavior and thought patterns that could leave you in shambles. A diagnosis isn't the most important thing and I'm not suggesting you try to diagnose her. We're not experts in that area and even the experts are often gun shy when it comes to BPD. But recognizing the behavior and chaos and deciding what to do about it is what's important. And this information could give you some perspective as to the possibilities.

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#228917 - 05/15/07 04:46 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: aaz]
Debbie_L Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
Almost Heaven,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's troubles. How is she doing now?

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#228918 - 05/15/07 04:49 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: Debbie_L]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
As long as she takes her meds, she does fine. But there are times when she thinks she's ok and stops taking them and starts having episodes. The episodes started when she was 15, but she wasn't properly diagosed until she was 17.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#228919 - 05/15/07 07:22 PM Re: I don't even know what to do.. Help, I'm young [Re: almostheaven]
Debbie_L Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
It's hard, I know. It seems to be pretty common too - no matter what the condition (my brother is bipolar and they do that too), they usually stop taking the meds at times. My ex (who had bpd) refused them altogether (but he would take every illegal drug or alcohol he could get, sigh).

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