a few things that are different and given your circumstances, you might not relate to:
1) In my case, I will likely have my divorce papers signed off before our 2 year wedding anniversary. Yes, I married him, and I took MY vows very seriously, he didn't given them even half a FIRST thought, never mind a 2nd. I will be returning to my maiden name, PERIOD. I have no intention of having my name associated with him for the rest of my life. I had said this before I ever remarried and had I not had a child, I would have stuck with it.. I was born my maiden last name, I will die with it. The ONLY reason I changed my last name after marrying was b/c I was pregnant.
You're looking at it through the eyes of having had that name for 20 years. I'm looking at through the eyes of having had it about 15 months before he bailed. Totally different.
Also, his last name sucks <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Yours is at least pronouncable. I still can't say my last name, his poor daughter can't pronounce it either.. none of my co-workers can pronounce it. I let telemarkets and other callers get through about 30 seconds of fumbling with the pronounciation before I just say it for them.. yes, that's me.. Mrs. impossible last name.. now what do you want??
2) On the first wife. It wasn't just ME that had a problem with it. His father threatened he'd show up at her house with a shotgun if he found out she'd used HIS last name (stbx's dad). Everyone DESPISES the woman and the man she had the child with was the man she was screwing around on stbx with. The idea that she'd give stbx HIS last name (bear in mind, there were other issues, ie they weren't DIVORCED, thereby technically making the child, by law, stbx's, not the boyfriend's in terms of NY "assumption of legitimacy" rules).
I, and anyone who knew the situation, were in unanimous agreement that for her to name the child of her lover by her husband's last name (given they were divorced etc) would just be the absolute lowest in low-class.
I venture to guess some of HER friends might have said the same thing since she decided shortly thereafter to return to HER maiden name.
The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.