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#281751 - 09/10/07 09:00 PM Where to go??
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
I've been Googling all day but can't find any discussions about or advice for this online anywhere.

I'm fairly certain that I finally want to end my unfullfilling, pointless, stifling, stagnant marriage of 22 years. In fact, I've wanted OUT for the last decade, but have never been able to get my act together to go through with it. The main obstacle that has held me back all this time, and is now the ONLY reason holding me back: Where could I afford to live on my own?

I don't make a great hourly wage, but I do work 40 hours a week. I don't expect I'll be able to get any financial help from my husband. There are no kids in this picture.
I haven't got any friends or relatives that I want to live with (or that I could stand to live with.)

I have never lived on my own before.
What's the best way to go about finding affordable and safe housing ? I'm fairly sure that I can't afford the monthly rent for a studio or 1 bedroom apartment on a regular basis without getting behind in other bills.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and how did you handle it? What about roommates, how viable is that as a long term solution if I don't want to live alone permanently? I truly feel like I can't safely leave because I don't have anywhere to go.

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#281752 - 09/10/07 11:08 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Increasing your job skills and getting a better job will open up your options considerably. If you're living in a high cost of living area consider moving to one less expensive. You may be awarded a financial settlement by the courts considering your long term marriage. However, being awarded a financial settlement and having him pay it are two different things. The more self-sufficient you make yourself, the less dependent you will be on him.

As for a long term roommate, I think you're limiting yourself because of your fear of the unknown. If you've never lived on your own how do you know you don't want to? You would not believe how unbelievably freeing it is to have a place to yourself, and to be able to be social when you want to. Don't knock it til you try it - <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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#281753 - 09/11/07 01:20 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I don't understand why you HAVE to go. You said nothing other than you're unhappy in the marriage. After 22 years, I'd spend more time looking for reasons WHY you're unhappy and on getting some counseling to see if the marriage can be saved than I would in figuring out how to rent an apt.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281754 - 09/11/07 01:42 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
I wrote over in "Life after divorce" when talking about how easy it seems the leaving spouse can plan their departure and head for the hills with little notice to the left spouse. I commented:

"For better or for worse" implies and requires sacrifice. You have to put your spouse and your marriage in first place. Unfortunately in today's society, more and more people have no idea of what this entails. They're used to self-gratification rather than responsibility; selfishness rather than mutuality; disposable relationships rather than commitment.

I am glad that someone finally has a rational approach to consider before exiting the cowardly way(Char Fox/Almost Heaven) in her comment:

(Quote)I don't understand why you HAVE to go. You said nothing other than you're unhappy in the marriage. After 22 years, I'd spend more time looking for reasons WHY you're unhappy and on getting some counseling to see if the marriage can be saved than I would in figuring out how to rent an apt.

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#281755 - 09/11/07 01:49 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Badasp]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Unless someone is being abused or there are some really serious factors, divorce should be the LAST thought rather than the first. I don't particularly agree with the for better or worse mantra as many people believe that even if you're getting the crap kicked outta you that you should still tough it out. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I know that divorce isn't as easy as people think it is and that the grass ain't always greener and so before looking to bail, they should try to find out why they married in the first place and see if it can be fixed.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281756 - 09/11/07 02:24 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
That goes without saying. Obviously if there is abuse, cheating, lying, what's the point. I'm referring to most marriages where there is communication breakdowns, boredom, etc. where some therapy discussions might head it off before one just punts and leaves.

I really don't consider it my mantra, it's a pretty common theme here and elsewhere that one spouse feels neglected and gets attention from some new person, so the unknown spouse gets thrown under the bus and left with little information other than it's just over and now pick up the pieces.


Edited by Badasp (09/11/07 02:29 AM)

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#281757 - 09/11/07 02:41 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Badasp]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Oh I wasn't meaning it was your mantra. It's part of the standard vows, and there are those who think it's a sacred vow and it doesn't matter what's happening, to tough it out. And that's just stupid thinking by the ones who feel that way. They're usually the Sunday hypocrites anyway, and I hardly ever think much of what they believe. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281758 - 09/11/07 02:51 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
I agree, my position is if you have invested many years in a marriage or relationship and for the most part you are treated with respect, you have fun and get along, why throw all that, your kids (if you have them) and friends away taking the chance that the future will treat you better. I just think, and it did not occur that way in my divorce, you should make sure you know exactly why you are leaving and why you cannot make it work before leaving.

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#281759 - 09/11/07 03:02 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
In the event that Badasp's post was a response prompted by my post I'd like to offer this:

I would've addressed the idea of counseling to the OP, and had in fact put that into the first paragraph of my response, however I pulled it back out. Seems it happens quite often that when I've advised a poster to seek counseling it falls on deaf ears. Usually the response is along the lines of "I didn't ask how to save it, I asked xxxxx", or "My spouse is a beater / druggie / alkie / martian, etc."

So, while I wholeheartedly AGREE that marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, and that too many people would rather put the work into a divorce than into saving a marriage, I'm trying to adopt the attitude of "You know your reasons far better than I do" and just address the specific question asked.

This particular poster I think has deeper issues at the source of her unhappy marriage. Anyone who has been married all that time and can state they've never lived on their own, and never wants to live alone has an unusual, and dare I say unhealthy, outlook on life.

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#281760 - 09/11/07 03:30 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Renee]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
It was not as a result of your post and I agree, those that are convinced they are leaving do not want advice on why they should stay...

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