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#281761 - 09/11/07 01:27 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Renee]
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
Renee,
Thanks for your comments. Actually, I would like very much to live on my own. I would ADORE it. I'm fairly certain, based on projecting budgeting, that I would not be able to afford it, though. There's a big difference between not wanting to live alone and not being able to financially enable living alone. I never said I didn't want to live alone.

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#281762 - 09/11/07 01:40 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
For those of you who seem to need to know more facts in order to give me more information actually *relevant* to my original question instead of giving me moral lecturing on the sanctity of marriage and the heinousness of divorce, here goes:

I've been married for 22 years. Therefore I've been around a while and yes, have been working on the marriage, not just sitting here daydreaming about getting out of it. Does ten years of second thoughts about divorcing make that clear? I said I've been considering divorcing for a whole DECADE but haven't gone through with it yet. I think I might have a CLUE by now why my marriage isn't working and why I want out. Therefore, this isn't a whimsical or lightly taken decision.
I've been through marital counseling already. Our communication has always sucked, we don't want the same things out of life, and we aren't doing anything to help each other achieve the things we do want out of life. We have fun together rarely. I could go on and on, but I don't feel the need to. I'm not some beginner at marriage or some flaky idiot who's been married for five minutes and hasn't seriously considered the consequences of my actions or the potential break up of my marriage. So please keep the future posts relevant to helping me find housing, thanks !
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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#281763 - 09/11/07 03:17 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
I apologize if I sounded annoyed/cranky in the post above.

Perhaps to help along my original question, may I clarify it? How about someone letting me know if they were in my position of feeling like you've nowhere to go, and then if you left the marriage, how did you handle this major obstacle? Thank you.

Nobody should stay married if they stay only because they feel trapped.

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#281764 - 09/11/07 03:21 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
ssmom79 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
I don't care how or why you got to where you are. You want out, then OK.

But have you looked at studios or one-bedrooms in your area? You say you are "fairly sure"???

What about a room to rent?

Where do you live and what do you do for a living (those ARE relevant I think)?

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#281765 - 09/11/07 04:35 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
yregna Offline
veteran

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Why can't you just spread your legs for some other meal ticket guy ? Something wrong with your legs ?
_________________________
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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#281766 - 09/11/07 04:43 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
You may not find some things relevant, but that doesn't mean they aren't. There are many many MANY people who ARE that flaky, that they simply haven't tried counseling, have just been "unhappy" (which is all you stated), and think the only way to happiness is in ending the marriage.

However, once someone has decided it MUST end, and nothing else can be done to save it, you will STILL deal with feelings of guilt, second-guessing, etc. You will start wondering if you CAN do it alone. You may even overlook obvious (to others) solutions because of the fear clouding your judgment. You've been in a relationship 22 years. Ending that and striking out alone is a HUGE change in your life. It will cause fear and it will cause you to THINK there aren't ways of making it work.

So like Ssmom said, what you do and where you live are relevant. SO IS, do you have any savings, CAN you start saving and PLAN to strike out alone, what are the assets/debts that will be divided, and much much more. No one here knows these, anymore than they knew you had or hadn't tried working on the marriage. And if you're fear of ending a 22 year comfort zone (which you likely ARE afraid at some level) clouds your judgment on these issues, the only way anyone else can advise you is to know everything. Otherwise, no one can really come up with options. There may always be some bit of info missing that would cause them to give you a different idea or plan.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281767 - 09/11/07 04:43 PM IAT... [Re: yregna]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
It's what's known as "Ignore all trolls".
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281768 - 09/11/07 05:07 PM Re: IAT... [Re: almostheaven]
ssmom79 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Ahhh yes, IAT...I have that feature on my computer.

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#281769 - 09/11/07 10:16 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
If you have been that unhappy for so long, you have tried therapy, you don't have fun together, you barely communicate, I'd leave, that relationship is over and dead. I did not realize you had been through all that. I was married 28 years, she just decided one day she was done being a mother and wife and wanted to have fun with no responsibilities except cashing my alimony check. No discussion, no counceling, do not pass go or collect $200.00. And she had a boyfriend in 30 days. Alot to digest so I thought other people in that position (ready to leave) might want to explore why they got married in the first place. You already know that, I'd call it a day and move on.

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#281770 - 09/12/07 03:59 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Sorry - your original post had a line in it about not wanting to live alone permanently, and I jumped ahead of myself thinking that you just didn't want to live alone period. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In any case, is your H aware of your desire to start divorce proceedings? What is his reaction, or what do you anticipate his reaction to be? The reason I ask is if he is just as unhappy, and is in the same frame of mind as you are to get it over with, then he may be willing to not bicker over an equitable settlement.

You should consult with an atty to find out your options. If your H is agreeable, you could end up with a settlement that will help you find and afford your own place, and allow you to take steps to find better paying employment.

Roommates can be a temporary fix, but it can be very difficult to find one thats easy to live with. Unless there are friends or family that you are willing to deal with on a daily basis you could end up with a complete stranger. Try googling roommate services in your area. Some of those services actually do cks on their clients - credit, employment, etc. - and that could help eliminate the Wacko Factor.

You could also try to find employment at an apt complex - cleaning vacated apts, leasing, etc. Sometimes they will give you a break on the rent in exchange for working for them. That prevents the wacko roommate issue, and may offer a flexible enough schedule to work or go to school at the same time.

Good luck -- sorry that its come to this, but I hope you are able to find what you've been missing.

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