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#281751 - 09/10/07 09:00 PM Where to go??
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
I've been Googling all day but can't find any discussions about or advice for this online anywhere.

I'm fairly certain that I finally want to end my unfullfilling, pointless, stifling, stagnant marriage of 22 years. In fact, I've wanted OUT for the last decade, but have never been able to get my act together to go through with it. The main obstacle that has held me back all this time, and is now the ONLY reason holding me back: Where could I afford to live on my own?

I don't make a great hourly wage, but I do work 40 hours a week. I don't expect I'll be able to get any financial help from my husband. There are no kids in this picture.
I haven't got any friends or relatives that I want to live with (or that I could stand to live with.)

I have never lived on my own before.
What's the best way to go about finding affordable and safe housing ? I'm fairly sure that I can't afford the monthly rent for a studio or 1 bedroom apartment on a regular basis without getting behind in other bills.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and how did you handle it? What about roommates, how viable is that as a long term solution if I don't want to live alone permanently? I truly feel like I can't safely leave because I don't have anywhere to go.

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#281752 - 09/10/07 11:08 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Increasing your job skills and getting a better job will open up your options considerably. If you're living in a high cost of living area consider moving to one less expensive. You may be awarded a financial settlement by the courts considering your long term marriage. However, being awarded a financial settlement and having him pay it are two different things. The more self-sufficient you make yourself, the less dependent you will be on him.

As for a long term roommate, I think you're limiting yourself because of your fear of the unknown. If you've never lived on your own how do you know you don't want to? You would not believe how unbelievably freeing it is to have a place to yourself, and to be able to be social when you want to. Don't knock it til you try it - <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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#281753 - 09/11/07 01:20 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
almostheaven Offline
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Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I don't understand why you HAVE to go. You said nothing other than you're unhappy in the marriage. After 22 years, I'd spend more time looking for reasons WHY you're unhappy and on getting some counseling to see if the marriage can be saved than I would in figuring out how to rent an apt.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281754 - 09/11/07 01:42 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
I wrote over in "Life after divorce" when talking about how easy it seems the leaving spouse can plan their departure and head for the hills with little notice to the left spouse. I commented:

"For better or for worse" implies and requires sacrifice. You have to put your spouse and your marriage in first place. Unfortunately in today's society, more and more people have no idea of what this entails. They're used to self-gratification rather than responsibility; selfishness rather than mutuality; disposable relationships rather than commitment.

I am glad that someone finally has a rational approach to consider before exiting the cowardly way(Char Fox/Almost Heaven) in her comment:

(Quote)I don't understand why you HAVE to go. You said nothing other than you're unhappy in the marriage. After 22 years, I'd spend more time looking for reasons WHY you're unhappy and on getting some counseling to see if the marriage can be saved than I would in figuring out how to rent an apt.

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#281755 - 09/11/07 01:49 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Badasp]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Unless someone is being abused or there are some really serious factors, divorce should be the LAST thought rather than the first. I don't particularly agree with the for better or worse mantra as many people believe that even if you're getting the crap kicked outta you that you should still tough it out. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I know that divorce isn't as easy as people think it is and that the grass ain't always greener and so before looking to bail, they should try to find out why they married in the first place and see if it can be fixed.
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Char Fox

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#281756 - 09/11/07 02:24 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
That goes without saying. Obviously if there is abuse, cheating, lying, what's the point. I'm referring to most marriages where there is communication breakdowns, boredom, etc. where some therapy discussions might head it off before one just punts and leaves.

I really don't consider it my mantra, it's a pretty common theme here and elsewhere that one spouse feels neglected and gets attention from some new person, so the unknown spouse gets thrown under the bus and left with little information other than it's just over and now pick up the pieces.


Edited by Badasp (09/11/07 02:29 AM)

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#281757 - 09/11/07 02:41 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Badasp]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Oh I wasn't meaning it was your mantra. It's part of the standard vows, and there are those who think it's a sacred vow and it doesn't matter what's happening, to tough it out. And that's just stupid thinking by the ones who feel that way. They're usually the Sunday hypocrites anyway, and I hardly ever think much of what they believe. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281758 - 09/11/07 02:51 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
I agree, my position is if you have invested many years in a marriage or relationship and for the most part you are treated with respect, you have fun and get along, why throw all that, your kids (if you have them) and friends away taking the chance that the future will treat you better. I just think, and it did not occur that way in my divorce, you should make sure you know exactly why you are leaving and why you cannot make it work before leaving.

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#281759 - 09/11/07 03:02 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
In the event that Badasp's post was a response prompted by my post I'd like to offer this:

I would've addressed the idea of counseling to the OP, and had in fact put that into the first paragraph of my response, however I pulled it back out. Seems it happens quite often that when I've advised a poster to seek counseling it falls on deaf ears. Usually the response is along the lines of "I didn't ask how to save it, I asked xxxxx", or "My spouse is a beater / druggie / alkie / martian, etc."

So, while I wholeheartedly AGREE that marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, and that too many people would rather put the work into a divorce than into saving a marriage, I'm trying to adopt the attitude of "You know your reasons far better than I do" and just address the specific question asked.

This particular poster I think has deeper issues at the source of her unhappy marriage. Anyone who has been married all that time and can state they've never lived on their own, and never wants to live alone has an unusual, and dare I say unhealthy, outlook on life.

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#281760 - 09/11/07 03:30 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Renee]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
It was not as a result of your post and I agree, those that are convinced they are leaving do not want advice on why they should stay...

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#281761 - 09/11/07 01:27 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Renee]
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
Renee,
Thanks for your comments. Actually, I would like very much to live on my own. I would ADORE it. I'm fairly certain, based on projecting budgeting, that I would not be able to afford it, though. There's a big difference between not wanting to live alone and not being able to financially enable living alone. I never said I didn't want to live alone.

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#281762 - 09/11/07 01:40 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
For those of you who seem to need to know more facts in order to give me more information actually *relevant* to my original question instead of giving me moral lecturing on the sanctity of marriage and the heinousness of divorce, here goes:

I've been married for 22 years. Therefore I've been around a while and yes, have been working on the marriage, not just sitting here daydreaming about getting out of it. Does ten years of second thoughts about divorcing make that clear? I said I've been considering divorcing for a whole DECADE but haven't gone through with it yet. I think I might have a CLUE by now why my marriage isn't working and why I want out. Therefore, this isn't a whimsical or lightly taken decision.
I've been through marital counseling already. Our communication has always sucked, we don't want the same things out of life, and we aren't doing anything to help each other achieve the things we do want out of life. We have fun together rarely. I could go on and on, but I don't feel the need to. I'm not some beginner at marriage or some flaky idiot who's been married for five minutes and hasn't seriously considered the consequences of my actions or the potential break up of my marriage. So please keep the future posts relevant to helping me find housing, thanks !
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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#281763 - 09/11/07 03:17 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
rllyfckd1 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 4
I apologize if I sounded annoyed/cranky in the post above.

Perhaps to help along my original question, may I clarify it? How about someone letting me know if they were in my position of feeling like you've nowhere to go, and then if you left the marriage, how did you handle this major obstacle? Thank you.

Nobody should stay married if they stay only because they feel trapped.

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#281764 - 09/11/07 03:21 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
ssmom79 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
I don't care how or why you got to where you are. You want out, then OK.

But have you looked at studios or one-bedrooms in your area? You say you are "fairly sure"???

What about a room to rent?

Where do you live and what do you do for a living (those ARE relevant I think)?

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#281765 - 09/11/07 04:35 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
yregna Offline
veteran

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Why can't you just spread your legs for some other meal ticket guy ? Something wrong with your legs ?
_________________________
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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#281766 - 09/11/07 04:43 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
You may not find some things relevant, but that doesn't mean they aren't. There are many many MANY people who ARE that flaky, that they simply haven't tried counseling, have just been "unhappy" (which is all you stated), and think the only way to happiness is in ending the marriage.

However, once someone has decided it MUST end, and nothing else can be done to save it, you will STILL deal with feelings of guilt, second-guessing, etc. You will start wondering if you CAN do it alone. You may even overlook obvious (to others) solutions because of the fear clouding your judgment. You've been in a relationship 22 years. Ending that and striking out alone is a HUGE change in your life. It will cause fear and it will cause you to THINK there aren't ways of making it work.

So like Ssmom said, what you do and where you live are relevant. SO IS, do you have any savings, CAN you start saving and PLAN to strike out alone, what are the assets/debts that will be divided, and much much more. No one here knows these, anymore than they knew you had or hadn't tried working on the marriage. And if you're fear of ending a 22 year comfort zone (which you likely ARE afraid at some level) clouds your judgment on these issues, the only way anyone else can advise you is to know everything. Otherwise, no one can really come up with options. There may always be some bit of info missing that would cause them to give you a different idea or plan.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281767 - 09/11/07 04:43 PM IAT... [Re: yregna]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
It's what's known as "Ignore all trolls".
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281768 - 09/11/07 05:07 PM Re: IAT... [Re: almostheaven]
ssmom79 Offline
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Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Ahhh yes, IAT...I have that feature on my computer.

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#281769 - 09/11/07 10:16 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
Badasp Offline
addict

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
If you have been that unhappy for so long, you have tried therapy, you don't have fun together, you barely communicate, I'd leave, that relationship is over and dead. I did not realize you had been through all that. I was married 28 years, she just decided one day she was done being a mother and wife and wanted to have fun with no responsibilities except cashing my alimony check. No discussion, no counceling, do not pass go or collect $200.00. And she had a boyfriend in 30 days. Alot to digest so I thought other people in that position (ready to leave) might want to explore why they got married in the first place. You already know that, I'd call it a day and move on.

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#281770 - 09/12/07 03:59 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: rllyfckd1]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
Sorry - your original post had a line in it about not wanting to live alone permanently, and I jumped ahead of myself thinking that you just didn't want to live alone period. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In any case, is your H aware of your desire to start divorce proceedings? What is his reaction, or what do you anticipate his reaction to be? The reason I ask is if he is just as unhappy, and is in the same frame of mind as you are to get it over with, then he may be willing to not bicker over an equitable settlement.

You should consult with an atty to find out your options. If your H is agreeable, you could end up with a settlement that will help you find and afford your own place, and allow you to take steps to find better paying employment.

Roommates can be a temporary fix, but it can be very difficult to find one thats easy to live with. Unless there are friends or family that you are willing to deal with on a daily basis you could end up with a complete stranger. Try googling roommate services in your area. Some of those services actually do cks on their clients - credit, employment, etc. - and that could help eliminate the Wacko Factor.

You could also try to find employment at an apt complex - cleaning vacated apts, leasing, etc. Sometimes they will give you a break on the rent in exchange for working for them. That prevents the wacko roommate issue, and may offer a flexible enough schedule to work or go to school at the same time.

Good luck -- sorry that its come to this, but I hope you are able to find what you've been missing.

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#281771 - 09/13/07 12:49 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: yregna]
JustMeAndThree Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 993
Ignore the moron in the last post...he has issues...i don't think his mother was very nice to him.

As for my advice...I didn't think I would survive on my own...but I knew I couldn't survive mentally being in my marriage anymore either. After having been a stay at home mom for 4 years...i got a job making barely above minimum wage and I left with my 3 kids. It was a struggle, I had to get government assistance (which probably won't help much in your case being you are without children) but my point is...I worked...and I did EXTRA work...Now after 6 months in a slightly-above-crap-hole-status house my kids and I have recently moved into a bigger, better house. I believe that if you REALLY feel it necessary to get out, you can and will find a way...regardless of what it takes. Even if it means sucking it up and living with some idiot relative for a few months so you can save up some money. Or even getting a second job. No kids = more time for work. Just my opinion. Have you checked into apartments in your area that have the rent based on income? Maybe a garage apartment somewhere?
_________________________
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.

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#281772 - 09/13/07 02:28 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: JustMeAndThree]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>Ignore the moron in the last post...he has issues...i don't think his mother was very nice to him. <<<<<

He has no mother. He was hatched.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281773 - 09/13/07 02:51 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
Drew Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
Nay AH, spawned...............
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell

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#281774 - 09/13/07 03:40 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Drew]
JustMeAndThree Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 993
lol...maybe it was more a "frankestien" situation....expirement gone bad....very, very bad. ROFLMAO
_________________________
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.

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#281775 - 09/13/07 06:35 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: JustMeAndThree]
Drew Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
Yeah, Mel Brooks!!! Who's brain is this anyway eyegore?

Some guy named abby normal!!! LOL
_________________________
"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell

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#281776 - 09/13/07 08:45 PM Re: Where to go?? [Re: Drew]
JustMeAndThree Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 993
Quote:
Yeah, Mel Brooks!!! Who's brain is this anyway eyegore?

Some guy named abby normal!!! LOL


Thanks for a good laugh...I really needed one today <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
_________________________
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.

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#281777 - 09/14/07 02:00 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: JustMeAndThree]
Drew Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
;b
_________________________
"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell

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#281778 - 09/14/07 02:01 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: JustMeAndThree]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Hey, Frankenstein was even smarter than this guy.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#281779 - 09/14/07 11:57 AM Re: Where to go?? [Re: almostheaven]
JustMeAndThree Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 993
Quote:
Hey, Frankenstein was even smarter than this guy.


Yeha, good point! But i stick to the "expirement gone wrong" theory <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
_________________________
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.

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