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#352697 - 02/17/08 11:51 PM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: Relayer]
DeeCee Offline
addict

Registered: 10/08/07
Posts: 420
Quote:

It's 100% tied to money and control. Some would like to say the kids but that is pretty much decided by state statute.

Greed.


Yea. My stbx had the audacity to say to me I was being greedy because I wouldn't accept a ridiculously joke of a settlement. How can you reason with a spouse who is using the divorce and $$$ as a means to settle some anger issue.
Because he is operating from his angry control side..we have to go the whole back and forth with lawyers. I can't imagine that he doesn't realize eventually all documents are going to be looked over. There no way he can deny the longevity of the marriage and what was accrued together. SO we have to have a judge say to use like we are two kids fighting over a toy..you get this and you get that?
crazy.

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#352698 - 02/18/08 09:02 AM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: DeeCee]
kmich91261 Offline
member

Registered: 01/15/08
Posts: 119
Loc: Washington, USA
Mine is so crazy! My STBX has put in black and white that there won't be any settlement even if we agree upon everything else unless I agree to STBX having sole custody only of our 4 year old son. STBX even had enough nerve to say in the same e-mail that she would be vindictive unless I agreed to sole custody. I had offered before our separation to give STBX the proceeds in the house after it was sold (this was before the car debt was added), the car, almost everything we bought during the marriage with the exception of a few items of very little to no value in the grand scheme of things I wanted, and the most important thing was joint custody since this would be fair to our 4 year old son and to us. Where is the thought process on this on STBX's behalf?!?!?!?! A reasonable person would have said okay lets sign the papers on what we agree upon and let the judge decide on what we can't agree upon. But she has said in the same e-mail previously stating she would be vindicative she would rather have the "black robes" (aka the court) decide and pay thousands of dollars in attorney's fees versus being somewhat reasonable. I could understand if I wasn't a father before we separated (meaning I didn't want anything to do with our son or her daughter) or there was legal issues (such as DV, drug or alcohol abuse) but as I've described in previous postings this wasn't the case. The fact of the matter was that although I worked a full time job during the day, she took it upon herself to just up and leave for the evening (sometimes even before I got home) leaving our son and her daughter in my care until she got home at the wee hours of the next morning. She would go out drinking then drive home, go to the casino quite frequently (towards the end before the sep date almost everyday), be out with friends, and on one known time she sobered up in a "friends" bed that turned out to be a male friend who I know very little about. And for those that said I just let it happen without asking her why she had to do the things she did, I did ask her on several occasions why she had to do it and why it was more important then her family? No real reason other then she had to live for today versus for tomorrow. I even brought it up in marriage counseling and she said she didn't nor was going to change.

The other things that drive me crazy is that STBX won't make a decision even on the small minor things without consulting legal or won't open her d-mn mouth and say something to me. One example was my STBX and I were at the courthouse and we had just finished our second hearing. I had a check from the credit card company that was for $34. When I asked would you like to come to the bank and cash this or would you like me to write you out half the refund from my own check book and you still sign the check so I can cash it? Her response was I'll have to discuss this with my attorney. My first thought was what a dumb a-s because by the time you get done talking with the attorney you will have burned up your half of the refund and then some.

We have an agreement in one of the first COs that STBX can come and pack with anybody she chooses so long as the date is agreed upon by both. Well recently (last week) my most recently fired attorney got a letter from STBX's attorney claiming that I wouldn't allow her in the house (locks were changed the weekend STBX left because her drunken brother threatened me by saying watch your back) on a previous occasion to pack. I had written proof that proved that was wrong. STBX contacted me last week for coming in 2/17/09 which I agreed however all I wanted to know was who was coming and how long they were going to be there (I had our son and wanted to plan accordingly) out of common courtesy and to protect my a-s if there was question of who was all their on her side. STBX apparently took this as that I wouldn't allow her in the door and contacted her attorney.

On the same letter my STBX accused me of not cooperating to sell the house. In the same CO which we agreed upon packing her belongings we also agreed to sell the house. We agreed upon that we would come up with a mutually agreed upon real estate agent, selling price, ect, with no deadline given. We also agreed that if we couldn't agree upon an agent then the two attorneys would come up with one. Well the ironic thing is that since November the only discussions that have come up pertaining to selling the house is her asking do you have an agent yet and my replies being no how about you? Her replies was nope no agent yet however should put the house on the market soon. I did have a ridiculous offer from her brother asking to buy the house but I sniffed out a rotten fish in the offer and never got back to him. Since November I've changed my mind and would like to keep the house however the two wild cards are the CS and SS (if it continues). I had expressed this to my ex attorney and he agreed that it should be delayed as much as possible. I've also expressed my concern with my STBX on the few occasions we discussed the house and also with my attorney that if we sell the house in this extreme market we will be in the red.

Can you tell me why somebody would be so unreasonable or for that matter (as the OP said) drag it out for so long? I've pointed this out to STBX and that it would be best if we got this done ASAP not only for our son but so we can move on with our lives.
_________________________
"Get busy living or get busy dying." Shawshank Redemption

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#352699 - 02/18/08 09:36 AM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: Maury]
BetsyR Offline
member

Registered: 07/13/07
Posts: 187
Thank you Maury!

In my case, I expect TS to be infinitely greater than SS, because I don't want SS. One, I'd rather go for a larger share of the assets. Two, if my ex had to pay SS, he'd be back every other month telling everyone how poor he is, how his clients have all disappeared, how his expenses are soooo high. Just thinking about dealing with the probable adjustments fives me a headache.

So I hope that when stbx learns that I'm willing to forgo SS but will insist upon TS, maybe that will light a fire under his sorry rear. I hope TS will be substantial, but I'm interested to hear you don't necessarily think it will be.

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#352700 - 02/18/08 09:39 AM Re: But you're not done... [Re: PhoenixRising]
BetsyR Offline
member

Registered: 07/13/07
Posts: 187
That's grim, PR! But a good reality check.

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#352701 - 02/18/08 09:45 AM Re: But you're not done... [Re: DeeCee]
BetsyR Offline
member

Registered: 07/13/07
Posts: 187
DeeCee, my stbx is your stbx's twin, except that mine lost his mind first, then he filled with anger later. Same end product, though.

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#352702 - 02/18/08 01:35 PM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
matart1 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
I think some of it is about the mental makeup of an individual.

I think I had filed for divorce in July-August maybe and in October that same year it was granted by the Judge.

in my husband's case when he was going through his first divorce - it dragged out for like 3 years. a lot of it was nickle and dime and trivial bs.
it was control - she wanted to be married but not to him but she did not want to relinquish her say so in their life or his paycheck - then once she was divorced she wanted to be married back to him....

sometimes people drag it out because they can or maybe because the court where it is filed is inept.
_________________________
Life is a long lesson in humility.

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#352703 - 02/18/08 03:37 PM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
BeckaLeigh Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/08/05
Posts: 6879
Loc: Texas
It took us a little over 2 years to finalize our divorce. It took so long because we have 2 kids together who we both fought to keep. Each of us had our own reasons but his reason, and he has told me many times, was that if he didnt have custody of the kids, he couldnt control me. My reasons were much simpler. He is a drug abusing, abusive alcoholic who cares more for himself than he ever will anyone else. The kids are more stable, safe, comfortable, well cared for, etc.. with me than with him. If it had taken 8 years or longer, I would have done it the same way.
_________________________
I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.

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#352704 - 02/18/08 04:00 PM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: matart1]
DeeCee Offline
addict

Registered: 10/08/07
Posts: 420
Quote:
I think some of it is about the mental makeup of an individual.


I first got hint that my stbx was mentally losing his mind when I informed him I would not sign the Separation Agreement as it was written. I simply informed him..and the without warning he exploded in full blown rage calling me derogatory names! Aside from being shocked at his verbal attack on me I kept thinking all that and he didn't even bother asking me why? He never said what do want or why not? He took my refusal to sign as doing something against him. So because I felt then I only want to use a lawyer to protect my self interest he has taken this warpath mentality.

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#352705 - 02/18/08 09:51 PM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: kmich91261]
icwal Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 334
Kmich - Even though I agree on most everything you say in your post I would have to agree on your STBX on the "no contact" part. Even if you 2 are still living together you should not be discussing anything and I mean anythingwith each other. If my STBX would tell me I left my lights on in the car I would tell him to call his lawyer. Both of you are getting a divorce which means that you do not have to answer to anything to each other and if there is misconduct it will be worked out in court.

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#352706 - 02/19/08 01:00 AM Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
DeeCee Offline
addict

Registered: 10/08/07
Posts: 420
Quote:
... Even if you 2 are still living together you should not be discussing anything and I mean anythingwith each other. If my STBX would tell me I left my lights on in the car I would tell him to call his lawyer. Both of you are getting a divorce which means that you do not have to answer to anything to each other and if there is misconduct it will be worked out in court.


how funny that you mention this. I was going to ask here on this thread do any of you talk with your spouse still...especially if you lived under the same roof while going through the divorce process. I have virtually no desire nor have made any attempts at talking with the ex. Absolutely nil. At one point last month he asked me for my 2007 spending expenses..Normally beofre this I would have sat down an gone over them ..but I e-mailed him and replied if you want that information have your lawyer contact mine. I find for myself this is the only way to prevent any way for him to slip in an negative jabs.

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