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#357146 - 02/26/08 08:15 PM First day in court - not good
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
Today was conf to discuss outstanding TRO i have against STBXW. Judge ruled no need for a TRO as he granted me exclusive use of house. That was the only thing he gave me. Ordered $300/wk SS even though she has access and free use of a credit card in my name only (she's a named user on account). While i don't argue the amount, he basically gave her that with no restriction on cc use. She is an admitted alcoholic which the judge told me only means i'll be paying for her medical coverage "for years" - she decided to quit a 50K yr job she had held for 25 years 5 yrs ago to "stay home with the kids". At that time, kids were 11 and 15. He told me i can't spend a penny of a 5k bonus i just received and can't spend a penny of the anticipated 6k tax refund. When i asked how was i going to pay all the bills (which he strongly instructed me i must) he had no response.

I expected the judge to "set some expectations" and i understand and support an equitable distribution, but with the allegations her atty is throwing (PAS not the least since my 15 year old has elected to stay with me) this is ugly early. I mentioned tuition payments and judge just laughed them off - i know they are moral, not legal, responsibilities, but i thought he would at least raise that point so STBX would consider maybe that needs to be a part of our larger discussion.

Let's just say, i left thinking i have no chance to even get 50% of anything. With her atty smelling blood, how can i even get my STBX to have a civil conversation about what should be a fair resolution?

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#357147 - 02/26/08 08:37 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
PhoenixRising Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
Sorry, I did try to get you to set your expectations lower...

You had an attorney when you last posted; where was he when all this was happening?

You won't be able to speak directly to your STBX; she is represented by counsel. You will be seen as harassing..

Your hope is to get it done quickly and minimize the amount of time you are under "temporary orders".

Bringing up the tuition for a high-priced private college was not a good idea; it is not a "legal" issue.. Try to push toward a settlement even if you don't see it as totally "fair"..

Your only other choice is to fight over the assets until they are all consumed by the attorneys...



Your ex has an illness that was/is sucking your family under; it sounds like the divorce was a necessary step (albeit an expensive one).
_________________________
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato

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#357148 - 02/26/08 09:11 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: PhoenixRising]
1984raider Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 190
Can you prove with receipts how much she spends on stuff that you consider addictive. Can you prove she wasted money?
As far as college, it sounds like you oldest child is on his/her on. I would get mom paying you child support even at only the min. amount.
_________________________
If they could have gotten along then they would not be divorced.

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#357149 - 02/26/08 09:12 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: 1984raider]
1984raider Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 190
Can you prove you tried to help her with problem with counseling and treatment facilities etc?
_________________________
If they could have gotten along then they would not be divorced.

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#357150 - 02/26/08 09:51 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: PhoenixRising]
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
Thanks for the comments Phoenix. I guess i get a sense this whole thing is on auto pilot and none of the details seem to matter. I know she has a problem; i want to help her with it (after trying everything for years, i believe filing for divorce is my last chance at doing that); i know she contributed to the household at one point; i'm not looking for everything, but how do i stop her from just wasting everything we have left? She's not rational.

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#357151 - 02/27/08 02:08 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
PhoenixRising Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
"how do i stop her from just wasting everything we have left?"

----> I wish I had an answer to THAT question.. I would be a couple hundred thousand dollars richer now... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



"I get a sense this whole thing is on auto pilot and none of the details seem to matter."

---> There are many "details" that unfortunately don't matter in the eyes of the law..


IMHO, what I have learned through the many years on my ongoing trial is that (even if you have a lawyer) you have to educate yourself on what areas the law can help you and what areas it cannot..

$300/wk in SS by case law was/is to be expected...

The free use of a credit card is questionable.

Sometimes my attorney gives my ex enough rope to hang himself.

If your stbx is "not rational" and is bent on "wasting everything"; letting her have the credit card is a good way of giving her rope.

Perhaps your attorney/judge is hoping to let her show her true colors.

If you get a statement that indicates that she is wantonly "dissapating marital assets" and then you will have grounds to hold her solely responsible for the credit card.

In the end, you "could" be rewarded a larger share of the distribution of assets.


You seem smart and rational and like you are trying to do the "right thing".

Start thinking like a lawyer. Gather irrefutable evidence if you believe that she is "wasting everything we have left".

Conserve your strength and fight issues where the law is on your side and don't work so hard pushing that rock uphill when the law is clearly on her side...

-PR
_________________________
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato

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#357152 - 02/28/08 03:04 AM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: PhoenixRising]
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
PR - Thanks! This is an incredible learning experience - due to great insight from folks such as you, i'm starting to feel some progress.

My STBX and i are both represented. That said, if we both agree to meet and discuss a possible resolution, is there an issue?

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#357153 - 03/01/08 02:26 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>she has access and free use of a credit card in my name only <<<<<

Did the judge ORDER that you continue to allow her to use this card? If not, then YOU have the power to stop it. You simply call the cc company and have them put a lock on the account or even close the account. You can [censored] it so that only YOU can spend on it. Unless the judge ordered it, you don't have to allow her to continue using it.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#357154 - 03/01/08 03:10 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: almostheaven]
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
Judge did order it. He is a magistrate and this was a conference to resolve the TRO issue. Next time we go back we go to another judge who will ultimately hear the divorce case. Magistrate did say anything he ordered (alimony, CC use, exclusive use of house, custody, me not touching the bonus i just got or our tax refund) can be altered by judge, but it is what it is until april. any direction and whether me and stbx can communicate and mutally agree now. she is reaching out to me and i want to resolve, but afraid if we reach agreement her attorney will tell the court it is not fair and it will all be for naught. her atty sees dollar signs given our fair amount of assets. thanks

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#357155 - 03/01/08 11:03 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
Relayer Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
Quote:
Judge did order it. He is a magistrate and this was a conference to resolve the TRO issue. Next time we go back we go to another judge who will ultimately hear the divorce case. Magistrate did say anything he ordered (alimony, CC use, exclusive use of house, custody, me not touching the bonus i just got or our tax refund) can be altered by judge, but it is what it is until april. any direction and whether me and stbx can communicate and mutally agree now. she is reaching out to me and i want to resolve, but afraid if we reach agreement her attorney will tell the court it is not fair and it will all be for naught. her atty sees dollar signs given our fair amount of assets. thanks


He can't grant her use of the card but he can't order you to keep it open unless her name is on it too. I'd close the card.
_________________________
GO CUBBIES!!!!

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#357156 - 03/02/08 02:48 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: Relayer]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I'd check with a lawyer first. Because the judge did order her use of it, closing it would be like a slap in the judge's face, and he doesn't want to make the judge mad at him.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#357157 - 03/02/08 08:57 PM Re: First day in court - not good [Re: almostheaven]
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
i agree with heaven - judge told me "tough". The fact he won't let me spend even half of my bonus or our tax refund on daily bills tells me he would come down hard on me doing anything that makes it difficult for stbx to purchase items. all parties know she has a cc in her name only, yet she chooses and is allowed to use mine where she is simply an authorized user on the account. I appreciate all comments / suggestions, but think i need to sit tight on this.

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#357158 - 03/02/08 09:04 PM Just remember... [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
There is another side to this. You do not want to make the judge mad at you, but...neither does she. And if she starts using that card like candy just because she thinks she's so in the judge's favor, it may be the biggest mistake she makes.
_________________________
Char Fox

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