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#368140 - 03/20/08 02:55 AM Child involvement....how do i not be a hypocrite?
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
If you've seen any of my posts you know that i say i want what's best for my children (actually, i want what's best for all of us, including my STBX, if possible, but realize most won't believe that).

That said, i just rec'd a call from STB who is rejecting the mediation proposal (i discussed with her and she said she was open to it; i did the research and sent her some names and some information on the process; she said she would call and i was comfortable leaving the final decision of "who" up to her).

So now i'm convinced what i thought initially is accurate: either her atty is playing her or she just wants to make this ugly.

Here's my dilemma: she tells her family everything (true or, often, fabricated); i have kept our private life private. Sure, my family and friends have "caught on" to her alcoholism over the years, but i have never told the full story so their perception is diminished; she, however, embellishes. The only people "on my side" with a true understanding of what has transpired are our kids.

I pushed for mediation to keep them out of it. Now, if i go to court it's "all of them" (her family) with her version against me with no witnesses to support the true story; if i bring my kids into it, i feel i'm using them; if i don't, i lose.

How do i protect myself and, at the same time, keep the kids out of it when my only "evidence" is them?

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#368141 - 03/20/08 03:24 AM Re: Child involvement....how do i not be a hypocrite? [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
icwal Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 334
Maybe you can tell her that you will have the kids on stand by if need be - meaning if her or her family is dead set on lying in court that you have no option than to bring the children in as witnesses. That way it will be on her and her family. I don't know if thats possible but worth a try

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#368142 - 03/21/08 02:14 AM Re: Child involvement....how do i not be a hypocrite? [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Her family can only be witnesses as far as what they've "witnessed", not what she's told them, or embellished. The judge won't accept hearsay.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#368143 - 03/22/08 09:47 PM Re: Child involvement....how do i not be a hypocrite? [Re: almostheaven]
Relayer Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
I would say her attorney is playing her.

What exactly is she saying about you?
_________________________
GO CUBBIES!!!!

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#368144 - 03/23/08 02:23 PM Re: Child involvement....how do i not be a hypocrite? [Re: Relayer]
2Gr8Kdz84 Offline
newbie

Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 37
She twists virtually everything. For ex, we attended daughter's competition a week or so ago. Stbx wanted to go out for lunch with daughter, but daughter wasn't up for it. Stbx began to cry and walk away. I s/w daughter and asked her if she would go, just get a slice of pizza or something to cheer up her mother. Daugher caught up to mother and they spoke for a while - i assumed they were going to go out. They came back and said they were not. On way home, i asked daughter why. She said she had a lot of homework to do (it was sunday afternoon) and really needed to get it done (had CCD at night, so time was limited). Once home, daughter immediately began working on homework. I then called stbx to let her know i was sorry it didn't work out, but daughter was doing homework. She replied "I never said she didn't have homework."

I replied, i know that, i'm not saying you did, i was just calling because i knew you were upset and i wanted to assure you she wasn't going out with friends or just coming up with an excuse to not go to lunch (not that she'd ever do that).

It's always that way - even when i do something well intentioned, she turns it around as though i am accusing her of something or putting her down. That's what she portrays to her family and friends (and atty).

Kids see the real version and would support me. When, in a drunken rage, stbx accused me of an affair, older daughter laughed and said "when would you have time for that?" She sees i work from 7-5:30 everyday come home, cook dinner (yes, i do virtually all the cooking and then the dishes) and spend the nights and weekends with the family. But ask stbx's family and i bet they think i'm Drew Peterson.

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#368145 - 03/26/08 12:29 AM Re: Child involvement....how do i not be a hypocrite? [Re: 2Gr8Kdz84]
Mi_qanda Offline
recently joined

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 9
Hi, 2Gr8Kdz84, I was in the same situation with the ex and the fabricated stories. Like you I only talked to my family and best friend about the issues, but they don't live in our town. He's played such a martyr it's laughable. Anyway, all I had was my best friend who saw him in action. My family too, but I didn't press them to go to court on my behalf since I felt the least amount of ppl involved the better. But when I got there, he had everyone in his family, his close friends too and it was painful to see these ppl I knew for all these years going along with whatever he spoon-fed them.

All I can say is hopefully you have documentation, dates, times etc. I would make it known you only want the kids involved if it's absolutely necessary. Your lawyer can let the judge know that you feel deeply concerned about how it will affect the kids, but if you have to do it for the greater good you will. The judge will do whats in his power not to traumatize the kids. Hopefully if you let her know your willing to do this, she will back off. If not, you will have to follow through. I would explain this to the kids too that you DO NOT want to involve them unless there is no other choice.

Best of luck <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

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