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#537229 - 07/28/09 07:35 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: RJ1]
JennyLynn Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
RJ - I didn't get the ball rolling for him to be thrown in jail. You seem to forget I got the ball rolling for them to find out where he was working. CSE already had hold of the case, and filed contempt the first time WITHOUT me contacting them. YOu also seem to forget me telling the judge, and CSE attorney, and even XH SPECIFICALLY that I did not want him in jail. And if he ended up there? It wouldn't have been my doing. I took responsibility for him for long enough. If I continue to do so, I will be enabling him and that would be poor judgement on my behalf.

It has absolutely nothing to do with hate RJ - I have anything but hate towards my exhusband.

I have no doubt your XH will continue to fail at his responsibilities b/c you have enabled him to do so. That doesn't make you wrong for that - nor does it make me wrong for expecting a father to actually be a father - and that doesn't only mean financially.

You don't have to agree w/ my choices - I certainly don't agree with yours. But if it works for you and your son - that's what's important. I would never have enough gall to tell someone who hasn't received CS that it's their fault their X is in jail for it. Or that it's a battered spouse's fault her husband was thrown in jail for beating her. Thik a child wants to know that about his father? Of course not. But it isn't her fault. At some point others have to take responsibility for their choices. And in that, I agree with the laws that are in place.

Sometimes as parents, we have to take it upon ourselves to at least attempt for both parents to take responsibility for their children. And while I cn't force him to do other things, CSE can at least attempt to force him to take financial responsibility. It's not for me, it's not for anyone but my son - if I hadn't taken the steps I have taken, my son would have a lot less than he does. I'm not the kind of person to sit back and whine that I receive nothing, when I haven't attempted to do anything about it. And sometimes it takes a good threat of jail for someone to step up and do what's right - as XH did in our situation.

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#537230 - 07/28/09 07:57 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: JennyLynn]
RJ1 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 5165
Nobody will ever convince me jail is the appropriate course of action. And anyone who contacts the courts in any way for contempt of failure to pay CS KNOWS that jailtime could occur. I don't enable my ex to do anything because I walked free and clear from him 10 years ago. I pursued CS one time six months ago after two years of non-payment because of this economy but after having regrets about it I'll never do it again. (He still doesn't know I had anything to do with it so we still have a good working coparenting relationship) And his check was cut Friday to start it up again after changing jobs. Maybe all he needed was a nudge. It's not your fault...never said it was...but you are old enough to know what the courts are capable of. If you are OK with jailtime, that's on you. I'm not.

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#537231 - 07/28/09 08:01 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: RJ1]
JennyLynn Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
I'm not trying to convince you of anything - I'm stating my opinion, which happens to be different than yours.

You aren't wrong for taking the approach that works best for you and your son - nor am I wrong for taking the approach that works best for me and my son.

And yes, I am very well aware of what the courts are capable of - and I'm glad I went the route I did, b/c it forced him to man up and do something about it, so that he wouldn't go to jail.

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#537232 - 07/28/09 09:30 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: JennyLynn]
Sherron Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/25/06
Posts: 20729
"the kid will end up hating the parent that has the other parent jailed. "

Wow, so I better apologize to my kids for calling the cops on their dad when he beat the $hit out of me. I mean, I'd hate to be at "fault" for having the poor guy jailed because HE broke the law, but I was the evil biatch who called the cops, so clearly - it's all on ME... wow... my kids will just hate ME. BAER.

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#537233 - 07/28/09 09:34 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: Sherron]
JennyLynn Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
I never have understood that way of thinking.

And people wonder why men like that continue to do what they do. Men/people like that WILL continue to behave as they do when those around them enable them to do so. Often times having serious consequences to face will make a person think twice about doing it again. Then again - sometimes not. My exhusband is lucky he didn't go to jail before I was even in the picture. He's escaped consequences many times - and I've been a part of that enabling. I will continue to be fair and do what's right, but I will no longer enable him to be the "man" he's become.

I don't feel very sorry for people who play the victim only when it comes time to face the consequences to their actions and decisions.

And while, as CP's we know what the court's feelings are on teh matter - so do the parents ignoring the law.

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#537234 - 07/28/09 10:02 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: Sherron]
RJ1 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/20/05
Posts: 5165
You took it out of context. Someone beating someone up is different than non payment of CS. Nobody says an NCP Dad going to jail is the CP's fault...but you have to admit we have a lot of control over it.

And JL I am not responsible for making my ex realize his failures of responsibilities. THAT is the main difference between us and I do not call that enabling. Personally, the less I have to do with the man the better off I am. I'm not his Momma, or God, or Karma...that will ultimately teach him his lesson. I've got enough to do than to keep up with him, or to stay in court every two months. And thankfully I don't feel the need to make him man up and I don't need his money. It's nice too.

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#537235 - 07/28/09 10:31 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: RJ1]
Cassie23 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 14784
I would never want my kid's father to end up in jail, hell I wouldn't want any kids parent to end up in jail regardless of who they are, what they have done. Yet it happens. We all make choices. The NCP's that end up in jail know the consequences of NOT paying CS. If the courts decide to punish them- a possible punishment is jail time. The CP does not control the NCP's choices... Obviously if they did they would much rather see the NCP financially support their children. Works out for everyone if they do. If the NCP doesn't- he/she is FULLY aware of the consequence.

Going to jail is the NCP's CHOICE.

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#537236 - 07/28/09 10:40 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: Cassie23]
JennyLynn Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
I completely agree with you Cassie.

I wouldn't wish harm or jailtime on anyone - not my XH, not anyone. But we are all adults - and we all know the consequences to our actions and choices before we make them.

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#537237 - 07/28/09 11:00 PM Re: Actually, it is... [Re: JennyLynn]
JennyLynn Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 31656
http://www.cffpp.org/publications/pdfs/crimstat.pdf

Found this interesting. It divides the punishments by state, etc.

(Notice it also states that not all CS agencies enforce them - which is where a lot of problems arise I believe - I think it needs to be equal across the board)


Edited by JennyLynn (07/28/09 11:04 PM)

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#537238 - 07/28/09 11:48 PM Re: non custodial parent in jail [Re: Yes_Dad]
Goodmom Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/17/07
Posts: 2202
Yesdad:

house payment, car payment (yu live there and drive the car..don't count

My response:

They absolutely DO count. Of course, only the portion that is for them. Which is easy to find. Find out how much it costs to rent a one bedroom apartment and deduct it from what is currently being paid for the the extra rooms needed for the kids.

Yesdad said:

bills ( electric, water , gas, food ) You use these utilitites..don't count


My response:

Not all of it would count. But a portion of it WOULD count.

Yesdad said:

Again, in hard dollars, what do you pay, aside from scohol, CC (which is usually seperate from CS) and their regular school...what is your cash out lay? Can't count the house or utilities as you live there too

My response:

Considering that the father isn't paying ANY of the court ordered child support, it is safe to assume that SHE is paying ALL of the children's expenses, including the added cost of housing and utilities.

You don't get to determine what counts and what doesn't.

And the only amount that she is paying that is relevant is the amount that she is COURT-ORDERED to pay. Because if she fails to follow a court order, she can go to jail for contempt. You know, like the father did for being in contempt.

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