I want some advice from a different perspective, I want to make sure that I am justified in my actions toward my ex's mom, my daugter's grandmother.
I want to feel and know that I really am doing what is best for my daughter.
A little History: The father of my child abused me while I was pregnant. He has a substance abuse problem. He was in jail for all but three months of my daughter's first year of life for theft and violence. He got out and I just could not put my daughter through what he put me through so I got a divorce.
Since he was in jail and my daughter was 4 or 5 months old, she had been going to her grandparents (his folks) house once a week. The dad has the availability to see his daughter over there and usually he does not. He has gotten remarried and has only seen her 4 or 5 times in the past year. This was his choice, not mine.
Now: My daughter is 3.5 years old and the dad is in jail (and has been for a month) for many charges and they are all very violent and some against his new wife. I found out through my ex's Other (baby mama) that he was in jail. The grandmother was hiding it from me. I finally asked her some questions and she admitted it. She said she had not told me and had not planned to. I feel lied to and like I am nurturing my child's relationship with her grandparents and that they have betrayed me. The grandmother has also gone behind the other mom's back trying to take my ex's older minor daughter to visit the dad in jail. There is solid proof that she is willing to hide stuff from me and that is not how I want to raise my child.
It happens that the night the dad has jail visitation is when my child goes over to the grandmothers house, and I do not want my now 3.5 year old being taken down there or having conversations with him when he has commited so many violent acts.
So I informed the grandmother I did not appreciate her lying to me/withholding information and she pretty much said she is justified and I am a control freak.
I have given the dad many chances to be in his daughters life and he has continuously let her down. Many people wonder why I let her have anything to do with his family but I feel like it is good for my daughter to have a relationship with her paternal grandparents despite the father.
I told the grandmother that I did not want to take my daughter away from them, but she certainly is not going to their house on the same night that the dad has visitation. She has insulted me, lost my trust, and is blaming me now. Says she does not want to "bend to my ways". I just want my child away from an abusive father. If he can be sober and such for a while after he gets out (which might be in a year), then they can build a relationship if he even will, but in the mean time, I do not want my child around that, nor the grandmother influencing the relationship.
It is like she is saying either she gets all she wants and total control over my daughter's relationship with her father (who she makes excuses for), or she is going to play the victim. Now I feel like I have to be the jerk to protect my daughter from her father and his manipulation by limiting the grandparents relationship becase they will not comprimise with me.
Am I wrong?