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#655648 - 08/08/10 03:40 PM I need to talk to someone This is scary..
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
[color:"purple"] [/color] I just signed up for this forum and I need to talk to women who are going through a divorce for the best interest of their family. I am planning on filing in a few weeks and I am scared. i cant talk to him. The conversation will not stay rational. I need someone to talk to. no matter what stage of divorce you are in. I have 2 children 8 and 9, so post to me here or send me a private email. I know what my lawyer says , that doesnt make it less scary though. Like everyone, I just want it to be amicable, if there is such a thing..I am going to read through some of these forums, I hope to hear from any of you. God Bless You
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#655649 - 08/08/10 06:42 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
Wagntail Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 39
Loc: Oregon
B77, hope you're open to hearing from men with experience, as well. Have you answered these questions?
1: Will you live together while the divorce works it's course, or do you need to move out or have him move out?
2: Is he a threat to you or your children now, was he in the past, do you consider him capable of harm?
3: Is he a good parent, regardless of your differences with him?
4: Can you support yourself without him? Can he support himself?
In my situation, my wife was able to get a temporary order for exclusive use of our property and temporary custody, with me getting visitation. This is in effect until our court date sometime in September. She merely had to convince the judge that "tensions were escalating" between us, and that because I had no place to parent my children,(I've been on a relative's couch since June '09), I could not have my 6 & 9 year old girls for overnight visitation.
While my situation has been desparate and painful, (I'm an out of work contractor), I never considered the court order unreasonable or unfair.
If you haven't the means to support yourself and kids on your own, you can motion for temporary use of the home, temporary spousal support, and temporary custody and child support, effective until your case settles or goes to court.
Google the topic "pendente lite" support. This may help ease your worries about surviving the immediate future.
Please don't try to damage the relationship between your stbx and your kids. I'm constantly battling that with my stbx and her mother, and expect to get joint custody or at least 50/50 parenting, despite all the anger and bitterness they have shown. The children are the most important thing to protect throughout this process, and if he's a good parent, the kids will need him in their lives as much as you will. You'll also get better cooperation from him if you don't threaten him with keeping the kids from him. Just my opinion.
I highly recommend finding a divorce support group to join. Airing your thoughts and situation, hearing other's experiences, and having a skilful spiritual guide has really saved my sanity and helped me move in the right direction. Do it early. Hope this helps, and I wish you an easy, smooth transition. WT

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#655650 - 08/08/10 07:14 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: Wagntail]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
Yes, I don't mind speaking to a man. I'm reading this on mobile, so it's going to take a little bit to answer your questions. I realize it takes 2 to make it work or not make it work. So, in my next post, you are basically going to have my Bio. Btw how do you get posts to show up in color
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655651 - 08/08/10 08:44 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
we saved up a lot of money through the yeat and I convinced him that we should use it for a down payment on a home, instead of going out and buying silly stuff for us. I take care of the house and kids fulltime. I get absolutely no help. I have no support here. He works 40 hours a week and he comes home and does nothing with or for the kids. maybe once in a while, he might. He wont take them out anywhere to do anything with them
this house is overwhelming with a lot of bad memories for me and his career is here so it would make sense he should live in the house. My sister has a house many many states awat and she sent me pictures of what is to be my room. Me and my daughter share the room and there is a little alcove off to the side where my son can sleep in privacy This room, just a room in a house in a "no fear" zone, just sounds heavenly. right now, our safe zone is my bedroom, me and the kids spend most our time in here watching movies, playing games talking writing etc..its uncomfortable to go out into the rest of the house. the kids spend a lot of time in here with me trying to avoid trouble we have been living up here isolated for 4 years, we dont have a place to go when it starts to get ugly. I think he is a threat, and I am pretty sure he is a threat to himself we are all emotionally scarred from him and will be spending the next few years in therapy trying to put our family of 3 back together. he thinks lowly of himself and he projects that onto us. He was yelling one day and he used the phrase collectively "you all motherf***ers" The kids heard it. they are 8 and 9 and they have heard me been called the B word long enough he never talks to the kids and apologizes when he treats us like that. He says he is doing 100 times better than his own father that he just doesnt beat their a**es for every little thing. I dont believe in that. Anger Rage and Violence are learned behavior and will continue to the next generation if I dont do something soon. he can support himself. Lawyer told me I can recieve maintenance, and if this is so, I intend on going back to school and starting my life over on a different ground and I will have the ffamily support to help me with the kids. I havent had support with the children in 4 years. He told me when I brought home the college papers that he wouldnt be able to go back to college if I did for another 4 yrs. Since he is more credits closer to a degree, I assented, but he still hasnt gotten around to enrolling
As for the children, He will have the relationship with them that he wants to make happen. He doesnt have much to do with them now and he has every excuse why visitation wont work. time, money, no one to help with kids. I will encourage the kids phone calls letters and emails, but that is between them, I dont want it to have anything to do with me. as for temp maintenance, all of his bills are going to be going down usage utilities food clothing, all the stuff a family uses so he wont be as hurting as it sounds. I intend on charting this out to show to the lawyer
the closest me and him have come to talking about it is he says if I go, I get the car and the my cell phone. hes gonna flip when my lawyer serves the papers and suggests 25% I would like to disappear on that day. I am thinking of flying my kids out right about when papers are served then flying back on my own in time for our maintenance hearing. If I could talk to him, which I cant. I would tell him now is the time to go out and buy that car he has wanted asap before our assets get frozen.
In reality, the only thing i want to ask for is maintenance to help me get my life back on track going to school. My car, and in the end proceedings, just 1/2 the equity on the home we bought together and I spent years landscaping, working on the inside, doing what I could to up the value. In the end, it sounds like he gets everything. Im just thinking of letting my lawyer tell me what I am entitled to before making any decisions. In the end, I just want my kids to be safe in all ways..
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655652 - 08/08/10 09:00 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: Wagntail]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
Quote:
B77, hope you're open to hearing from men with experience, as well. Have you answered these questions?
1: Will you live together while the divorce works it's course, or do you need to move out or have him move out?
2: Is he a threat to you or your children now, was he in the past, do you consider him capable of harm?
3: Is he a good parent, regardless of your differences with him?
4: Can you support yourself without him? Can he support himself?
In my situation, my wife was able to get a temporary order for exclusive use of our property and temporary custody, with me getting visitation. This is in effect until our court date sometime in September. She merely had to convince the judge that "tensions were escalating" between us, and that because I had no place to parent my children,(I've been on a relative's couch since June '09), I could not have my 6 & 9 year old girls for overnight visitation.
While my situation has been desparate and painful, (I'm an out of work contractor), I never considered the court order unreasonable or unfair.
If you haven't the means to support yourself and kids on your own, you can motion for temporary use of the home, temporary spousal support, and temporary custody and child support, effective until your case settles or goes to court.
Google the topic "pendente lite" support. This may help ease your worries about surviving the immediate future.
Please don't try to damage the relationship between your stbx and your kids. I'm constantly battling that with my stbx and her mother, and expect to get joint custody or at least 50/50 parenting, despite all the anger and bitterness they have shown. The children are the most important thing to protect throughout this process, and if he's a good parent, the kids will need him in their lives as much as you will. You'll also get better cooperation from him if you don't threaten him with keeping the kids from him. Just my opinion.
I highly recommend finding a divorce support group to join. Airing your thoughts and situation, hearing other's experiences, and having a skilful spiritual guide has really saved my sanity and helped me move in the right direction. Do it early. Hope this helps, and I wish you an easy, smooth transition. WT


[color:"red"] [/color] I apologize for some of our gender..Some people just sound evil. My children would be so blessed if they had a father who wanted to spend time with them. I envy those people, and I know my kids feel cheated too. I certainly do. I promised to do better by them and up till now, I am failing them miserably. Evil does not prosper. My fingers are crossed for you getting a judge to see through the BS. Everyone who wants to be a loving father, deserves that right, as well as every child deserves to have a loving involved father.. [color:"red"] [/color]
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655653 - 08/08/10 11:00 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
Wagntail Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 39
Loc: Oregon
Thanx for being openminded, B77. I feel I've learned alot, and made miles of progress, by joining this site.
Yes, find out what awards are typical in your state. You'll probably have a good chance at keeping the home, getting enough maintenance or transitional support, (alimony), to afford the mortagage and utilities, and getting child support based upon the parenting time percentages. Fathers who don't fight for more typically get one weekday evening and alternate weekends, and I think that's considered 25%/75%. You're also probably entitled to half of all investments, savings, retirement plans, insurance policies, etc. Don't give away the farm trying to be nice to him. This is more of a business transaction than an emotional one.
Once you understand what awards are typical, prepare a motion for pendente lite support, temporary exclusive use of your home, and a temporary custody order. My wife got the judge to remove me from my home on nothing more than the idea that "tensions are escalating". You'll get a hearing to voice your fears and concerns, and I think you'll be successful in getting the judge to make him move out. (If your stbx's income is generated in the home, and can't reasonably be relocated, you'll need to find an alternative. I was granted 35hrs per week at my workshop on our property, but it's not working out well). You need to create a safe, stable environment for your children and yourself. Do NOT take them out of state or hide them in any way. You can move into temporary housing, (friends, relatives, shelter), but don't try to hide them or change their school district before bringing this before the court. Your lawyer (or even courthouse clerk), should be able to tell you how long it will take to get the hearing on your temporary motions. Believe me, the courts will try to keep your children in the family home while the divorce makes it's way through the system. You've got hope!

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#655654 - 08/09/10 12:34 AM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: Wagntail]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
that sounds the opposite of my plan, I dont want him to move out, because I am the one who dont want to live in this house and i dont want to screw anyone. he is my sons father, but was never put on the bc and later on, he didnt want to. I think he feared child support, so that isnt the issue. he has no legal rights with the children. the kids wont even show up on paper in this divorce. i will not take away their relationship though, but there will be no child support or custody battle. we dont want this family home. we want to go be with family. there is no future for me here and I and the kids are isolated. you talked about support groups. this place is so small and everything is within a long driving distance, there are no support groups for anything around here. no extracurricular activities for my kids. this kind of stuff is on my wishlist. the things I can give them when we get to a place where there are resources to live our dreams I need to check out the tern pendente lite support, however..writing it down. I found a file on a thumb drive while I was looking for something else, that has all his pay websites 401k sites and any other money invveested website, complete with the passwords so I copied it to my computer and I am going to send it to a safe place, so now, discovery wont be so hard. i thought all I had to go by was the bank account, but now I have access to all of our information accounts pay etc..
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655655 - 08/09/10 02:14 AM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
Wagntail Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 39
Loc: Oregon
You've done some good groundwork, B77. Your lawyer will be able to tell you what a good settlement offer will be in regards to the retirement and savings, equity in the house, etc. Just don't walk away from anything, simply get this over with.
Sorry you're so isolated. You should voice some of your concerns about your safety in the Women's Rights forum.
I hate to give you bad news, but you'll be doing all your divorce in your home state. Ask your lawyer about needing to get your children and yourself out of the house. I can understand why you don't want to be there anymore. Offering to relinquish the house to him will be a great bargaining chip in the property division. You'll need to get the temporary support I mentioned to get a small place for you and the kids while going through the divorce. Your lawyer will know how much to ask for. Maybe find a place in a nearby larger town, like the one where your county courthouse is located. You can move the kids up to 60 miles, (I believe), without causing problems with the court. Do you have access to the savings account you thought might work for a downpayment on a home? Ask your lawyer, but I believe you could remove exactly half of that amount to use to get yourself out of his house. Once you file for divorce, you might not be able to use any of that for current needs.

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#655656 - 08/09/10 06:00 AM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: Wagntail]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
If I leave after the preliminary hearing. There shouldn't be a problem. They are MY kids legally so there should be no penalty for sending them away. The lawyer can deal with it unless I need to make an appearance. This could take up to 2 years to decide all this division, but wouldn't they see I'd be better off with a supporting family? And not isolated here? Like I said, I could take my kids to Egypt right now or 5 yrs down the road. It's completely legal. They shouldn't even come up in this divorce I and I alone are responsible fir them, he never adopted then. I really can't imagine being stuck here.. : (
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655657 - 08/09/10 09:20 AM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
Wagntail Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 39
Loc: Oregon
You're probably right. Shouldn't be a problem with you taking the kids. I don't have experience to help much more with your situation. I'm glad you can talk to a lawyer. I've been on my own through my ordeal, and probably haven't been very smart about it. Do what you feel to be best for your children and yourself. Don't fear the future, just take the steps you need to now and get the process started.
Take care, and good luck.

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#655658 - 08/09/10 11:59 AM Not possible or legal... [Re: brendam77]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
The kids WILL show up on paper. He IS the father whether on the BC or not. You're "married". That makes him the father legally and since children are born of the marriage, the courts will decide that they show up on the paperwork. Have to. Otherwise, neither of you have any more rights than the other to the kids.
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#655659 - 08/09/10 12:02 PM Clarify this... [Re: brendam77]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
You say he didn't "adopt" and you say he didn't want "put on the bc". Were the kids born into the marriage? If so, he's the father. Doesn't have to adopt. If not, then no, he has no rights to the kids. But everything you're saying about child support and custody battles...sounds to me like he's really their dad, whether on the BC or not. And he's automatically dad...whether on the BC or not.
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#655660 - 08/09/10 03:06 PM Re: Clarify this... [Re: almostheaven]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
The children are older than the marriage. He is on paper as stepfather.. He doesn't want to take care of the kids anyway. He comes up with every reason for why he can't handle the kids on his own..
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655661 - 08/09/10 03:16 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: Wagntail]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
Well wag. I talked to a lawyer a year ago. For a $35 consult. i told him everything He told me everything. I broke down cried in the office. Of course there were tissues there
(. And this is before things got so bad that the kids heard him call them mfs. I can't get the look on their faces out of my mind when that happened)
I went to pull out my checkbook and he said " don't worry about the fee". I don't know if he thought I was gonna follow through or was wasting his time. Why waive the fee?
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655662 - 08/10/10 07:24 AM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
Wagntail Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 39
Loc: Oregon
Is he the biological father of either child? If so, what AlmostHeaven said is true, and you can't move the kids more than 60 miles, for now. I think you need to get them and yourself out of that environment. Can you get access to half your savings? If so, do it now and do it fast. Put it into an account under your name only. That should cover your immediate needs and the cost of a lawyer. Find a place and get into it before school starts. It seems to me that you know this is what you need to do, but it's a hard jump to make. Do it now, do it quickly, and don't break any laws.
You need to file divorce papers ASAP, and get in that motion for pre-trial support. If he's BF to either child, get pre-trial CS started as well.
Don't expect this to be amicable. I know that's how you wish it to be, but I think you're dreaming. How long were you married and/or cohabitating? You're entitled to 1/2 the value of all assets, including retirement and home equity, and support for basically half as long as you were married for. Get it. You'll need everything you can get to start your new life. Your children deserve it, and you do, too. Don't even feel guilty or mean about taking what you are entitled to. It's business, lady. You need to look out for your children and yourself.

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#655663 - 08/11/10 05:06 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
msycle Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 24
The best thing you can do is join a local divorce group. I am a father and joined one 6 months after my divorce. I could of kicked myself for not doing it sooner. I would not have had all the attorney problems if I would have done it sooner. also everyone will greet you with open arms. this is a very tramatic experience so you need support. hope I can be of some help. God Bless!

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#655664 - 08/11/10 09:24 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: Wagntail]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
it just got scarier . He said kids start school on monday and I told him I didnt want them to go to school here. i wanted to take them to a "safe zone" he is very angry, accusing me of planning things and not talking to him about it. i told him I have been scared to talk to him. there was never a right time where things havent been irrational lately. he threatened in a lot of ways such as quitting job stop paying on car, disconnecting my phone. i told him I dont want the kids here with hostile tension and i did want to talk before going to the lawyer. now, i dont know why, i dont feel safe. he is on his way home and we have to continue this discussion. i dont have a place for my kids to go so they dont have to witness or hear this. its going to get irrational. i can already tell with all he is threatening. I didnt threaten anything. i just said, why do you think women go through lawyers to take care of this, he said, cause their [censored]..I said, maybe its fear, like the fear I am feeling now. They are scared just like I am now. I feel intimidated scared and no safe place I want to leave now and file later..
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655665 - 08/13/10 06:00 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
Things are calm. We have to cease and desist everything right now. Bad timing but my kids bdays are on Saturday and Sunday. No fighting right now but I need to put kids in school Monday and go back to plan separation ahead..ironically our 7 year anniversary is next week, also
_________________________
My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655666 - 08/17/10 06:09 PM Re: I need to talk to someone This is scary.. [Re: brendam77]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
kids are back in school. I have to pick up on physical therapy and work through some of this before i can take any more steps. he made a scene on the kids bday yelling at all of us as they were about to open presents because we interrupted his tv..which could be paused. me and the kids just took the opening presents and cards into the bedroom, safe zone, alone. I videoed it. a few hours later he wanted to sit down and talk reasonably about me leaving and helping. i dont know if what he did with the kids bday hit him, but he stopped throwing threats, I told him it was Seans Bday and I didnt want to talk about it that day. I think he actually did his research. he offered me the savings account to leave and start over. i havent said yes. he really knows now that the 25% is a possibilility and really wants to know if I am planning on hiring on a lawyer and when I am leaving. He wants to know if we can work out all the conditions ourselves. present our own case. i told him maybe, but if it gets irrational or unfair, then I am retaining. he says me and the kids can live here as long as we need to and he isnt kicking us out, but he doesnt want to go through lawyers. I told him whether we did with lawyers or not, we would need a mediator. something tells me to get the lawyer, but now he is trying to be amicable. im not after half his retirement, income, va, etc. I am just asking for a little security. I havent made progress with anything, from stomach flu to insomnia, I couldnt even manage packing a suitcase right now. I think he is over the shock though and i told him there arent going to be any surprises. he isnt going to come home one day and find us all gone, that we will plan what is best for everyone. kids being in school, cps cant come for me for not putting them in.and I dont have to worry about having the kids to school in another state by the 24th. I did tell the school I am separated and there is no way i can pay the tuition book fee when I dont even think we will be here a few months.. now, i need to figure out the next step.
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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#655667 - 08/18/10 05:27 PM ARE YOU FOND IN RELOCATING YOURSELF ABROAD? *DELETED* [Re: Wagntail]
mollotutto Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/18/10
Posts: 1
Post deleted by dsAdmin

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#655668 - 08/19/10 01:24 AM Re: ARE YOU FOND IN RELOCATING YOURSELF ABROAD? [Re: mollotutto]
brendam77 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/08/10
Posts: 17
You a troll? No thank you!
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My Mission..To Love, Live, and Laugh for a Lifetime..

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