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#671695 - 10/17/10 05:23 PM Taking away rights of grandparents
slcota Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/17/10
Posts: 2
Ok.. I am still fumming over this.. but need other peoples point of view. First, lets start with my marriage. My ex was mentally, verbally, and then at the end physically abusive. It all ended on a day he assualted me and threatened to kill me. His mother knew of ongoing issues in our marriage, virtually from the time we were first married. She always talked to me, and listened and supported me. Even telling me once that if I left him I would always have a home with them for myself and my children. Fast forward to the day I had him arrested.. Well.. lets just say blood is thicker than water. Anyway, its been over 3 years now, he lied to them and told them I did it because i was cheating and just wanted out of the marriage. Which is NOT true. Fast forward to today, our kids are 5 and 6. She was just here visiting for a week, and I let the kids stay with him the whole week while she was here. I am not the kind of woman to take anyone that loves them out of my kids lives. Well, they came home this morning, and the first thing out of my sons mouth.. "grandma said you called the police and lied to them about dad"... FIRST.. she never liked me, was always critical and mean to me.. SECONDLY.. their father and I have done all we can to protect them from any of that mess that happened. He and I have worked hard to get where we are today, civil for the childrens sake. We help each other out, and can be considered "friends". The abuse stoped after I showed him I was serious and wouldnt deal with it anymore.... He went to work on Friday and left the kids with her for the day, and thats when this happened- she was alone with them. I am so furious! I called their dad to confront him about it, and he told me that he and his mom got into an arguement over it, because he told her she will never talk about me like that in front of the kids again. What I want to know.. if I found out she does this again, could I petition the courts to have her only get supervised visitation?? My kids knew NOTHING that happened back then.. they were just babies. But now they have questions about things, they are just to young to know about. PLUS.. she is trying to make them distrust me, and dislike me. What can I do?? Its taking all I have to NOT call her and rip her apart and tell her she will NEVER see the kids again. His father I know would never put my children in this sort of situation.. but his mother is going to ruin it for both of them. What do I do??

#671696 - 10/18/10 07:49 PM Re: Taking away rights of grandparents [Re: slcota]
palmel1234 Offline


Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 93
Your ex-MIL has NO visitation, your ex has the visitation.

Do you have first right of refusal in your custody order? Basically, if your ex is unable to watch the kids for more than a certain amount of time (I think it's 4 hours)
then you get to have the kids back. That would include his mother watching the kids.

#671697 - 10/19/10 12:33 PM Re: Taking away rights of grandparents [Re: palmel1234]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
I believe it's your ex husband's call......if you don't have a ROFR he can let his mom watch the kids. Luckily he supported you on this one.....hope he will continue that by limiting her visitation if she's tempted to pull anything like that again.

#671698 - 11/07/10 02:10 PM Re: Taking away rights of grandparents [Re: slcota]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
It doesn't sound like she needs a ROFR. The grandma was VISITING her son, which tells me she doesn't live nearby, and it wasn't his parenting time. She agreed to let the kids go for the week since grandma was visiting. Not to mention it sounds as if her X was in agreement with her and had already handled the situation before she knew about it. I say kudos to him.

As was already stated GM doesn't HAVE visitation so no you can't go to court and make sure it's supervised. They have a father who is on the same page as you and that's a huge bonus. your kids are going to hear things you don't want them to hear. You can't keep every person from their lives who might tell them something you don't want them to hear. Instead of flying off the handle work with your x, as you are BOTH the kids parents.

If that doesn't work you could look into modifying your CO to include that they can not be left alone in her care, but it's not something you'd take HER to court over. You'd also want to weigh the pros and cons of that. If she lives far enough away that she has to come visit for a week is it finacially sensible to take your x back to court over it?
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

#671699 - 10/11/11 06:48 AM Re: Taking away rights of grandparents [Re: Debi]
Max71 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/28/11
Posts: 14
What the grandmother told the children was likely a result of what your ex told her. As you were angered by what your children were told and felt a need to set the record straight, she likely felt the same thing you did, but without the benefit of the truth on her side. She's very likely been lied to for the sake of saving face on his part. What tends to happen with these situations is it can become a battle very quickly where everybody is fighting for the understanding the children have of the situation. Nobody wants to have the children turned against them. You're feeling the pressure from that, as is grandma. What everybody is missing is the point the children shouldn't ever be part of this to begin with.

You're very much on the right track with the idea of allowing visitation. To be commended, no doubt... however... This problem needs to be fixed for the sake of the children. Find your calm and call up grandmother. Invite her to talk about all of this face to face. Agree not to subject the children to this tug of war, be it real or perceived... The bottom line... If you can get on the same page with grandma, you can have an advocate and not an enemy. Things went badly before and it's time that got left in the past. Sure, you can fight with her in court and she can fight you back and it will only leave a trail of blackness. Make no mistake. The blackness will find your children and it will effect them. Finding a common ground with her is the right thing to do and it's the only thing to do if you want the best outcome with the kids. You all want the same thing. You love the children fiercely and you will do anything to ensure their well being. That's a common ground with an awesome potential for good. Use it.

I hope the best for all of you.


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