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#701989 - 02/14/11 12:38 PM Scared and need some advice...
disastrousme Offline

recently joined

Registered: 02/14/11
Posts: 1
Hi everyone, Im new here and could really use some advice. I will do my best not to write a novel here.

Ive been married for nearly 9 years. We have 1 child together and I have 1 child from a previous relationship. We have separated before (although not legally) for six months and then got back together. Its been a few years since we got back together and our marriage has been horrible the whole time. We both seem to have our reasons for staying even though we are both extremely unhappy, but lately he has really been pushing the issue of divorce. My issue is this...Ive always been a stay at home mom. I dont have a college degree and basically im scared to death to try and take care of my kids on my own. He pretty much has control of everything. He has money that he keeps hidden from me in bank accounts that I dont have access to. I have a feeling he is going to make this has hard as he can on me. I know he will have to pay child support for our daughter, but he has even threatened to quit his job or get a less paying job so he wont have to pay me as much.(He makes alot of money right now). He has so much hate and resentment towards me that Im afraid there is no way hes going to just let this go peacefully. I cant stop him from filing for a divorce, but can someone give me some advice on how to go about this without me ending up with nowhere to live or ending up losing my daughter because I cant support her. We also just purchased a house back in April (we live in NC) so, what will happen with that issue? I dont want the house, since of course I wont be able to pay the mortgage on it, but also dont want to end up screwing myself over. Since Im new to all of this I just dont know what to do, what my rights are and where I should begin. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.

#701990 - 02/25/11 03:33 PM Re: Scared and need some advice... [Re: disastrousme]
debra9591 Offline


Registered: 01/23/11
Posts: 49
You need to talk to an attorney asap. If he is still living in the home with you he can't file for divorce until the 2 of you have been living apart for a full year.

#701991 - 07/04/14 09:50 PM Re: Scared and need some advice... [Re: debra9591]
cupidsgym1 Offline

Registered: 07/26/07
Posts: 77
Concurring with the previous response, he can't file for divorce in that you are not separated and have not been so for a year and a day (per NC law). If he wants to get started early, yes, he could just take a lower paying job and you could suggest very simply how that is kind of stupid for one thing, as it's going to make life together even more stressed with less income. But then, the court may quite possibly average his income over a period of years of having been employed. So, you'll have to stay together for a while for him to realize that lower figure from which to figure his support in the event of divorce. That is, child support and spousal support. Now if you can truly document infidelity on his part, then you may add alimony to that figure. I figure he'll be careful with that. And you had better be damn sure YOU don't stray all through this or you're toast.
Staying together for all the wrong reasons doesn't work, including the notion that you are maintaining a seemingly stable family environment for a child(ren). They know that things have gone to hell by now, don't kid yourself. You cannot leave having no income. He won't leave unless forced to or if he has a main squeeze and a crib waiting for him and an excuse to call it other than what it really is. But if he DID leave, you could officially declare separation (abandonment) and petition the court (pro se - on your own with no attorney) for post-separation spousal support sufficient to pay the mortgage and the bills and buy food for you and your child(ren). Again, he won't want to incur that kind of added expense, so he is more than apt to stay and just make you more and more miserable so that you leave (abandon) the marriage and become the bad guy.
Now if you happened to get into a really loud argument one night when the windows were open for that nice evening breeze and the ability for the neighbors to hear whassup, and you just happened to push the right button that made him grab your arm sufficient to bruise you while he told all that good garbage about who wears the pants in the family yadda yadda yadda, and you struggled to get free and the bruising sunk in and when he let go, you inadvertently slammed into a nearby door casing, it'd probably give you a nosebleed. Heck, it'd probably be more like he hit you, didn't he? If that just happened to happen, you'd best drop the dime on the SOB (that means call 9-1-1 ) and have him arrested. Or your neighbor may have already called to see what the violent struggle next door is all about, right? Get treated at an urgent care or an ER and have the injuries documented. Then go to the court the very next morning, ask where you can stand in line and demand at least a temporary restraining order and have him legally removed from the house. You can upgrade to an extended restraining order later. This begins the separation. Now, he owes YOU a living. While he's gone, you may want to pack up move the kids and yourself into a smaller nicer place to rent nearer friends or family IN THE STATE if the house is really that sucky Have a friend put you up for a little while so you can get up the money for a couple months rent at a little place of your own. You can work out visitation later.
If your husband happens to own a gun, really, all you need to do is have that argument, let him know there are at least a dozen other guys who are waiting to treat you a whole lot better than he does (that'll really piss him off) and then call 9-1-1 and report it if he pointed that gun at you in anger. That'll work too. When it comes to firearms, he-said-she-said comes out in your favor if it's his gun. Of course, if he IS stupid, he may get that gun and indeed point it at you and shoot you. It's risky challenging a guy's masculinity... I'm getting this directly from a cop who knows how it works.
Justice truly IS blind and as they say in court, lex non curat - the law does not notice. My ex pulled this same stuff with me and it worked for her, so I speak with experience from the receiving end. Oh, but if he happens to be out here on this site checking for advice for himself or is monitoring what you are up to, then all bets are off. Understand?

#701992 - 07/04/14 09:51 PM Re: Scared and need some advice... [Re: cupidsgym1]
cupidsgym1 Offline

Registered: 07/26/07
Posts: 77
Oh, darn... too late.


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