Is it possible that she separated for the purpose of "trying out" this other man while keeping you on the sidelines in case it didn't work? Past lovers don't belong in a relationship. The way I see it, you got walked all over. If you reward that behavior by sucking up to her, it's not going to help your marriage. You both have to be willing to commit to your marriage completely or there isn't much point in dragging it out, in my opinion. Sure. Be the best person you can be, but don't get walked on. There's nothing wrong with telling her, "Sure, I'll work on it if you're going to give it 100% and ditch your ex-lover, but I'm really not interested in working on our marriage when you're keeping a lover on the side if it doesn't work out."