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#724534 - 07/09/11 09:12 AM Absent but controlling husband - advice please
SuZqZ Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/09/11
Posts: 2
Loc: SoCal, USA
I've been married over 23 years, but for the majority of that time my husband has been absent due to his job (overseas for about 12 years now and numerous long-term assignments throughout). I've raised our children and they are successful young adults. I've taken care of the house, cars, banking, etc., but feel I basically did it as a single mother. I never signed up for this, but I did my best.

Now that my children are grown, I am so lonely I can't hardly stand my life. To be honest, several years ago, I met someone who was kind, attentive and affectionate. At that time, I flat-out told my husband that he could either come home to work on our marriage or that I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't care what I did, but would make my life a living hell if I divorced him. He definitely has the means to do that. His job has ALWAYS come first. He has always provided for us financially, but has just never been here for our day-to-day lives. The other part is that when he takes his "leaves" to come home (typically about 3 times a year), he feels entitled to make plans for all of us unilaterally - even though we all have our own lives. I mean we don't all just live in limbo until he decides to let us out of the "boxes" he seems to think we exist in. We have to live somehow for crying out loud. This doesn't seem to occur to him.

I've come to the end of my rope. I never wanted to cheat on him and still feel guilty about it, but believe that marriage should include companionship. Besides, no one wants to be involved with a married person and shouldn't have to be. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last. I want my freedom if only for the fact that it's much worse feeling lonely while married than being lonely while single. It leaves me no options to pursue a possible loving relationship and a companion. At this point in my life (I'm not getting any younger), I sincerely believe that finding someone I can spend whatever time I have left is a longshot to say the least. But I crave companionship and am at least hopeful if I can ever get out of this mess. Not feeling trapped and beholden to this man would still be better than the existence I endure now. Sadly, even suicide is never far from my mind at this point although I would never, ever,  resort to such a selfish act.

I offered to split everything 65-35 in his favor if he would just pay my health insurance. His response is that he wants ALL his retirement, wants to "give" me the house (which I cannot afford the upkeep on), and that he will never agree to any mediation but rather wants to spend (doubtless) tens of thousands of dollars fighting me in court.

The threat here is that this money HE wants to spend on endless court battles will no longer be able to go to our children's education and I can't help feeling that it will be all my fault when they end up owing student loans for possibly decades to come. We agreed many years ago that that was one thing we wanted our children to be able to avoid if at all possible, and so far this has thankfully been the case.

The main problem is that I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that my children will resent me for this (not merely the divorce - which I think they understand but this promise that was made to them about their educations).

Virtually NO ONE in my family has ever been divorced and this preys upon me as well.

I could go on and on. The bottom line is that I've stayed married to him mainly for the sake of my children and their futures, but I believe I am entitled to some type of misery-free future as well.

He also has me convinced at this point that I am simply unloveable since I am so "ungrateful" to him for continuing to financially support us all these years. Maybe I am - but I do have hope that this is not true, however little.

So...Do I just grit my teeth and file and let the chips fall where they may?

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I'd just really appreciate some input, advice, support - whatever.

Sorry this was so long. It's just a very odd arrangement and no one seems to understand.

Thanks in advance...
~*~ SuZ ~*~

#724535 - 07/09/11 11:22 PM Re: Absent but controlling husband - advice please [Re: SuZqZ]
SuZqZ Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/09/11
Posts: 2
Loc: SoCal, USA
Sorry for mostly venting. I guess I probably posted this (maybe even in the wrong forum) without getting to my real point. My apologies.

Question: is there some kind of law in Calif or maybe in Nevada (we were actually married in Las Vegas) about being deprived of companionship (can't think of the legal term) that could speed up my divorce or otherwise work to my advantage?

Thanks for your advice and patience.

I mean this is hardly a conventional marriage and the one lawyer I spoke to said I can't claim abandonment since he has provided financial support throughout this nightmare.

Thanks for your patience. Sometimes the end of the rope includes general gripes and I'm new here.
~*~ SuZ ~*~

#724536 - 07/10/11 06:45 PM Re: Absent but controlling husband - advice please [Re: SuZqZ]
DedicatedDad Offline

Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
All states have no fault divorce. It's the quickest way. Using fault is possible, but the end settlement is the same except it is expensive to prove fault, thus you lose money to attorneys.

#724537 - 07/18/11 06:54 PM Re: Absent but controlling husband - advice please [Re: DedicatedDad]
annatof4 Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 125
IMO, it wouldnt be best to prove fault. I would just simply file for the divorce. If he "gives" you the house, sell it. Use whatever you can to help your children and settle yourself. If getting out is going to make you happy....then so be it, do it! Your children are adults now, they can fend for themselves. Plus you could get federal assistance being a single parent.

#724538 - 07/28/11 03:54 PM Re: Absent but controlling husband - advice please [Re: annatof4]
Jadita Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/28/11
Posts: 3
If things are tough now, they are not going to get any better. One day your kids will move permanently out of your house while you and your husband will be left there to face each other 24/7. Can you live with that? If love, respect and admiration are already gone I don't see how this can be turned around. I think emotionally you are ready for a divorce; take the house and whatever else he gives you, sell the things that don't fit the new realities and start building your life.

#724539 - 10/27/11 12:47 AM Re: Absent but controlling husband - advice please [Re: Jadita]
mystuff Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 9
I'm new to the forum. Have no idea if I will get any help or information that would pertain to my situation but your subject line just jumped out at me. Even tho it is an older post I figured Id reply to share. I have no idea what will happen in your case. I know State laws determine many things. I am an older woman, been with the same man for 42 years, married to him for 35 of them. He too was absent but he was always local. It was always his job or his hobby that kept him involved with other things. We had good times for a few years - most do. We have both changed. Ive grown up..he is still immature but not nice. Make sense? Maybe it was always like that but I just never noticed when we were younger. Someone mentioned to you about retiring and you being with your spouse for 24-7...well that is where I am now and it is sheer hell. It was so better when he had his world and left me alone. Now he is just an irritant. Sad. I hate to have it this way but he really is not interested in ANY sort of relationship with me..he services me by driving me around to places I cant get to. We rarely speak on a daily basis..he stays in one part of the house, Im in the other. He does not accompany me to family events (my only social life now) so basically we are living our two lives APART in the same house. I want my own place...even if it is on GOLDEN POND :) - I dont care if we divorce..Id never hook up with anyone ever again..just me and my dogs now. I just do not want the constant battles, controlling nature, pushiness that borders on violence at times...I have to question what this is all about and how its going to end. We own several properties...he wont sell...i wont sell...he wants all the money for having maintained them, even tho I paid for half..its just a no win situation..I really do feel that at times PEACE is the only answer..and Im never going to get htat here...I hope things turned out better for you. Stay well.

#724540 - 11/06/11 08:33 PM Re: Absent but controlling husband - advice please [Re: SuZqZ]
Gecko Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 20602
Loc: Third rock from the sun
Question: is there some kind of law in Calif or maybe in Nevada (we were actually married in Las Vegas) about being deprived of companionship (can't think of the legal term) that could speed up my divorce or otherwise work to my advantage?

---> First of all, where you were married has no bearing, only the state that you currently have legal residence...which I am guessing from your statement is California.

--->, you can't sue for being 'deprived on companionship'; mainly because you admit that you have been so the majority of your 23+ marriage. In other's a little late to being complaining.

---> However, you can file for 'irreconcilable differences'; in fact, California is the original 'no fault' divorce state. It's also a community property state and given 'equitable distribution' laws...settling for 35% when you're been a 'homemaker' for 23+ years is stupid.

---> The first thing you need to do, AFTER you make copies of all financial records and important documnets and place the originals in a safety deposit box is consult with an attorney...consult with two in fact. Make sure you consult with attorneys who specialize in Family can check the State Bar for a list. You will also want to contact all three credit bureaus and get a copy of your credit report.

---> You then need to sit down and make a list of all your known assets and liabilities. Make a spreadsheet:

Item Value Husband Wife

---> Once you have a total...then pick what you want and put that value in your 'wife' column until your 'wife' total is half the value of the grand total. Now there may be things that you don't want and so you come up 'short'...that's ok...items can be sold.

---> Having him keep all his retirement in exchange for the marital home is not a problem so long as the net proceeds to be realized when you sell the home is of equal value.

---> If the 'children' are under 21 AND ya'll are already paying for their education, the courts can order that ya'll continue to pay for their education. But know that any education beyond age 21 cannot be legally ordered.

---> And if your 'children' choose to continue their education beyond age 21, that is THEIR choice to make and no reason for you to feel 'guilty' about it.

I never wanted to cheat on him and still feel guilty about it, but believe that marriage should include companionship.

---> I'm glad to hear that you feel guilty because what you did, no matter how you try to justify it (which is what you are trying to do), is wrong.
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!


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