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#728375 - 08/19/11 08:35 AM Separation
tdymadison Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/18/11
Posts: 3
My wife and I are in the process of getting separated. We have been married 3 years and have been together a total of 4. We in fact have never lived apart as we meet as college roommates in grad school. The marriage has been rocky with us both making mistakes. Recently a great deal of stress was due to my job that required long hours, 80-100 hours a week, no exaggeration and then she took an educational trip to Europe which we completely depleted out savings to fund and she overspent significantly which reached the point where I actually considered canceling her cards, but I didn't because i would have left her stranded with no money at all and after the massive occurrence she improved her spending, or at least stopped using the joint credit card as she has one in her name only. While she was gone there communication issues such as buying a plane ticket without discussing it with me and throwing us into a minor financial crisis and some indiscretions, like flirting with guys at bars for free drinks and one of them kissing her (she called me crying over that one) and a possible affair with a guy she met there (no hard evidence, but a lot of circumstantial and several lies). I probably did not make matters better as I completely flipped out over everything I was already stressed out due to my job and was missing my wife. As soon as she returned she stated she wants a separation, but wants to work on the marriage. When asked why, she said thats how she feels, but she was unable to say what here reasons were and why she felt that way. I told her I felt that separation was premature and asked for 1 month for her to decide while we went to therapy. She says it will be too stressful as she is working on her PhD and refused to wait one month, I thought waiting was a wise course as we have been apart for so long. At the same time she says she wants to work on the marriage and that she loves me. She reluctantly agreed to marriage counseling. I don't know what to do, I'm scrambling for a new place to live (can't afford the current one with her gone) and am recently unemployed and she accrued so much credit card debt that our savings is essentially gone. We are going on dates and doing stuff together, but with her moving out almost impulsively and with us deep in credit card debt that she accrued I feel like she's going through the motions as we are collectively paying off her tab and that as soon its paid off she'll divorce me. I know she is still in contact with the European guy and has claimed that he is just a friend, even after I aired my suspicions. I really want to fix the marriage, even with all of the problems I don't want to give up without trying as I love her, but I don't want to devote all that time and effort into something that she has already decided to give up on. We moved to our current city for her schooling, i have zero connections here and i have opportunities elsewhere, but it would require relocation, she has encourage me to do that, but I refuse to as long we are working on our marriage, as it would mean leaving her behind.

Edited by tdymadison (08/19/11 08:51 AM)

#728376 - 08/20/11 03:06 PM Re: Separation [Re: tdymadison]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Sorry you are going through this.

As long as that other guy is still in your wife's life, it will probably be very hard "to save" the marriage.

When two people are in a committed relationship they are comitted to each other and work together towards their common goals. All of us need to try to remember when we had that usually in the beginning of when you met your partner..some are lucky they continue to have a good thriving relationship. Some of us don't can try to save this marriage but it seems she does not want to and wants out.

You can try to save it, knowing you did your best but you do need to have a backup plan just in case. Expect the worst but hope for the best.

Cheating whether physical or emotional or email is a deal breaker for me. My LTM ended because my X was cheating ... had I known it, I would have ended it much sooner.

I have now been in a relationship with someone who is committed to me (at least for the moment...) and its very deserve that...all of us do...if she wants to end the marriage, then it may be better to put your energies in letting her go and moving on with your life.

Its sad, its hard but it it isn't working and you are unhappy then you will need to decide what to do.

Good luck.

#728377 - 08/20/11 04:30 PM Re: Separation [Re: Annie7676]
tdymadison Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/18/11
Posts: 3
I've been trying to figure out how to address the issue of the other guy. The marriage will not survive if she is trying to fix while pursuing something else. Right now i question her commitment, not just because of the guy, i may be wrong on that, but she is obsessed with the idea of Europe I think she is more committed to moving there than she is to me. If she is truly committed to fixing the marriage she must be willing to put us first.

#728378 - 08/21/11 06:43 AM Re: Separation [Re: tdymadison]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Annie.....Yay ! Good for you !

TDY.....You've got a few MAJOR areas of concern. The European guy and your wife's possible desire to live in Europe are issues you are guessing about. I'm not saying to ignore those issues, but I would start with focusing on what you do know with certainty....You have vastly different values concerning money. That alone could lead to a miserable life together.

Money fights are a big deal in marriage and a major cause for divorce. Maybe it was hard to tell that you had such different values when you first got toghether because you were both ramen noodle grad students, but now you are getting a glimpse of what the rest of your life might be like. Think long and hard about if you can really deal with that. Even her decision that you must live seperately while she figures out what she wants is costing you more money. That doesn't sound like someone who is willing to consider your needs at all.

Give some thought to how much more debt she could run up in the next few years. The only way to not share half of it is to stop the ticker by divorcing. Sorry to be blunt, but I'd also consider that her chances of alimony are less now, while you are unemployed too.


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