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#730368 - 09/08/11 01:39 PM What to do?
seven Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 8
I'll try to cut a long story short to get to the meat;

We have been married for over 25years with two boys, 8 & 26.
Years ago my wife cheated, we ended up seperating for 3 years with no agreements or anything...just seperated. The oldest son was about 12 or so & he stayed with me. She calls out of the blue & says she wants to come back home, we end up back together & actually have another child. 11 years go by, we are now at the present time. It became clear to me...(seems like I just grew up over night or something) that I was still holding a grudge against her for cheating, its evident that I waited to long to grow out of it. Things were going great though, we were intimate like never before, everynight. So I wrote her a letter, I was trying to...I guess in my own strange way trying to be romantic...well not really so much romantic but honest about the past. Said in the letter that I was sorry for treating her like crap for 11 years...not that I actually treated her like crap, but that day I realized what damage holding that grudge has done for us made me realize what I was missing, I wanted to get close to her again. But the letter threw her for a loop, it will never be the same, she said one of us needs to move out. Coupe days go by & we kinda chill, have sex...then get depressed again & fall back into the funk. I got into deep depression & contacted a counselor seeking marrage help, I guess the counselor read my tone & suggested I come for a couple sessions alone to work on my current depression, I went for two, then she went for one alone...we start going together this weekend. I asked the counselor how it works & stuff, he said he would determine if we were both commited to working it out, & if so there would be a session with the both of us, so here it is...accourding to him she must be willing if she agreed to continue counseling. Ummm, I'm no counselor, but I'm pretty sure it isnt that easy, just because she is willing to set in a chair for 45mins doesnt mean all that much right now, esp when she said she doesnt want anything from me & doesnt really want me. I actually asked for clearification; "so, you really dont want me"?

she said, "you just assume that" if somebody says its raining outside, shouldnt I assume that it is raining outside?

Anyway, I've bleed my heart out everywhere I've walked, I have had so much sorrow & tears I dont even feal like a man anymore, my wife was my first, dont want her to leave, but we are at an end it seems, I just want to touch & feel her again, but it might not ever happen again. I'm tired, so freakin tired, my insides are torn, cant focus on work, all I think about is my plight, one second I'm willing to do whatever it takes, then I come home & feel like I making her sick to her stomach, then she might give me an inch or two, instead of taking what she gives me I smother her...just dont know what to do, I guess I'm trying to make up for 11 years over night.

What do I say to this counselor? what is he going to ask? & is he going to ask the same question to both of us?

I have a feeling she is just going to set there looking as depressed as can be, counting on the counselor to feel sorry for her, or she is going to look for help from him to convince me to leave. She doesnt work & hardly ever has in our 25 year marrage. Every day that goes by I get a little stronger, but then I take a step back, I'm trying to convince myself that I can make it on my own & could find somebody else to be happy with...the problem is I dont really want anybody else. We cant really afford a temporary split or anything, cant afford a Lawyer, cant afford a devorce...which as of yet there hasnt been any talk of. She's gone I think, nothing inside, no love for me, she's just there. As much as I love her & want her, more than anything I need her, but what if I cant have her anymore, should I just play the game at home & seek attention elswhere...I mean she dont want me, so whats the problem? My problem is I got a wife that dont want me, yet I cant be with somebody else if I dont love them. Is this the end for me, am I to live the rest of my life alone, should I just forget the counseling pack up & move on with my life & forget everything save for the two boys...which one is a man.

Anyway, not really sure of what I asking here, not sure what I'm doing or why I even posted, it seems my busted innards are running the show these days so, I've lost controll of myself & thoughts.

Thanks gang...

#730369 - 09/09/11 11:18 PM Re: What to do? [Re: seven]
hanzblinx Offline


Registered: 08/13/10
Posts: 388
good news is it only gets better from where you are right now. My ex left me heartbroken after 12 years marriage. Turns out I'm 10x better off now, not just saying that, it's absolute truth. In fact I thank my lucky stars every day.

#730370 - 09/14/11 01:40 PM Re: What to do? [Re: hanzblinx]
seven Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 8
thanks. we went to counseling, seemed to go very well, & the days after were better than in years. I pushed to hard for too much too soon I guess, I think its too late...she's pretty well gone now. I guess I cant keep up the hard work for more than a couple weeks anyway, I've put our issue to the side & focused on the kids, cleaning...pitching in on the housework...after working 9hrs, while she has just been setting around thinking of how much she cant stand me I guess, something just dont seem right, I could keep up the hard work if I got so much as a smile & maybe a thank you. I'm starting to think I may not need her, I want her...but I dont think I need her anymore for anything, I think I'm controlled by the idea of being loved & wanted by somebody, if not her.

#730371 - 09/16/11 08:09 PM Re: What to do? [Re: seven]
yregna Offline

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Seven, you are really weak and begging to be taken advantage of....I hope you don't get your wish.
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

#730372 - 10/14/11 08:20 PM Re: What to do? [Re: yregna]
buckwheat Offline


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
Seven Listen To Might Maggot Mouth, he got screwed real bad and hes only thinking of your best interest, so listen!

#730373 - 12/23/11 04:54 AM Re: What to do? [Re: buckwheat]
denverchris Offline

recently joined

Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 5
Went through roughly the same thing with my ex. The story is around here somewhere. She just snapped and realized this wasn't the "thing" for her.

Reality was, there was another dude out there (on FB of all places) that tickled her fancy more than I did - someone from her past.

Ugh, I didn't mean to make this one about me.

Long story short, like hanzblinx, its been about two years now and things are MUCH better than they used to be. It was absolute f'ing hell to go through, and I'd be lying if I said I never suffer from some form of PTSD or fear commitment or have a hard time trusting people...because I have a hard time with all of it...still.

But there's something about going though that HELL that gives you a tough skin. Its like running a marathon. After that, you can do anything.

Did you like the guy you used to be before you got married? Are you even the same person anymore? Probably not. Go find a hobby, do something that you do just for yourself (just you, not even with your kids). Hike. Build a model. Race your car at a track. Take a roadtrip (if you can).



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