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#733478 - 10/25/11 12:25 AM losing my l/wife
kyle112 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 2
Hello everybody,
I’m new here and hoping to find some answers.
Over 6 months ago I started to see some changes in my wifeīs behavior .I Noticed but didnīt take any action. Then on a Sunday I asked why she didnīt care about me anymore, she told me she didnīt love anymore and wanted a divorce .I knew that there was a problem but this blew me away .I got upset , angry and hurt. Weīve been together for 16 years married for 2.Iīm 37 sheīs 36 no children.
From this point on my life has been hell. She kept on hurting me day after day .I lost a lot of weight since then. One day she suggested marriage counseling. Of course I said “no” right away, but it didnīt take me long to realize this might be a good thing.

So a few months ago we went and she started venting: In those 16 years together Iīve ignored her on a regular basis. Weīve been living at my parentīs for 10 and things got ugly, but I was too blind to see. In retrospect: She was absolutely right .Another thing she complained about, is my lack of social skills, also true. I donīt have any friends and before all this (thought), didnīt need any.

On our second session we got homework : meet each otherīs needs/surprise one another. I did all I could think off; she hardly made an effort. Still we took a little trip for a weekend, but most of the time she spent on her cell talking to her friends.

Our third session was a private one .I realized what Iīve done and I know especially now how important it is to have friends. However she refused to talk to me, all she could talk about was friends and work. Meanwhile the hurting went on till I couldnīt take it anymore. So one day I asked her: ”Do you want me to leave, if so Iīm gone by the end of the week.” I gave it a few days and got the answer: ”yes”. The next Sunday, I packed my stuff and went to my parentīs.(no other place to go). It was a very emotional day, she left when I was gathering my things. It was too painful for her. On the moment I actually left she cried and kissed me good-bye. Since there was still one session planned, I told her I was gonna be there no matter what.

Fourth session: She showed up which was a good sign I guess. Once again private sessions. The counselor gave my wife a “deadline” to figure out if she wants to go on with me. It īs been 5 weeks now that weīre living apart and since our next appointment is within a week I would like some advice.

It has been really difficult for me: every day I go to work I pass by our little house (that I built myself). I know I have to give her space, although itīs the last thing I want. Iīve decided to take another road just to avoid her. I still love her and am hoping for a second chance. Iīve never been abusive, I donīt drink, cheat, do drugs. I īve always been working (too much also part of the problem) , but also to give my wife what she needs.

Iīm waiting for her to call me to give an answer. Probably this will be the last day before our (last) session. What can/should I do or say?
I want her back, hopefully itīs not too late. I donīt wanna give up without a fight. You donīt just erase 16 years…

Thank you.

#733479 - 10/28/11 02:11 PM Re: losing my l/wife [Re: kyle112]
redrock Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/28/11
Posts: 1
Hi kyle112~

It sounds like you've had a wake up call in your marriage and you're doing everything you can to save this relationship. However, I know it can be very discouraging if you don't feel like your spouse is on the same page. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But, I wouldn't give up hope just yet. I think, like you said, it's a really positive sign that your wife is still seeing a marriage counselor with you. It shows she hasn't checked out entirely. And, even if she does choose to stop going, I'd encourage you to keep it up on your own. I think it will show her how serious you are about saving this marriage.

I also just read an article ([censored]:// online where it looked like the person mentioned was facing some similar struggles. And, I think it shared some good ideas on how you might be able to communicate to your wife that you're in this for the long haul. So, you might want to take a look at it if you have the chance. Just a thought!

Well, I really hope things turn around for you. I'm sure these last 5 weeks have seemed to last a lifetime. But, hang in there and be patient. As much as we may wish it were so, marriages can't be fixed overnight. But, I really do think healing is possible and I hope you see it happen!

Edited by redrock (10/28/11 02:14 PM)

#733480 - 10/29/11 12:28 AM Re: losing my l/wife [Re: redrock]
kyle112 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 2
thanks for your reply,

Iīve had a wake-up call,just pray itīs not too late.Time is ending and Iīm hoping for a second chance.Something I havenīt mentioned yet:my wife is a (licensed) psychologist...

thanks everybody!

#733481 - 03/22/12 08:43 PM Re: losing my l/wife [Re: kyle112]

recently joined

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 2
Just read your situation and it sounds rather similar to mine, though in reverse. I have been married to my husband for just about nine years (not as long as you), and he began to act differently, then started to be mean to me and said he loved me but was not in love with me anymore, which killed me. I love him, loved being married and am not handling this well. We just moved to Florida from CT and had only been there six months when this occured. I ended up moving home to CT to my parents, which is where I am now. He keeps saying he is going through some mental breakdown and doesn't know what he wants, etc. I just keep whining about how much I miss and love him and why doesn't he let me take care of him and help him through this. He just continues to want space. Today I read something that made me realize I may be doing more harm than good. I do not know how you have been reacting or interacting with your wife up until now, but apparently I have been doing everything to make things worse. Check this out: [censored]://[censored] I found it very enlightening, maybe it can help you too. I would love to buy the book, but cannot afford the 80 bucks right now, but the website gives a lot of free advice that is very interesting. Maybe you should try this approach at your next session. Who knows, it may work. Let me know and good luck to you.


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