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#756831 - 11/30/12 06:08 PM Manipulation
Eeovoia Offline

recently joined

Registered: 11/30/12
Posts: 5
This is a "waiting game" mediation... E.G. we moved back to our home state & have 3 minor children & have to wait the 180 day mark to "re-establish" residency. Back where we were, it was a small town, there for 6 mos. My stbx is involved in music ministry - had his dream job. I did not. I moved back to home state first with kids. He followed (had to quit his job willingly to come be with his children). Now:
-we have a child specialist aiding with parenting plan
-his lawyer
-my lawyer
-a mediator (love this lady!)

1. My concern is that - the stbx is trying to use "the best interest of the children" to manipulate the schedule to one that suits him. I got a job BEFORE moving back to home state. He did not look for a job here in home state, though he spent 2 months going back and forth from one state to another. I established the children in school, got a parenting schedule in place, and am responsible for their care while I am at work on the days that I have them. He wants to change the parenting schedule, as I need to change childcare providers, and if I merely changed the schedule, he could take care of the children for me. I don't want to function with him as a family, I will be cordial to him, etc. but in as far in as I have to to co-parent and NOTHING MORE.

2. He stated he didn't want this divorce, but is willing to be cooperative.
He cannot get a job in the ministry unless he is married. He will have a difficult time "living out his dream" without an in-tact family. I refused to be the ends to this means, as it became clear over 10 years that a 'marital' relationship with a narcissist was not possible.
3. He has done all he can to get childcare for "free" or next to nothing. I believe in working hard & paying people to say 'thank you' for watching the most precious gift I have - my children.
4. He has had prior job experience outside of being in the ministry, but refuses to get a job outside of this field in order to support the children. I have carried the retirement (yes, he tried to after that, until I listed all of his musical instruments & electronic assests - imac computer, plasma t.v., ipad, etc...), medical insurance, etc.. for the children for the last 10 years. He has not.

My question is - how do I get him to get a job again? I've tried bringin this up to the mediator - she said if I went litigation style, the judge would possibly have ME pay spousal & child support since: 1. I have held a steady job & made more than him all these years (not an extravagant amount with 3 children - I've made 25k-42k annualy over the last 10 years with respect to my work), and
2. He hasn't been "willfully" unemployed - he has two part time jobs - one as a weekend musician, the other as a teacher. It barely makes enough to support himself for costs of living, let alone our children. He lives with his parents, and I with mine, so that financially we don't hit beyond rock bottom & cannot support the boys.

3. The The judge would hear from him that he came back to this state "for his children" though he is not providing for them financially. He plays & does the fun stuff with them, but is gone weekends & evenings due to his chosen profession.I became sick of being alone & essentially a single mother while we were married, which is another reason we're divorcing.

#756832 - 12/17/12 04:53 AM Re: Manipulation [Re: Eeovoia]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
You can't make him get a job.

You can ask that a judge impute his income to what he is capable of making in your area. Assuming his dream job is not available to him there and you haven't mentioned other highly marketable skills/education, he should be imputed at minimum wage x 40 hours per week. Whether or not he actually makes that is up to him, but you want the CS figured with that 'salary' for him.

Who has residential custody of the kids and what the parenting time split is will also influence CS......and who ends up paying it to the stbx.

Does he want you to be the custodial parent ? What is he looking for regarding parenting time ?

"He plays & does the fun stuff with them, but is gone weekends & evenings due to his chosen profession."

I worked evenings and weekends due to my chosen profession too. Does being a nurse who worked hard to provide for my family make me a bad person or my stbx a single parent too ?

What do you think who paid for the health insurance for the last 10 years has to do with your division of marital assets ?


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