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#758746 - 02/01/13 06:06 AM Honesty with Chuldren
enbowen Offline

recently joined

Registered: 02/01/13
Posts: 1
I have been married for 12 years. My wife and I have a beautiful, smart, funny 7 year old daughter we adopted from China when she was 1. As with most Chinese adoptions, our daughter was abandoned at birth. My wife has decided she does not want to be married to me anymore, and is divorcing me. I know no specific reason why. There has been no adultery and no abuse. I have pleaded with her to attend marriage counseling with me, as has our daughter's therapist. She refuses. I do not want the divorce. Here is my dilemma. I do not want to blame the divorce on my wife to my daughter, but it is vitally important to me that my daughter know I did not surrender time with her voluntarily. I don't want her to think I'm someone else who prioritizes myself over her, or abandons her. And I don't want to participate in the lie that this divorce by mutual consent. What can I tell my daughter?

#758747 - 02/01/13 02:02 PM Re: Honesty with Chuldren [Re: enbowen]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
Right now? It's all grown up stuff -- creating and keeping the relationship with your daughter is far more important than her knowing any **truth** now. For every **truth** you tell her, your STBX will tell her another one.

Stay on the high road, reassure her of your love, support and involvement, prove those things to her and leave the **truth telling** until she is an ADULT. She's still a baby....let her be one.

#758748 - 02/05/13 07:25 PM Re: Honesty with Chuldren [Re: BeachBabeRN]
c_jane Offline

Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 1951
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
Have YOU tried asking for primary custody? I'm thinking Mom is ready for the party life, and if you presented her with 'you'll be tied down with our daughter and babysitters, etc., etc. Maybe it would be better if *I* took daughter so you could party."

worth a shot anyway. Then you wouldn't have any 'explaning about loss of time' to the child.
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.

#758749 - 02/07/13 11:46 AM Re: Honesty with Chuldren [Re: enbowen]
Goodmom Offline

Registered: 06/17/07
Posts: 2202
So, just what is the truth? What you think or what your stbx thinks? The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. BTW, your stbx is not 100% percent to blame for your marriage ending. No one person is.

Keep your kid out of it. Even when she is an adult.

Loss of time is a fact of life for BOTH parties of a divorce when kids are involved. Unless, of course, one of you takes off for parts unknown and never sees the kid. Which, hopefully, neither of you will do.

#758750 - 02/10/14 08:45 PM Re: Honesty with Chuldren [Re: enbowen]
SRS Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2585
Why would you give up any time. Go for primary or at a minimum 50/50 custody.

Be involved with everything - school, extracurriculars, bday parties.

Don't give up your child.

#758751 - 02/11/14 05:24 AM Re: Honesty with Chuldren [Re: SRS]
gr8Dad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 31800
Do you realize that the LAST post on this thread was a YEAR ago? LOL
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...

#758752 - 06/10/14 09:13 PM Re: Honesty with Chuldren [Re: gr8Dad]
kotabear Offline

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 642
Kids don't need to know the truth, they see it before even being talked to most of the time.

Like the rest said, you need to be a parent first, and have good communication with your daughter that you are there for her, when ever she needs you, and keep that promise, be the parent she depends on.

And yes if you are worried about her feeling abandon yet again, from a parent, go for primary or 50/50 custody.

I don't like seeing kids go threw a divorce, but a adopted child has so many scares before even being choosen, and I think it's terrible that a parent can't see that.

Good luck, and best to your daughter and her growth, give her more love then ever!
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. (Robert Frost)


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