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#763839 - 07/15/13 08:37 AM Can I do anything about the games?
COURTRJ Offline

recently joined

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 20
Loc: MN
So these are the things I'm talking about:

* The ignored text messages or at best a 12 hour lag to get an answer. Not little things, but "are you taking a vacation this year" or "Which Kindergarten should our 5 y.o. go to, let's talk"

Then on the reverse if I don't answer him right away he sends me 5 follow up texts until I do answer and has his GF call me too. He knows I work nights geez!

* An increasing amount of missed activities, 2 weeks of soccer just because he didn't have the equipment and never bothered to call. Missed baseball games even though I have offered to pick the kids up for any activity. And yes these are activities I scheduled with his permission. He says "if I wasn't getting raped for CS I could afford a second car and take him myself".

Now he's taking to calling at all hours after bedtime to talk to the kids about stuff he could have just told me. Like a baseball jersey is lost and then calling back at 10pm to say he found it...to the kid.

He always bring the kids home 30 minutes early. Then when I get home on time he makes me look late.

I really don't want to fight with him but is there any way to squash this? I mean he acts like I left him. Oh wait that was him. What am I doing wrong here?
_________________________
"Hope is not a strategy" **Courtney**

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#763840 - 07/16/13 01:36 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Stop getting upset over silly things.

So what if he doesn't respond for 2 hours to tell you when he is taking vacation ? That is NOT information that you NEED the second you thought to send him that text. Neither is a discussion about a child's future school.

If you don't respond to his texts immediately and he keeps texting you about it or has his gf call you, ignore them or tell them you will get back to them when you have time.

He can't make you look late.

Unplug the house phone extension in the kids' rooms after bedtime or take their cell phones away.

These are not complicated issues. Stop letting him affect you/upset you this much.

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#763841 - 07/16/13 03:36 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: finz]
COURTRJ Offline

recently joined

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 20
Loc: MN
I agree with telling him I'll get back to him when I have time when he peppers me with texts while I'm sleeping during the day of after the kids' bedtimes. The phone calls aren't even such a big deal it'd be fine if he was just calling to say goodnight but he's circumventing me for things that could be simply resolved between us and not bothered the kids at all.

The 12 hour responses are for "urgent" things like daycare or schedule changes.

I started approaching him about the Kindergarten in October for the February deadline. I think 5 months is more than adequate time for a decision or any input at all.

I also asked about his vacation in May and again in Mid June. Nada. He completely ignored both texts. I don't want to make plans for the kids and pay for stuff that they'll miss due to his vacation.

I mean it's one thing to say you don't know yet or need more time that's fine but he just never answers.

All the kids missed activities aren't silly things to me. He agreed to take them, I paid and offered to help and he just blows it off. That's ok?

When my kids have been sitting in my driveway for half an hour because they are early and then bounce out of my ex's car asking me why I'm so late I am thinking that makes me look late.

The behavior is annoying and I guess I've been trying for five years to just ignore his passive aggressive behavior and just do what I want without always trying to do it cooperatively with him. You certainly can't change other people's behavior only your own reaction to it. Probably I do let little things get to me but I'm still healing and it's hard have someone you used to love hurt you so much and break up your family and then on top of it spend the rest of your life treating you like dirt and making every act of co-parenting a struggle. Nice to vent. I just have to ignore his BS.
_________________________
"Hope is not a strategy" **Courtney**

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#763842 - 07/19/13 03:11 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Quote:
The 12 hour responses are for "urgent" things like daycare or schedule changes.


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Then why did you say, "The ignored text messages or at best a 12 hour lag to get an answer. Not little things, but "are you taking a vacation this year" or "Which Kindergarten should our 5 y.o. go to, let's talk""

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#763843 - 07/19/13 03:17 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Quote:
When my kids have been sitting in my driveway for half an hour because they are early and then bounce out of my ex's car asking me why I'm so late I am thinking that makes me look late.


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Are you able to speak or communicate in any way with your children ?

If you suspect that your ex has said or implied that you were late, you simply greet the kids with a big hug and say, "Awesome, you guys are back early ! You weren't due back until 3 pm and here it is 2:55 pm and you are already here !"

See how then no one would think you were late ?

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#763844 - 07/19/13 03:20 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Quote:
The phone calls aren't even such a big deal it'd be fine if he was just calling to say goodnight but he's circumventing me for things that could be simply resolved between us and not bothered the kids at all.


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Again, so don't let him "bother" the kid after their bedtime. Say, "They are in bed."

Problem solved.

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#763845 - 07/19/13 03:32 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Quote:
I started approaching him about the Kindergarten in October for the February deadline. I think 5 months is more than adequate time for a decision or any input at all.

I also asked about his vacation in May and again in Mid June. Nada. He completely ignored both texts. I don't want to make plans for the kids and pay for stuff that they'll miss due to his vacation.


********************************************

And it never occurred to you to initiate a conversation with him about either topic ? Maybe that's why he is showing up early to all those drop off/pick ups.

Tell him that you need an answer to your last text before you answer his texts/calls from hi gf.

Tell him you require his input by a certain date/time or you will make a decision yourself. I would use a read/confirm email service to document that.

You can request a CO to address that dates for a summer vacation schedule be confirmed by a certain date or forfeited.

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#763846 - 07/19/13 03:36 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: finz]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
I don't know what kind of cell phone you may have but on an iPhone, there's a way to block everyone except certain people from calling during the time you're sleeping, etc. I get the feeling that you work nights? You mentioned sleeping during the day.

I don't know about you but I solved middle of the day phone calls **while working nights** by calling people back at 3 am. That's when I was up -- they got it rather quickly and made sure to call in the evening before I went to work. A rather extreme way to solve this problem but this was also before cell phones **yep, I'm old** when the only type of message that could be taken was with an answering machine.

I can't remember the feature's name but you can include your kids, their schools, coaches, etc. to permit daytime calls from them but leave your ex off that list.

Problem solved. However, if he's calling the kids after their bedtimes and the phone is getting answered? TAKE THE PHONE AWAY. What kid needs a cell phone when they're going to bed? And simply refuse his requests to speak with them after bedtime.

And as for vacation? Might be worth your time to see if you can get a **must know by date** for vacations written into your visitation order. Me? If he didn't tell me when his vacation was? I'd make my own plans and tell him to stuff it. He wants to take that into court? Let him have at it.

Recall please that text messages are admissible in courts and don't delete them. Clear pathway of sorts that he ignored your questions about when his vacation is. Any judge will see that as **and you didn't tell her when it was, why exactly**???? While visitation/parenting time is paramount, most judges understand the difficulty of the CP when the NCP is uncooperative. They try and go with the reasonable answers.

Once you stand up and stop being a doormat, he won't be able to treat you like one.....;o)

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#763847 - 07/19/13 03:47 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Quote:
The behavior is annoying and I guess I've been trying for five years to just ignore his passive aggressive behavior and just do what I want without always trying to do it cooperatively with him. You certainly can't change other people's behavior only your own reaction to it. Probably I do let little things get to me but I'm still healing and it's hard have someone you used to love hurt you so much and break up your family and then on top of it spend the rest of your life treating you like dirt and making every act of co-parenting a struggle. Nice to vent. I just have to ignore his BS.


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Well, if you just do what YOU want, then you are handling things as passive-aggressively as you accuse him of doing AND not co-parenting well. You can be cooperative and direct, just set limits.

Respectfully, if it's been 5 years it doesn't sound like you are still healing, it sounds like you are still enmeshed.

He could TRY to treat you like dirt if he's ACTUALLY evil and not just selfish or self absorbed. He can only actually treat you like dirt if YOU let him.

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#763848 - 07/19/13 03:54 AM Re: Can I do anything about the games? [Re: COURTRJ]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Quote:
All the kids missed activities aren't silly things to me. He agreed to take them, I paid and offered to help and he just blows it off. That's ok?


****************************************

Yes, that is okay.

It's his parenting time, he gets to choose how he'll spend it.

What's silly is CONTINUING to sign them up for or pay for them to participate in activities that you KNOW he won't bring them to. Stop doing that.

If the kids grumble because they missed something that they wanted to attend, THEY should be grumbling to him.

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