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#771492 - 02/23/16 04:41 AM Need help, x-wife is stalling, won't talk to me...
dcoville Offline

recently joined

Registered: 02/23/16
Posts: 1
So after a way too long bad relationship (17 years together, almost 13 married before seperating) and 2 kids (4 and 7) we've ended things, I've moved out, we've both moved on (other partners 1 for me and she's making up for lost time, I quit counting) and things looked easy... Here's the short-ish version...

We became un-fixable officially in early August 2015, I'd slept on the couch in another room(literally) for the better part of 7 years, neither of us (since she did almost 10 years ago and to my knowledge) had cheated but we're the high school sweetheart couple that just grew apart, we had nothing in common at all and would stay seperate even when home and around the kids just so we didn't argue / fight. Long story short, this should have happened a long time ago.

Jump to August, last talk, done, I move out. She's been a stay at home mom and I make good money (150k ish).

Sidebar: She's not a good stay at home mom, kids do whatever (videogame / cartoon babysitter), house never clean (company for dinner, dirty dishes in a trash bag outside until company leaves kind of not clean) and my 4 year old who is very bright wasn't potty trained, like hadn't even started... In hindsight I should have done more but with my long work hours (on the clock from a minimum of 10AM to 8PM thursday through monday) and avoiding conflict I regrettably wasn't.

Back to leaving, I'm out of the house and I offer to keep her in the house, pay for it and the utilities, as well as her car and phone as well as money monthly for living expenses and health insurance. She'd have the kids during my work week and I'd have them every Tuesday / Wednesday.

End of September she's bitching because the original offer doesn't offer her "independence" and keeps her "under my thumb." I offer that we sell the house (we have upwards of 120k equity) and in lieu of having to mess with my 401k (only about 40k) and checking / savings (not much consistently) I'd give her 70% (about 70k after realtor fees) as well as paying off her car (I even end up buying her a brand new one in November of similar remaining balance because she was bitching about her older one), pay for the house and all basic utilities until it sells as well as pay her $1000 monthly spousal support for 3 years but I would have the kids for the school week (dropped with me late sunday and she'd get them friday from school) allowing her to work, go to school or whatever independance she wanted to pursue all with around $70k cash as a starting point to get her going...

At first she hated the idea of not having the kids full time, then after a couple weeks she started leaning towards option 2 and in late October finally decided that's the route she wanted to take.

We took a few weeks to hammer out the details and filed online through Whakiakum county (a county in WA that as long as a couple is in agreement allows for filing regardless of residence and no court appearance).

Side note, I emailed her all of the prepared paperwork for review on November 13th, she met me at a neutral location with a notary to sign on november 27th and the official court stamp says "Filed" as of December 2nd.

Yet another sidebar, the house: She didn't want to move until after the holidays so we write up in the documents that the home would be on the market by 3-1-16.

Fast forward until Friday february 19th. Aside from some frustration that on her weekends with the kids they seem to constantly be staying the night at someone else's home so she can go out and the kids missing their mom due to lack of quality time with her everything goes as agreed. I call the county clerk to verify everything is set to be completed as scheduled on 3-2-16 and to my shock / anger / plenty of other words fill in the blank, I come to find out that as of 2-11-16 she has withdrawn as joinder and filed a motion to have the case moved to Pierce County where we live(d).

Now to this point (and still today) the only thing she's verbalized or fought me on is that she doesn't want to move and she's not ready even though she's had 5 days a week without the kids since Christmas without working (her first day actually was today 2/22/16).

While super pissed, I keep my cool and decide not to say anything as I haven't seen any official documentation yet. Of course later the same day I get the documents in the mail, go figure. There's nothing specific in the documents other than a motion to relocate along with the declaration, which included a bunch of generic reasons from home values to witnesses to teachers and schools. She also stated that she was pressured into filing in Wahkiakum County (emailed docs, signed at a neutral location 2 weeks later, pressured my you know what...) as well as the statement that there is a pierce county attorney waiting to take the case once transferred.

Now that I have the documentation I text her, "I got an interesting piece of mail... What's going on?" She says, "we only talk about the kids, other than that you can talk to my attorney." I say, "good enough, what's his / her name / number."

Here's the frustrating part, she refuses to tell me who this person is, the documents I received were prepared by her and "witnessed" by a friend of hers, not an attorney, Wahkiakum County has no record of an attorney and Pierce county has no records as our case is still held at Wahkiakum until either I sign the OK to move the case, or we have a hearing down there. I've asked a few times, including when she dropped the kids off last night for contact information and she just sneers and laughs, I told her I'm not signing anything until I have more information and she just snickered and said, "that's your prerogative."

I've reached out to a few recommended attorneys for a consultation but I have no information regarding what she's after. My gut is that she's bluffing and that she knows that this will drag our case out allowing her to stay in the house longer.

Meanwhile my end of the bargain is costing me over $5k a month out of pocket just for her end of things (not including my own bills or expenses for the kids) and I've run up credit cards just to live somewhat regularly with the assumption I'd pay them off when the home sells.

Above and beyond our "agreement" I pay her car insurance (partially because my name is on the car), her cell phone bill (I call the kids when they're over there) and her cable and internet just to be nice and because 2 days a week (assuming they're actually at her house) my kids use them.

I feel my only ammunition left to get her to tell me what the hell is going on is to cut those "optional" expenses off (about $400 monthly) and make her pay them but I've also been advised this would look worse in court than going above and beyond to make things as good as possible for everyone involved.

Long rant, sorry. Last thing for full disclosure, I have a new girlfriend that lives with me, (psych major, amazing, educated girl) and is involved in all of the best ways in the kids lives and they love her to death, we actually had our first swim lessons for the kids today! Also aside from 2 days we offered my ex to have the kids and she accepted (she's declined others) every day the kids have been with us, they've been with us, they're everything to us and we put them first. Between my work, her school, her work and driving over 2 hours every weekday to transport them to school (I moved about 20 minutes away from the bus stop, 40 from school and they go to different schools, the 4 year old only 2 days a week), neither of us has had a regular day off in over well over 3 months but Sunday night through thursday night is family, we make the most of the few hours a week we can dedicate to each other and have a great relationship regardless.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I have no idea what to do from here, any advice is truly appreciated!

#771493 - 02/26/16 08:03 PM Re: Need help, x-wife is stalling, won't talk to me... [Re: dcoville]
oldsmom Offline


Registered: 06/08/15
Posts: 100
If I am reading this right, you currently have custody of the kids. My advice is based on this. If you do not, that would change things.

Sounds like you are pro se. You have the resources to get an attorney, so do so. If she is getting an attorney, and trying to relocate, you will need one. It's worth the money.

Then go forward with the case just like a normal contested divorce. Notify her that you are taking your offer off the table, and go after everything. You will scare the crap out of her, and then you can still be the nice guy and compromise once she stops trying to abuse the situation.

Talk with an attorney first, but I would stop paying her the spousal support if they are okay with it. Tell her that you no longer believe her to be following the original agreement, so the spousal support is off the table.

#771494 - 03/08/16 08:18 AM Re: Need help, x-wife is stalling, won't talk to me... [Re: oldsmom]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 949
You should have never moved out. If you want some fair kind of settlement, drop the girlfriend and move back into the house. You've given your ex the incentive to stretch this out as long as possible, which could be years.


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