My wife left me one month ago. When she left she didn't give me any reasons and it was a while before we really sat down and talked about it... We never 'sat down' and talked about it literally.
Since then I've learned a lot about her. I've learned that she suffers from PTSD, and my therapist believes she also suffers from a personality disorder. But that kind of diagnosis is impossible without the person present. So I've been going to therapy alone to trying to figure out how to fix our marriage.
She’s said a lot of things, given me a lot of reasons why it was my fault that the marriage failed. She showed me a lot of anger at moments, but in others, has shown me a lot of love and resilience.
She's only seen me twice since she left. The first time she said she was leaving to end "it" with the divorce lawyer so that she can come back to me, but then she never came back that night. The next time she only came here to move your stuff out; she still left a lot behind.
Two days ago we talked for several hours in the middle of the night on the phone. We had a really great conversation and things felt like they were going good. It felt like we still have hope. We talked about me moving into her new place in VA; she moved to another state, its only an hour away. We talked about how she was still deciding what she wants to do. She sent me some pictures of the place and told me about her new job and how everything was going well. We just talked, caught up, and had a good time.
I thought that finally after all these weeks she’s finally gotten the space she needed and we could start to pick up the pieces.
Yesterday, however, she sent me an email; I got it on the way to work. All it said was, “I want a divorce. I no longer want to have contact. I have no interest in being with you or fixing anything.”
I pulled off to the side of the road to send her an email back but rather than hit ‘send’ I called her.
She picked up the phone crying and screaming. She said that she never wanted to talk to me again that we cannot have any more contact and that she wants a divorce. She said that “he” was mad at her because “he” found out that she was still talking to me. She's been having an affair; she accidentally called me his name too.
I try to calm her down and talk civilly. I'm surprised I took it so well but in a lot of ways I felt relieved because she finally gave me the real reason why things fell apart between us.
This morning I tried to leave her a message to show support and tell her that I'm still here and I want to work with her through this divorce and end it on good terms. I understood that she was going through a lot of pain and I'm not here to make it any worse, I want to help her get what she wants. I wanted to tell her that I do forgive her and that, to me, she still feels like my best friend. I care about her a lot, I mean… I married her, I love her... and I know that the separation is putting far too much stress on her. Instead when I called a man picked up and said I had the wrong number. it might have been him or she might have changed her number… but I don't think it happens overnight that quickly... Since that guy picked up i did email her the message.... but I doubt she'll ever get it...
So finally I know that there's no way we can salvage this marriage. But I care about her. I was never mean and I never hurt her but with her PTSD she refused to get treated there was nothing I could do to stop this before it was too late. Now there is an affair which makes it feel like there is no going back no matter what.
I'm so afraid. I love and I care about my wife so much. But I've accepted for a while that loving her means I'm going to have to let her go because she's just needs it.
Now I have no way to reach her. Her family doesn't even know how to contact her. One of the last things she said on that call was that I'm “going to hear from my (her) lawyer.”
I know I can't save the marriage but I still want to save our bond, our friendship. I want to end this on good terms because I know her and I know it won't be long before she finds herself in another mess and she’ll need someone to help her.
I don't know what the right thing is to do. I just now for the first time called a few lawyers, still waiting to hear back. We also share a bank account with a good deal of money in it. She also has a car that's in my name. Not being able to contact her makes me panic and I know that some of the things I want to do are the wrong decisions. I thought about reporting the car stolen, which legally I can, so that I can track it with OnStar. I thought about switching the money into another account so she can take it all. But those are bad thoughts and I'm afraid that I can't make any decisions that aren't going to be the wrong ones…
I'm afraid but she's going to do something irrational again. I think she might even try and put a restraining order on me, which is devastating, because I've never did anything aggressive. I always waited for her to talk to me before I said anything, or I would send her a short email when I didn't hear from her for a few days... I just don't deserve this... The only reason I went to counseling was to learn how to stay calm and be supportive through all of this because she's fighting the stress and the PTSD all on her own; or so I thought...
Should I wait for divorce papers to come from her lawyer? Should I get my own lawyer? Should I file for divorce also? Should I give up trying to talk to her? What should I do about the things that she left behind?
I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry my first post is so long, and, probably in the wrong forum. But I do want to save our bond with my wife, even though it's too late.
Edited by mcutter (03/03/16 10:33 PM)