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#772267 - 08/04/16 09:09 PM Telling kids without the other parent present?
ScaredAndAlone Offline


Registered: 07/27/16
Posts: 25
Any experience/wisdom re: telling the children WITHOUT the other parent?
I originally agreed to meet a mediator with my wife. I thought we would do everything amicably. However, I may have discovered why she is now rushing. She is sleeping with a friend of mine of 20+ years... who is also married (apparently, his wife is OK with this - they set up rules for a three-way polyamorous relationship).
I plan to serve my wife with divorce papers.
I keep stressing that we NEED to tell the children. She wants to wait until we have finished mediation and have sorted who will live where and with whom.
Should I tell my kids (10 & 8) without my soon-to-be ex present? Wife does NOT know I found out nor that I plan on serving her.

#772268 - 08/05/16 05:05 AM Re: Telling kids without the other parent present? [Re: ScaredAndAlone]
TJMH Offline


Registered: 07/17/15
Posts: 349
What you found out about your wife and your friends should have no bearing on what or how you tell your kids. You're hurt and disgusted, but you don't need to burden your kids with that.

I think I kind of agree that you should have more certainty about how the divorce will affect them (where they'll be living, how much they'll be seeing each parent, what if anything will change with school, etc.) before you say anything to them. And I really think you and your wife need to talk to them together, with a unified story. I wouldn't tell them without your wife's concurrence.

It also sounds like you need to be upfront with your wife, at least that you feel the marriage is irretrievably broken and you want to divorce. Whether you let her know you found out about her "arrangement" is up to you, but I'd recommend thinking of the divorce as your escape route for you, not as a punishment for her.

Edited by TJMH (08/05/16 05:31 AM)

#772269 - 08/05/16 11:44 AM Re: Telling kids without the other parent present? [Re: TJMH]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Having had my LTM X cheat on me when there were children involved and looking back, the focus should be on the children and their well being. Divorce hurts kids and can and does leave emotional scars. The family is broken and it does affect everything. But it doesn't have to be gloom and doom...counseling for the kids with a therapist that can address how this will affect them. Working out the issues with your X to avoid using the kids as bartering tools is also helpful. Sorry you are going through this and sorrier for the kids. Good luck.


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