So my husband came to me at the end of a fight at the beginning of April (litterally the day before our 7yr anniversary) and said he wanted a divorce.
We are both very stubborn people, and fights are uncommon but persist for a while, and unfortunately I've come to be aware that neither of us are good at the uncomfortable talks and we end up bandaging rather than fixing. He has a bad habit of secluding himself on the computer and I have issues with need for equal compability.(I messed up, I apologize first, you messed up, your responsibility to apologize)
Background for the "last fight" was not as aggressive as a few we have had, but the circumstances were rough, he was balancing an friend's wedding with that same friend's mother dying, and I was balancing a new promotion. We have had fights in the past over the fact that he drives "entitled" ( he yells at people going the speed limit in the far lane, is very road ragey about being cut off, and speeds excessively) and as he was already emotionally stretched; when he almost clipped one car, and ran a light so badly his tail gate wasn't even in the intersection when the light turned red, I told him to slow down and chill out. He got snapy with me, and then tried to brush it under the rug while still driving aggressively. When I refused to respond to his "light" conversation after he snapped at me, he tried to manipulate me by saying if I wasn't going to drop it we might as well go home (we were driving to eat). He is a very picky person about food, and if he gets upset he just won't eat; but knowing he was treating that as a threat, I told him fine, just take us home. since it exasperated the already stressed emotions, he almost got us hit pulling a U-turn and legimately worried about being in the car with him in that state, I told him to pull over. I got out, crying at this point because now its a big mess, and he left me there.
My mother ended up coming to pick me up and take me home, only to find he had not even gone home and I had no idea where he was. Nothing was confronted that night, by the time he eventually got home I ended up sleeping on the sofa (he has back issues so I never make him give up the bed). After work the next day, he again tried to brush the entire incident under the rug as if nothing had happened, he greeted me as if I should have been fine; but feeling abandoned after getting out of his truck and be left, and upset that he drove so badly I felt threatened and needed to get out after all the previous times we'd gone over his driving issues, I was not willing to be cooperative with rug brushing. I greeted him and answered his questions but did not actively engage the conversation and he eventually got snappy again and secluded himself in our bedroom on his computer.
A week went by in this manner of me refusing to acknowledge him beyond responding to questions, and I had plans to go out with some friends. We have had issues before where he plans to do something (apologizing and surprise plans both) and my own plans ruin his layout and he becomes more upset; so in the hope of avoiding that potential, and not expecting him to he a mind reader to what I was looking for to end the fight, I approached him. It was hostile, most or our initial interactions are before a settlement is reached ( good example I fell asleep in my car after one fight and when he came out his way of "ending" that was to *tell* me "you'll only get more dehydrated if you stay out here, come inside."). My exact words were "Are you planning to apologize to me this weekend, cause I'm going out so..." his exact response was "for what." I shook my head, closed the door on him getting indignant that I wouldn't stick around to answer that, and went out with my friends.
The non-acknowlement went on for a month total counting that first week. We went to the friends wedding, but he was in the wedding party so very little interaction require. We dealt with our own food and distractions with no communication. This is a time frame that has happened before, I was not concerned, but when he finally came to me with our anniversary the next day, divorce as his response had not even been on the list of things I was expecting.
Even with the extended time that fights last I've only *once* considered divorce myself (it was an issue involving my pets and he was threatening to call animal control, you are not a good person to threaten an innocent animal), I always assumed we were more logical then that and would work things out. Apparently either he's less commucative then I knew since he claimed to have been feeling "miserable" for months, stating an "unsuccessful marriage" as a cause, or he got that off of a "how to tell your spouse you want a divorce". It felt really rehearsed and I suspect the second because when I asked him how having a house, two free and clear cars, stable jobs and everything we do that we had an "unsuccessful" marriage, he couldn't explain why he phrased it that way.
Its been six months, we've had some harsh talks about the implications of a divorce and implemented some basic communication exercises, but there have been no... i say significant changes, mostly due to his only well defined complaints being emotional in nature? Yet despite no large changes, all he ever says is "well its getting better" (another factor on the "tell your your spouse" theory because if nothing changed how is it better?) However, I have done everything I can think of to try and get us to a point he feels comfortable committing to fixing whatever issues we have, rather than divorce. I've provided lots of material on coping mechanisms, communication, and offered to look at counciling (neither of us really fancy that option but I did offer). He has done nothing. he picks at the material I provide, makes non commital comments on everything, cant give me any solid issues, and consistently his *only* answer is "its getting better, we're working on it".
I am consistently stressing because if he was sad for that long and I missed it, am I still missing it? Am I ever going to get him to stop dangling it over my head? I get into anxiety spirals of "i refuse to act in fear of this being the thing that breaks it, but omg what happens if this is the thing that drives him away?" He never shows any actual concern that this is a serious issue, treating it (to my eyes) like this is just another big fight that can be swept aside and ignored, not a looming threat that shoves glass shards into the hole where a 7 year relationship foundation had been.
I'm doing things I never would have before, because my trust in him is nonexistent (and I seriously dislike the urges I have to continue doing these things). And I don't know if I'm only confirming I shouldn't trust him or seeing things because I don't? He has open profiles on dating sites that I found because I occasionally use his computer (with permission) and google shows frequently visited sites on the page and they were there. He has paperwork that he left out from a insurance company that "we" have no policy at, but its talking about his policy. He got upset with me "invading his privacy" when I confronted him about the dating sites (and I did open them and look at the profiles, which was invasive, fully admit) but he claims he made these legit profiles to read the personals for fun. I don't trust that, but I never would have snooped into it like that before if divorce wasn't on the table. I'm terrified to confront him about the insurance thing because he'll say I shouldn't have picked it up to look at it and how dare I accuse him, but what excuse will he give me?
The drama and stress involved with a divorce process is a horrendous thought to me, and he hasn't done anything that I would divorce him for at this point beyond the mental and physical damage from the threat. (I know he hasn't physically cheated on me and I really don't care about a cyber sex digital thing, it would piss me off but wouldn't be grounds for divorce) Lying is just part of human nature so as long as he explains the insurance thing, whatever on that front. But the mental and physical repercussions from the stressing and anxiety are killing me, I *NEED* him to commit and confirm to fixing it rather than divorce (preferably in a notarized contract at this point as I'm creeping up on trust-phobia levels of communication here)
I'm really just looking for thoughts, suggestions, opinions are fine as long as they aren't "your and idiot, leave him" I'm not in any mental situation where I couldn't, but I just REALLLLY don't want to deal with the financial and living situation shift that would entail unless its a last resort. Happy to answer any questions or clarify anything, just ask.