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#772840 - 12/19/16 08:14 PM Emergency spousal support if accused of abuse?
UrsaClaire Offline
recently joined

Registered: 12/19/16
Posts: 2
Woo. So. Hi everyone, never thought I'd find myself on a forum like this.

I'm Claire, and my wife is Faye. I'm going to be super blunt cause it might affect legal issues. I am transgender, and still legally male. My wife is as well, but was legally female before she immigrated to the USA from Britain on a work VISA.

We've been married a bit over 4 years and she has her permanent resident card now, so thank goodness she can stay. She has a very nice job here in San Francisco.

I've been here with her for 5 years though and it's really become my home. Suffice it to say our marriage is... not doing well. But I didn't realize how badly it'd go until we had a big arguement recently, and well... she said I should get out of the house, I wasn't clear if I was welcome back in, and she is saying she won't pay me any spousal support on grounds that I was emotionally abusive.

I admit our relationship is broken, I take more than I give, and this is largely my fault. Does it rise to domestic abuse? God I hope not. I am doing some real soul searching right now. But I also need to think about my body and keeping it in shape while we calm down so we can talk this out one way or another. Neither of us wants a legal battle.

She is the sole earner in the relationship with a very lucrative technology job. My last job was 2 months part time in fast food when I was 16 (I am 31 now). I have suffered from severe depression from many factors, and am currently on anti-depressants as well as hormone therapy.

I admit I could've tried a lot harder to find an income, or get schooling, and I was terrible at keeping up with housework. I was a pretty bad wife all around. She provided and I spent and laid around the house. I also admit that I've been promicuous with some friends, but this was not a secret, we are a very modern couple and I never hid anything or anyone from her, including my boyfriend in Missouri who I flew out to visit a couple of times. This isn't me screwing random people or some kind of secret affair, we're polyamorous.

But the more immediate concern is I have absolutely no money and nowhere to go. I have 20 dollars on me. I know I can stop by to get what's left of my medication (not much) but as she is on vacation between her old job and her new one, I am in a narrow window of lacking health care coverage. I don't have any friends or family nearby to go to.

I just want to know what I can do to assure that in the short term I am given the money to eat, find a hotel or a place to rent, SOMETHING.

I still might be able to save my marriage, I don't know. I don't know if I want to, because if I really am that bad I need to let her go and stop screwing up her life. But can anyone confirm for me that she can't just completely cut me off and kick me onto the street? Because I really have no other resources I can reach that aren't public shelters, and without money or my medication and in this kind of emotional state I doubt I will survive the streets.

- A very concerned Claire

#772842 - 12/20/16 12:01 AM Re: Emergency spousal support if accused of abuse? [Re: UrsaClaire]
TJMH Offline


Registered: 07/17/15
Posts: 349
You probably need to file for divorce or legal separation before you can get anything. The good news for you is that California family law generally tries to mitigate a situation like yours where one spouse has all the money, so the other can't be kicked out and left homeless and on welfare.

Absent any [b]documented[/b] evidence of domestic abuse (as in convictions, police reports, etc.) you can probably get temporary spousal support ordered by the court and also get ongoing spousal support as part of your judgment. The amount of temporary support will be based on the difference between your wife's income and yours, usually as calculated by a computer program called Disso-master. Judgment support is more complicated based on a variety of factors.

Your wife also probably can't summarily kick you out of the house, especially if you have nowhere else to go. Even if she was the sole earner during your marriage, California is a community property state so half of the property and half of what she earned during the marriage (including retirement, stock grants/options, etc.) is considered yours.

If you have no income and your wife does, you can probably make a case for her to have to pay your legal expenses for the divorce.

I'd recommend that you talk to a lawyer. Usually the initial consultation is free and they'll be able to guide you through what your rights are and what you need to do to assert them.

You do, however, have a legal obligation to become self-supporting and the court can reduce or terminate spousal support entirely if it finds that you aren't making good faith efforts to earn your own living. So at a minimum you might want to dust off those fast food skills.

#772843 - 12/20/16 02:10 PM Re: Emergency spousal support if accused of abuse? [Re: TJMH]
UrsaClaire Offline
recently joined

Registered: 12/19/16
Posts: 2
Thanks TJMH.

Things have cooled off a bit and I am back home. She has a lot of valid points, and I am working to change.

No, there's no documentation, she's never called the cops on me or anything. Thanks for the response. I realize if we split up I need to get to work, but that takes time. I am more secure now knowing if we can't work it out or split amicably that I won't be on the street.

Anyway, hopefully we can continue working this out. Thanks again.


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