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#773163 - 04/01/17 08:41 PM What are we doing to our kids?
FrancoStacy Offline

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
I grew up in stable home with one mom and dad. They had been married since my mom was 15 and my dad was 21 and stayed together until my mom's death in her 70s. My dad passed away in his mid 80s and he was lonely every day after mom died. My sisters thought it would be nice for dad to have a girlfriend and he had met an old female high school friend and they made a suggestion to dad about her, but my dad was repulsed at the idea and quickly set my sisters straight of the one woman for him and what was our mom, quite frankly, I was repulsed too. If dad had moved on, I would been nice and courteous to her, but inside my heart and gut would have always told me she was an outsider. My mom and dad never took separate vacations nor did they ever take vacations away from us kids. We were a simple family in the eyes of most, but my mom and dad gave me and my siblings a paradise and showed us what true love is.

I was in a happy marriage for 18 years and separated for 4 so a total of 22 years of marriage and now two years of divorce. My wife is not the same person today. I would not have been interested in someone like her 22 years ago nor would I be interested in someone like her today, so I am in a much different situation than my dad was. My wife changed so much and walked out on me and our 4 kids without any warning. She has remarried since and claims she is happy and I am happy for her, but I miss that woman I fell in love with. I cant seem to forget her or betray that woman even though she does not exist and maybe she never did.

In these last six years we have called it co-parenting but that term wants to make me vomit. Its a myth as much as Bigfoot and Nessy. Her and I rarely argued when we were married because we agreed on most of everything and relied on each other. Now we dont rely on each other and we are two totally different people. We dont agree on religion, drinking, morals, and how to raise kids, which means she doesnt agree now how we raised our kids for 18 years of marriage. She has two step children and I have purposely made sure there is no one else except my own kids in my focus. So co-parenting is more like a truce-parenting. I have the kids 95 percent of the time and pay for 98 percent of their things, but her and I are like Obama and Trump, or Manson and Billy Graham trying to co-parent kids. Its a shock to me and has been for the kids too.

I have seen our kids turn for the worse and follow exactly what statistics say are likely to happen to children of divorces. Increased absenteeism in school, lower standard of living, lower grades, discipline issues, drug issues, etc. Also something that really bother me but there are no statistics for and the secular world doesnt care about and that is that my kids faith in God has fallen. They either don't need God or feel like God betrayed them because they were happy in our family and felt safe and God allowed this to happen. I know because they have point blank told me that. They were not kids that saw abuse or addictions or heard or seen fights or negative talk. We were the family that their friends that had divorced families wanted to come over and stay with. My wife and I use to have private talks how we both noticed that. I came from a good home, my wife did not. Her and I discussed before we were blessed with our first born how I wanted to give our kids what I had as a child. She said she wanted to protect our kids from what she had as a child and that was a family life of fighting, step dads, step siblings coming and going and abuse of her mother. I thought that made us bullet proof family. In the end, she did not keep up her end of the bargain and threw our kids right into the mix of what she said she did not want for them.

I have tried. I have taken the co-parenting classes taught by trained instructors. In the class they stated that in a divorce, BOTH parties lose out, there are no winners and that usually kids loose some respect for both their parents. I have seen that in our family as well. My kids seem to take things out on me because i am the parent and treat their mom much nicer since she is the friend. Its so strange because my youngest dosent want to go there simply because her step kids are night and days different between them and our youngest. They dont have the same interest, they are aggressive and ours is passive, they like to rough house and my son doesnt. And there has been times of them making fun of our two youngest kids and my x did nothing. At times her step kids can be sweet, they are not that bad, just different from ours. I remember kids like that in school, I just avoided them. I remember being that age and kids you didnt want to hang out with....well what do you do when your parent marries the parent of those kids?

But here I am divorced. I have tried to sneak out and date, but it doesn't work. I have tried with 4 different women but they all expect me to leave my kids behind or ship them off to their mom's so we can have fun and that is the ultimate turn off for me. I can not leave my kids behind, I cant sacrifice a minute with them because one day its natural for them to grow away, plus I want them to see something in me that my dad showed me, that is you dont run, you dont hide and you dont make excuses, you live up to your promises and do what is right regardless of how that makes you feel. That doing for others should make you happy, but if it doesn't, you do it anyway and then get yourself right.

So I look at all these posts of fighting and positioning and pain and hurting and I can only imagine the innocent kids caught in the crossfire and I want to cry. Do we realize what we are doing and why? These kids are our best shot to make changes in this world. Some say you have to agree to work with your x for the better of the children...which I say....if I or her or any of us had that ability and held ourselves to that level of accountability, we would have never divorced in the first place. If we were good at communicating, collaborating, and meeting in the middle and also sacrificing for our innocent children, we would have never gotten divorced or hurt our spouse. We are here because we are terrible at those things.

My wife sometimes now likes to show me disrespect and accuse me of things, but in her calm moments she tells the reason she left is simply....she wasnt happy...she just fell out of love. She oftens follow that up with life is too short to be unhappy and so many women applaud her....I say...what about the rest of us?
What about the children and their happiness? To which my wife will say, they need to suck it up and I couldnt suck up but you expect kids to do it?
All this to make one person happy and I can understand that, but not our children. They are innocent.

so I ask all of you to take a deep breath and think about what you are doing or about to do? We tell our kids there is no such things as monsters so dont fear whats under your bed or in your closet on in those dark shadows...sometimes its us parents that are the monsters.

So Jesus said on the cross to his father about the ones that had just accused him, tortured him, mocked him and in the process of killing him...he said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do.

Thats how I feel about all of us, we dont know what we are doing

Edited by FrancoStacy (04/02/17 04:55 AM)

#773170 - 04/01/17 11:18 PM Re: What are we doing to our kids? [Re: FrancoStacy]
MinnesotaMom Online   content

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 879
Great post. Some parents are impossible to co-parent with. It's when parallel parenting becomes the only way.

Yes, many selfish folks have damaged their children for their own happens all the time. I wish you well.

#773172 - 04/02/17 05:04 AM Re: What are we doing to our kids? [Re: MinnesotaMom]
FrancoStacy Offline

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
thank you

#773189 - 04/08/17 12:19 PM Re: What are we doing to our kids? [Re: FrancoStacy]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Unfortunately your story is all too familiar. Many of us in LTM's ended up with a spouse leaving because they were "unhappy" and we are left to pick up the pieces while the one who left moves on. We do the best we can. And it should be all about the kids, because sadly, it affects them the most. We have to stuff our feelings down and put on that positive face for them.

I wish you luck, focusing on your kids is probably the best thing you can do and "if" the women you are trying to date don't understand that, then walk away.


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