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#773609 - 05/28/17 03:50 AM don't hate him, but don't want him happy for now
findingmyway Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/28/17
Posts: 2
Let me first say I admit that I am being incredibly, ridiculously selfish.

My ex and I were married for almost 18 years. We met in high school and married soon after. We have teenage children. I loved him and tried my best to be a good wife. But he just couldn't be happy with just one woman. I forgave and forgave, although I was about 10 years and 3 kids into the marriage when I first found out about his "hobbies". I wasn't perfect and definitely had my faults, but I was determined to make it work. He decided about 2 years ago that he had messed up too much and things could never be right again and he just didn't love me anymore. We are friends. We get along great. He sees our kids often, really whenever he wants. He's good to me and helps whenever I need him. I'm okay with him living elsewhere. It was actually a relief when he moved out because it had become so much work. I hurt for my children, but I don't want him back. But, that being the case, why do I care that he has decided to move on with his life? I know he's been seeing other women, and I shouldn't care, but I get so depressed when I think about it. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I just not care? He's cause so so so much pain for me and my kids, I shouldn't care what he does or who he's with. Selfishly, I just don't think he deserves to be happy. (Yes, I know how bad that sounds) This stinks!! Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how to someone other than his wife.

#773620 - 05/28/17 05:22 PM Re: don't hate him, but don't want him happy for now [Re: findingmyway]
lifewithdivorce Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/17
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
Finding My Way:

First off, don't beat yourself up. These feelings are common, and you have every right to them. My ex walked away after 17 years together and 14 years of marriage with two children. What made it worse, she walked away with someone and they lived together immediately after the separation. It was an emotional roller coaster, even many months after. One day I would tell myself I wanted her to be happy, and the next I wanted to see her fail in every way, just so she could learn a lesson that she had walked out on someone who really cared for her. Like you, I also forgave cheating many times.

You say you shouldn't care. But I think you have every right to. Yes, there comes a point where you need to heal and move on, but we're all human, and you can't help caring. Do you still have feelings for him, even though you say you do not want him back?

One of the best things I did was to cut off all ties with the ex except when it came to the kids. You say you are still great friends. If he's certainly moved on and is happy about it, it's only going to cause you grief if you are staying connected to him. I tried to do the friend thing with my ex wife for a long time. I even helped her move out when the relationship between her and the person she lived with didn't work out. But this only ignited more feelings and frustration in the end. Perhaps you need to bring closure by removing yourself from any kind of relationship with him? Keep it strictly business. Only deal with him when it comes to the kids.
Life with Divorce:

A personal blog dedicated to sharing my experiences, lessons learned, and advice on navigating through life after separation and divorce.


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