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#774222 - 01/18/18 07:19 PM How to cope...
Mike11111 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 01/18/18
Posts: 9
Hello all,

I am new to this site and newly divorced, so I figured I would reach out to see if anyone has been in a similar situation and/or can offer some ways to cope.

Just a quick background. My now ex-wife and I started dating about five years ago. At the time, she was towards the end of a 4-5 year abusive relationship, and I was just single and struggling to find someone. Kind of a fairy tale beginning. We began officially dating a few months after her and the ex broke up (this would be March 2013). Great relationship, didn't rush into anything. Got engaged, got an apartment together, got married, etc.

Anyways, about 11 months ago, we got pre-approved to buy a house. Shortly after that, she mentioned she was "unhappy" (and apparently had been for about 5 months at the time) and wanted to do a "trial separation", which kind of blew me away as things seemed to be normal. We had a long talk and decided against it. In June of last year, we purchased a house, things seemed great for a few months and then in August she seemed kind of "down" again. We had a long talk on Labor Day and we, although I was extremely reluctant to do so, agreed to separate. 3 weeks after that (this would be late September), she wants to divorce! She backed down a bit after that, but ultimately filed for divorce in late October. I moved out of the house in early December, divorce was finalized the day after Christmas, and we closed on the house just last Friday (6 days ago). No contact since.

Nothing about this makes sense. I think she has some underlying personal issues but seems like she has been an entirely different person since the separation on Labor Day. And everything just seems to hasty and poorly thought out. I have treated her great since day one and we made a lot of great memories together and everything was falling into place for a future together, and then it just blew up in my face. We both got along great with our in-laws and extended family, had lots of mutual friends, etc. Seems like she gave up an awful lot and did not want to try to reconcile at all.

I had some suspicions of an affair during the fall when we were separated but never mentioned anything. Some of the classic signs were there. Seemed more concerned with her appearance, dressed nicer, who knows where she went at night and on weekends, lots of phone conversations in her car and behind closed doors, etc. And she pretty much had shut me down entirely once we separated.

Sometime in November, a few weeks before I moved out, I was in the bedroom and her phone went off and it was a text message from a guy I had never heard of. I did not read the content of the message, nor did I try to get into her phone, but it seemed a little odd to me. I did not confront her, but told myself to remember that name, as she had been acting peculiar and we were separated and almost divorced at the time.

Flash forward to about two weeks ago, she posted on FB thanking all the people that helped her move into her new apartment and I noticed the same guy's name that I had seen a few months ago. After we closed on the house last Friday, I expressed my concerns and she said there was nothing physical going on during the time we were legally married. She said she "liked him" and that they may eventually date or she may just remain single. To me, it definitely sounds like at best an emotional affair and I am almost certain they are "unofficially" dating now and will be "officially" dating in the next few months.

I am completely devastated as I know this was the girl of my dreams and I know we were meant for each other (I even still feel this way). I don't have any concrete proof, but I would not be surprised if they are dating now or will be soon, and am not naive enough to think there hasn't been any physical contact between them (even though I do believe her that nothing physical happened while we were legally married). I know we are both single now, but if there was an emotional affair going on while we were married, and if that ultimately led to her finalizing the divorce, then I consider that to be cheating. And if that's the case, I never in a million years would have thought she would do that to me, especially given that her ex before me cheated on her.

I'm just having a hard time coping with this and can't wrap my head around any of it. She kind of gave me the runaround and the classic throw away lines (it's not you, it's me. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. You deserve better than me, etc). I am extremely sad and am doing my best to move forward but it's been extremely tough. Like I said, the last time I saw her was 6 days ago and there has been no contact since (with no plans to contact her for a while, if ever). Even though I am very upset with her, I still am madly in love with her, to the point where if she were to message me next week and say she made a huge mistake and wants to reconcile (which would be probably unlikely right now as we live almost 2 hours away from each other), I would probably be receptive.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but just wanted to cover all of my concerns. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has encountered similar behavior, or can even just offer some general advice for the best way to cope with a divorce, that would be great. Everything is still so fresh and raw and I think that's part of why my emotions have been so heightened lately, but any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

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#774225 - 01/19/18 01:46 AM Re: How to cope... [Re: Mike11111]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 880
Exercise, more exercise and hanging with friends or doing activities. Stay away from booze and avoid intimate relationships for a year. By then you will be ready to move on if not sooner. If it takes longer, get a therapist to assist your journey.

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#774347 - 02/16/18 10:55 AM Re: How to cope... [Re: Mike11111]
hellodee Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 1
I went through a similar situation and the first few months were very difficult. My advice would be think about what you value in a relationship. If it is monogamy, loyalty and trust, then you deserve to be with someone that values that also.
It's so easy to get so caught up with all the great things about a person, that sometimes it's hard to accept that there is this one big negative trait that may not be changeable.

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#774494 - 03/28/18 12:53 PM Re: How to cope... [Re: MinnesotaMom]
Mike11111 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 01/18/18
Posts: 9
Thank you for the input! Sorry for the delayed response, I didn't get any kind of notification that someone had replied.

I have been exercising and have lost weight. I try to walk a few times a week (especially now that the weather is getting nicer) and also work a semi-physical job so that's been good. I do socially drink, but typically just a few beers with family/friends and not something where I get isolated and just drink alone or anything. Also have gone to counseling twice so far, no real benefit yet but will continue to go regularly. Also taking medication. Slowly but surely turning a corner. Still some hard days but getting there. Ex definitely is seeing someone else and now I'm not sure I believe her that nothing physical went on while we were married, but just trying to keep my mind away from all that because honestly it doesn't even matter.

I agree with you on the relationship thing. I will say I have dabbled in the online dating thing, but haven't formed any kind of relationship yet, as I don't really want to rush into anything, like my ex did (but i think that is only helping her in the short term. Long term, I think I'll be better off than her).

Thanks again, much appreciated!

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#774495 - 03/28/18 12:59 PM Re: How to cope... [Re: hellodee]
Mike11111 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 01/18/18
Posts: 9
Thanks for the input and I agree! Things are still relatively fresh but time will be ultimate healer I think. The divorce was a little over 3 months ago, the house closing (the last time I saw her in person) was about 2.5 months ago, and the last contact of any sort was when she texted me and wished me a happy birthday in early February, so there has essentially been no contact in 2 months.

Yeah, you are right. She's either a whole new person, or this is the person she truly is and she was basically just going with the flow and being "fake" over the last five years. It's just hard to wrap my head around the fact that we bought a house and she essentially started having an affair a month later. I would like to think karma will pay her a visit. I thought we were on the same page with everything, but apparently not. I just wish I was given a chance to work on things (whatever they were, haha). She hasn't given me anything to work with and has barely apologized and really hasn't even admitted what she did wrong.

Thanks again, much appreciated!

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#774521 - 04/03/18 06:28 AM Re: How to cope... [Re: Mike11111]
ashley1976 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 04/03/18
Posts: 2
Hi Mike,

I hope you are feeling a little bit better now. From the outside looking in it sounds like your ex wife wanted to move on and didn't know how to break it to you. Obviously the other guy was the catalyst she needed, some people can't move on unless they have someone waiting for them in the wings which is cowardly and unfair. But life is anything but fair.
All you can do now is work on your self love, realise that you are worthy regardless of what she is doing and start doing things that you love to do. Keep busy, exercise is vital. I would agree that a good chunk of time is needed before you enter any serious relationships, at least a year.
I've been separated for four years but I just ended an 18 month relationship with someone and I'm hurting at the moment too. He cheated on me and it hurt like hell. But that was 4 months ago and I'm starting to get back to me. I listen a lot to Abraham Hicks and Eckhart Tolle on youtube. It's important not to attach to people or things. Life changes and you have to accept it. Resisting is pointless and makes healing take so much longer. Reading, listening to audio on youtube and a lot of exercise has kept me sane, both straight after my divorce and now with this break up.

Just remember that you are not alone, relationships are cycles and not many are forever. You will love and be loved again.

Arohanui (Much love)
Ashley

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#774562 - 04/14/18 08:33 PM Re: How to cope... [Re: ashley1976]
Mike11111 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 01/18/18
Posts: 9
Hi Ashley,

Thank you so much for the note and kind words. Overall, I'd say I'm doing a bit better. I've had a tremendous amount of support from family and friends, and that has been amazing.

I did get dinner with my ex's best friend and her husband last weekend. They offered a lot of support as well and even they were questioning my ex's decision and were basically saying the guy she is dating is pretty much a replica of the guy she dated before me (and that relationship was a train wreck). So, while I agree it's more important for me to focus on myself and not her, in a sense it is "comforting" for me to know she threw away so much and got back into a relationship that likely will not last. Some people just can't avoid repeating relationship patterns I guess.

I do know deep down the reasons she left really were not, or very little, to do with me because she still has not given me a clear cut reason as to why she was "unhappy". She just started checking out of the marriage after a year and then unfortunately ended it all with an affair (of which she still has yet to admit). It's hard to grasp someone can do that to another person and just casually move on like nothing happened, and not even have the decency to give me a legit apology and to admit what she's done...But I do believe karma will catch her...I am moving to a new place in less than 3 weeks so I think that will be a really big step moving forward.

I'm sorry to hear that you were cheated on but glad you are doing better! I agree with you on waiting to get into a serious relationship. Technically, I've been divorced for about 3.5 months, though really the marriage ended about 7.5 months ago. Just to once more touch on my ex wife, I do think she has a lot of underlying mental/psychological issues and I do think her jumping from relationship to relationship every 4-5 years or so is unhealthy and she is not giving herself any time to process and I feel like this whole thing will blow up in her face at some point...but again, trying to focus on me:)

Thanks again!!
Mike

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