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#774389 - 02/28/18 04:43 PM My story, where do I go from here..
ChristATL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/28/18
Posts: 3
Hello everyone. I am on here as I have been going through the decision process of whether to get a divorce or not. Being a very analytical and logical person I want to do a ton of research.

I am considering pulling the lever and getting a divorce. Why?
Before I start, let me say I am not without my faults and I honestly consider myself a complete failure in this. I am not a self righteous bastard who feels they are walking away as the winner because I believe there isn't any winners in this.

I will try to keep this as short as possible.
We have been married for 15 years. I am in a marriage right now with a wife that is abrasive, verbally ( sometimes physically ) abusive, and always seems to be unhappy with me no matter what. When we started the relationship long ago she was this way as well but I chose to ignore it because despite all that there is some very good things about her.

However, I feel I have done allot for her and this family and what I have gotten in return is basically nothing. I live with her and her mother and when we entered the relationship in 2000 and married in 2003 and I always enjoyed her family.

When her mother got into financial trouble in 2004 I stepped in to save it from foreclosure. When she got into issues again in 2005 I sold my house, bought the mothers, and then we all moved in together. So that was the first instance of doing something like that.

In 2013 when my wife had medical problems, I cashed out my retirement savings, close to 15K, to pay for her surgery to save her life. In 2015 when she wanted to go back to work I paid for her college to get the training in her current profession. That is only the major things that I do. The tertiary things are is that my wife doesn't work a full time job so I am the bread winner who supports her, her mother, plus our 1 child.
This is because I am a god loving person who believes when someone is in trouble, you help.

What have I gotten for all of these things that I have done? I am blamed for every little problem that goes on. But I continue..

The real problems began in 2012. In that year I began to coach youth sports. The reason was at the time we were going through financial hardships and it was decided that I needed to get a second job to compensate. In that regard I decided to take up professional youth coaching instead of getting a job at Mcdonalds or that since coaching was only 1 or 2 days a week and some weekends. To me, a better option. It was tough as there were times where I had games or practices that took away family time such as on the weekends or on weekdays. However, We dealt with it and it was only from Jan - March. The rest of the year I didn't coach at all and was free and clear to spend time with the family.
I have been coaching since that time and have gotten much better at it and now coach at a very big sports club as well as a high school. It is something I enjoy, am good at, and although its not a fortune, provides a good supplementary income.
My coaching has now become the linchpin for my wife to yell about and blame for everything. She gets upset when I am gone to coach a tournament over the 6 weekends out of the year that I do and says "I am never home" Yet seems to ignore the other 46 weekends and 300 days that I am home.

This year it has come to a head on this issue and now this morning she has said flat out I need to give up my coaching job, period.

My thought however, is that my coaching is not the problem because I have given up things in the past because of Ultimatums.
I gave up playing Tennis with my friends when we got married. I gave up watching sports on a Sunday. I have given up jobs before to. I gave up going to movies, I have given up 100 other things in the past that she has sworn in the past "If you just give it up, things will get better.." They never do. The arguing, the fighting, the blaming me for everything doesn't stop.
As mentioned above I also have given up my $$$ and even saved her bloody life, but that doesn't really seem to matter.

Going on.
I love my job. Love to work it, love to go to work, love everything about it. Its a dream job that I enjoy. And I earn a decent income. I was a contractor for 7 years at my job but last year there was a policy change at my work where I was forced to either resign or become a permanent employee. Yes it would mean a pay cut but I would also get access to many many benefits like pensions, medical benefits, etc.. Long story short I decided to go permanent and I had to go through a lot of hoops to get that. Throughout that whole process, my wife was NOT supportive of anything and continues to be upset about it. Why? Because my pay dropped by $200/month. Now she hates where I work and says I should find something else and constantly complains that I work for a bunch of greedy people who don't pay their staff right. Which I totally disagree with. After all, the alternative was instead of a 1 or 2% paycut, a 100% paycut, giving up a job I love, me out of a job and having to look for work.
So that's another point of major contention that has popped up in the recent months. She now complains to friends and her family that we are in poverty because of my decision to go permanent.
She doesn't know what poverty is. I grew up in a household where we had nothing for a very long time. There was Xmasses were we didn't get very many presents. Days when all there was to eat was bread and some peanut butter. We had one TV, one phone, and sometimes even had to go without water or electricity because we couldn't afford to pay the bill. By contrast she grew up in a very affluent setting with maids to cater to her every need.
We currently have a 5 bedroom house, 3 cars, 4 TV's, internet, 5 cell phones, and everything is paid every month on time. Yet we are now in poverty and struggling? Does anyone see my point of view on this? That her statements about my job and our lifestyle is completely ridiculous and outrageous to the point of being offensive?

Another, but certainly not the only thing, is her constant badgering of me. When I come home she will complain about when I arrived as being too late. If I leave a napkin on the counter I will get a 15 minute lecture about how untidy I am. Despite the fact that she will leave her shoes on the floor and demands, not asks, that I pick them up and put them away for her. She has said repeatedly that is a husbands job.
Despite the fact that when I get up in the morning I have a "List" of things that I must do, these are..
Make the bed, feed and take the dog for a walk, empty the dishwasher, sift and clean the catbox, sweep the floor( vacuum if necessary ), Make coffee for the mother in law and bring it to her bedside, sometimes I also make her breakfast, Get the school bag for the daughter and make sure that is on the counter. Miss even ONE of those things or don't do it right, I will get a call on the way to work with her shouting at me about the 1 thing I missed, along with another monologue about how I don't help and leave her to do everything. Ignoring the 20 other things I did right, she will complain about that 1 little chore I missed. She does her part by getting the child up and dressed making her breakfast and taking her to school. My complaint is not about the chores as I believe a working household requires everyone to do their part. My complaint is the lack of any appreciation for any of it. I have done much much more that I also do not get any support for.
That is only the TIP of the iceberg on that.

We have a daughter together whom I love with all my heart but my wife is and has turned the daughter against me. ( just one example ) I love volleyball and played it as a child, my wife was a swimmer and dancer. When it came time and I suggested taking her try a bit of volleyball she got upset. She then enrolled her in swimming and what do you think my daughter does now? Not complaining about what she plays but its the manner in which it went down. My wife put her into HER sport and anything I wanted the child to try out was quickly rejected. That is not the only thing. I am pushed out of decisions on school, extracurricular activities, and much more. I am also barred from discipline of any sort. A particular time I intervened when the child was having a melt down about not getting a candy, I got physically shoved aside yelled at by the mother and then she slapped me for daring to yell at her child. Her words. When the child acts up I actually do not say anything anymore because if I do, I will get the mother bear attack.

Then there is a criminal trouble she has gotten into that she has gotten arrested for. I bailed her out in those instances and paid close to $4k in legal fees to work that out. Which by the way she blames me for because she claims I "emotionally" forced her to commit the illegal act.

Overall my point is, I woke up this morning and after she said that about my coaching I just thought to myself, I am tired of giving and getting barely anything in return. I have given up money, time, effort, and friends even, yet have gotten very little for it. Now I am asked to give up something else as she sees that now as the primary issue and I am just looking in the mirror going, "Is this really going to solve the problem?" The answer is obviously no because I have done this in the past and it hasn't changed things.

Its not been all bad, we have done some awesome things together and despite those issues this is a very difficult decision for me to make.
Yet i am tired of fighting and getting blamed as being the only one at fault. She only has a part time job yet she constantly says she doesn't need me, and my response is I feel like then let her deal with life without me then. I would love to see her go out, get a real full time job, support herself on that plus whatever child support she would get from me.

I love my daughter to death and would do a lot for her but she is now acting out in terrible ways. Screaming at me, back talking, and flat out dis-respect.

We have not been intimate in over 2 years. I am partially if not fully to blame on that because it is just the way she approaches me. There's no love, no affection, no caring. I feel no passion or even desire for her in that manner. The thought of being intimate with her actually turns me off completely. Not because of her looks, because she is stunningly beautiful, but her outward hostility toward me just makes me detest her.

I don't dissolve myself of blame. I have done many terrible things myself. No cheating of any kind but I have lied in the past. There are times where I have missed activities for the child because of my coaching job. I have also made some financial mistakes that have put us into debt. When she asks me to do things around the house I will often moan or groan at doing them if I am tired. I do play video games and the like. I fully admit to my failures as a husband. No buts on that.

Divorce means many things that will end which I don't want to. I am very close to her family and her siblings are like my family. I have given money to them in times of need and have done many things for them as well. I enjoy our holidays and vacations that we have all spent together as a family doing. I have painted a very dark picture but there is some good. Yet here we are..

We have tried counseling before but when we did go she left the counselor upset because the therapist told her the things that she was doing wrong. My wife unfortunately believes that everything that is happening in the marriage is all my fault. She went into that therapy room looking for vindication but when the therapist gave us a list of wrongs for both me AND her, that was the end of the marriage counseling and instead demanded that I go on my own.

I am just at my wits end here. I don't see how me giving up more is going to change anything.
So why am I here?
I don't have any friends to talk to because she doesn't allow me to have any. I don't have my own family to turn to because she has alienated me from them. So I only have this.
I just need to hear something. For someone to read my story and maybe offer feedback, or even tell me that I am wrong for even thinking of divorce. I am at the bridge ready to cross it yet I find myself completely terrified to do so even knowing that it is the right thing to do.

#774396 - 03/01/18 01:32 PM Re: My story, where do I go from here.. [Re: ChristATL]
bridlion49 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/01/18
Posts: 1
Hi I read your post and I have compassion for your situation. I have been facing divorce coming up on two years now and I thought we were solid and I felt blindsided when my soon-to-be-ex chose to verbally end our marriage of nearly nine years one morning at the kitchen table because she had met someone and felt her heart had become a free agent. I identify with your sacrificing and giving up because I turned my back on everyone for my wife including my own mother and I became alienated although from my own family although I know they really love me and support me and see how my wife wasn't supportive of so many things of my life. I wanted her back even after she had been in 2 relationships since verbally ending our marriage and I just got off the phone with her a few hours ago and felt my heart still wishing she would want me but in the truth is she just does not want me and we have two girls ages 4 and 8 the Hearts Dream of mine come to life. When my ex initially decided to verbally end our marriage I felt I had no choice but to comply as I have always been submissive in everything in attempts to please her which has never worked. In her parting words she accused me of being codependent which still bewillders me to this day because I thought a marriage was a blur of boundary lines that you have to tow one another's weaknesses but she doesn't feel this way. My situation is slightly different because she is the breadwinner and I have a learning disability I had not ever been aware of until my older daughter was diagnosed with autism so apparently I am on the Spectrum myself. This accounts for the way I talk to as this is a voice to text at 5 in the morning and I just speak from my heart and I'm very authentic but it overwhelms people and I get it. Anyways the big point I was going to tell you is that in my coming to terms with my impending divorce is that this whole idea of married for life I think is made up. I have always gone to church my whole life but I did finally walk away from religion about 5 years ago but that doesn't mean I am detached from God I do not believe anything can take you from God's hands. We did this together and she is still in spiritual Pursuits which is unsettling to me now because she's talking about taking our youngest daughter and moving to another country so that she can help Elevate the consciousness of mankind to another level. So whatever her Ambitions are they seem to be hacking at the base of our marriage in the most destructive way because the last thing I ever dreamed of was losing my daughter. The younger one is neurotypical in other words a normal kid who talks the older one doesn't talk and my ex doesn't feel a connection to her and has to forcibly forgive herself everyday that she doesn't really want to be involved in her life which also bewilders me because how can you not care for your own kid and want to think and do everything for them so that they have your full support and attention. So I am here with my non-verbal autistic daughter and the ex is about to do motions to take away my other child who I constantly give child care for and loves me dearly and I have not signed any divorce papers yet but I do have some inheritance which I'm thinking about using for the purpose of Defending my case. I guess my point for giving you feedback is it helped me to read your story because I see that I'm not the only one suffering in such drastic ways.

#774397 - 03/01/18 04:51 PM Re: My story, where do I go from here.. [Re: ChristATL]
ChristATL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/28/18
Posts: 3
Thank you Brid for your story. I relate to you in more ways than you think. I have 2 nephews and an older Uncle with severe cases of autism and mild forms Asperger's syndrome. 1 of those also has schitzo. All of them live in special needs homes. I also have learning disabilities which I had therapy when I was young to deal with it and thankfully can function well without.
So it is good to hear from fellow people who are in my situation.

I think that is more of what I was looking for. Just something to say that this is, while not a good thing, its at least not unique.

We only have one daughter and while I love her, I am not quite as sorrowful that she will probably be with the mom as primary custody. My wife has done everything she can to basically push me out of every decision possible for her. From what sports she plays to which movies she goes to. I have little to no say in anything that has to do with our child to the point I don't even feel she is my child anymore. Sad as that seems but it is true. The only thing we relate on is theme parks as both my daughter an I love roller coasters and she is as fearless as I am about them. Even at 10 she will ride the scariest tallest things in the parks and I love that about her. It is unfortunately the only thing we really relate to.

My last thought that I keep trying to get through to her is that the situation of me working two jobs and being away from home is NOT unique. My wife will often point out other marriages including her own brothers marriage as model examples and that they are always home, yada yada yada. The ole "Why can't you be like them.." Except that's not really true. I feel like saying back "Why can't you be like their wives and not yell at me for every little thing wrong?"
Other fathers/husbands etc.. have coaching jobs, two jobs, primary jobs and sometimes 3 jobs that take away family time yet they seem to stay together just fine. Not in my wife's screwed up fantasy world apparently.

I think if I asked her what her dream of a husband would be she would say one who is at home 24/7 365 catering to her every need, earning a million bucks a month, that takes her on vacations every other week. Unless my name is Brad pitt I don't think that's going to happen. So I will never live up to her expectations, ever and I don't feel the need to continue to keep trying. My dream of a wife would just be one that doesn't shout at me for every little thing.

The other thing I forgot to mention is that she, or rather her mother, controls all the money. Pays all the accounts, and manages the accounts. Not really a problem in my mind, one less thing to worry about. But get this as to why this is messed up.
My wife will often site how her sisters husband is always taking her on vacations to some exotic place. Despite the fact that he earns double what I make, I say I have asked and usually the response I get from the mother is that there is no money and then I get a lecture about my, to quote her, "piss poor job.."
Again, no appreciation there at all.

Oye so many problems.


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