Hi--I'm new--first post. I have been divorced since Feb 2017. My ex married his affair partner (that he started binge drinking with after 19 years of sobriety) while we were married.
Not having been married to him while he had a drinking problem and not being around alcoholics in my life I didn't understand the severity of his problem.
He had been abusive in our marriage---but more on the verbal/psychological side (calling me profane names in front of our kids and lots of gaslighting) he shoved me a couple times, once while I was holding our infant daughter.
After he finally admitted to the affair (the woman he married three months after our divorce) he begged me to stay saying "You have no idea how much alcohol was involved!" Although I was concerned about our kids being alone with him--I agreed to 50/50 parent plan as long as he agreed to granting me sole legal custody. It was a huge mistake.
Eight months after our divorce he got arrested after witnesses saw him straddling our oldest son (12 at the time) in a campground and scream in his face and later hit him with a close fist in the torso. He was intoxicated and had taken our four kids and his four step kids on a camping trip---both he and his wife admitted to having 'a few beers' while the kids (ages 2-12) played by and in the river. This was just two weeks after he slashed my tires in a drunken rage. I filed for immediate danger for my kids and was denied it due to not enough evidence.
We ended up in court 8-months later and because the witness testimony by then wasn't clear and he took voluntary UA's (to test for alcohol) for 6 of those months the judge decided as long as he agreed to 6 more months of UA's AND an anger management class he could keep 50% parenting. I was devastated and felt powerless to protect my kids from the risk I knew they were in daily with him and his wife. Meanwhile my ex and his wife's behavior toward me got a lot uglier as soon as court was over.
Well 6 weeks after getting the court order to a clean 50/50 split (before I had my toddler and preschooler each day on his weeks for a couple hours) he picked up our 11 year old from school and hit 2 mailboxes on his way home. A witness called the police (he didn't even pause when he hit them--shattering the thick wooden posts) and they measured his alocohol level at .16 which is double the legal limit. It was 3:30PM when he drove into a school zone that intoxicated, put our 11 year old in the car and drove home to our 3 year old daughter he left home alone. This time when I filed for immediate danger I was granted it.
My older two boys were furious at me as their dad has made good on his promise to "poison the kids against" me and "teach them to hate" me. Last year after the incident by the river he became the most loving indulgent father to my two oldest---giving them smart phones and spoiling them.
I have had the kids full time since May and he has been allowed supervised visits only per the judges order. I agreed to let his parents be the supervisors. They are elderly and couldn't do it more than twice a week though. My kids were emotionally struggling and hurting and so I agreed (with a lot of stipulations) to allow his wife to be a supervisor with limited capacity (she can't drive the kids--has to do video check-ins after two hours).The scoff at this and although they do it--it's only with a lot of mocking (comparing me to North Korea's leader and Hitler) and condescending snide remarks.
They are working hard on my older two kids---disneylanding them and each time I act like a mom (enforcing bedtimes, making them help with household stuff,not letting them eat junk for every meal etc.) they call their dad and step-mom and are reinforced in their rebellion. I am working hard to learn new parenting strategies with my children's counselor and seeing a personal counselor
. My ex and his wife send me texts and emails slamming me that I am this crazy co-dependent ex who is just trying to control everyone and how crazy it is that I was granted immediate danger because NO ONE loses their kids for a DUI. They tell me (and my older kids repeat to me) how dramatic I am for doing what I have done and how sad it is that I am destroying my relationship with the kids just to have power over them....
I honestly guess I'm looking for some validation in this forum. I find it hard to believe that other parents wouldn't act as I have in this case and file for immediate danger to protect their children lives. They seem to think most 'normal' parents would have just let the legal system be the consequences through the arrest and jail time he served....? What do you think?
Mom of Four
Divorced but still in the thick....