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#775006 - 11/11/18 09:11 PM I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die
JimmyL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 11/10/18
Posts: 5
Hello, I'm new here. This is mostly just to vent, I guess, but it might help me or someone else. I married my wife 21 years ago, when she told me she was pregnant. I was brought up to believe that was my obligation. She lived in the northwest of England, where they are all factory workers or on the dole. I met her thru a correspondence club (dateing club). She came over and stayed with me for a week or two and of course told me she was on birth control pills. She went back over there, and I thought I would never see her again, until she called about 3 months later and told me she was pregnant. So, I was 41 at the time, and thought this might be my last chance to have a family. She came back here to VA, we got married, and I vowed to keep this child until he was 21, because I lost my first child - a daughter, to divorce previously (of course I saw her regularly and paid child support). Since then, I have been living in hell. She's never hugged or kissed me. She has beaten me and been arrested for domestic violence, and aborted what would have been our second child against my strongest wishes because she didn't want the trouble. Oh yeah, she never held a job until I retired after 40 years of working. That was about 3 years ago, after 19 years of marriage. Now, she has hired the most expensive lawyer she could find, and my lawyer keeps telling me that I should have left her after the abuse, I should have left her after the abortion, I shouldn't have bought her nice things or cars, or taken her on vacations, because now I will have to pay more to keep her in her lifestyle, and I will be paying her alimony until I die or even after I die - I'm 63 now. I'm sure her plan was for me to die, so she could get my life insurance and my pension. I don't care much about the property, the house, etc., but the alimony really galls me. All I want is to retire to a 55+ community in a condo and not have to cut the grass and take care of the house and pay all these bills for things she wants, that I don't want and never have.
No good deed goes unpunished, as they say. If I had only been a thug and an ingrate like those people where she came from, I wouldn't have this problem now. Thanks for reading.


Edited by JimmyL (11/11/18 09:23 PM)
Edit Reason: Correct an error

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#775206 - 02/17/19 09:09 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
JimmyL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 11/10/18
Posts: 5
Okay, so I've paid thousands of dollars to my attorney and thousands to hers. I've provided both attorneys with my tax returns (joint) for the past five years, every bank account info, every investment info as far back as they go, my 401(k) info forever, my annuity info since day one, info on every dime I ever made - and this was 3 or 4 months ago. And I'm still living the nightmare. I'm paying the mortgage the 2nd mortgage, the credit cards, the mobile phones, the car bills - everything. My lawyer just tells me he can't get any response from her lawyer. Is this a free country ? I feel like they are all standing around waiting for me to die or do something stupid. I just want out. I want to enjoy what's left of my life while I still can. Right now I feel like a captive to a monster snoring in the master bedroom. I inhabit a small bedroom when I'm not out of the house walking around somewhere to stay away while she is sprawled on the Lazy Boy sofa watching the big screen TV. Ever see the movie Flushed Away ? I have a beligerent squatter that won't go away, and this is/was my house that she has never contributed a dime to. I can't afford to move out because I will be held responsible for all the current bills, which are almost beyond my means now. That's one of the reasons I want a divorce. Do I have any rights ? Or do I have to live the rest of my life in this nightmare and continue to pay for all these things that I don't want and keep up this house ?

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#775214 - 02/22/19 07:34 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 969
Start by reducing expenses. Cut off cable and her phone. Cancel all extras. Open a new bank account (in a different bank) and deposit all your money there so she has no access it. Pay all the bills from there. You buy the groceries and put gas in her tank. Give her an allowance of perhaps $50/month. If she wants extras, she will have to get a job.

Also, sell the extra car, boat, ect.

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#775220 - 02/23/19 11:23 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
JimmyL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 11/10/18
Posts: 5
Thanks for the response. It seems most of the posts on here are about women's divorce issues. I have opened a separate bank account for myself, and am paying the bills from there. I can't sell "her" car because she does have a job now, although it only pays about $15 an hour. It seems she got this job after I retired to give herself something to do while she is waiting for me to die off. I don't know if I mentioned it, but her mother went through 2 husbands (they died) and is still traveling the world on their retirement / annuities.
I believe my lawyer told me that I can file for divorce after we have been separated 6 months - and that can be in the same house, if we don't share anything, and we don't. Because of course, I can't afford to move out - unless I live in my car. I made a point of telling him we have been living separate lives since last Halloween (and really before that), so I am practically counting the days until 6 months is up. If the lawyer gives me some excuse after that, I don't know what I will do. The house is the only little bit of equity I/we have left. The bills keep mounting up and she just keeps acting like nothing is wrong.

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#775251 - 03/06/19 09:13 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 969
What is your retirement income compared to what her income is or would be full time ($15 x 2080 hours = $31,200).

It looks like you can file for legal separation at 6 months, but divorce is a year.

Whatever you do, don't sleep in the same bed even 1 night....it resets the clock to day 1 of separation.

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#775258 - 03/08/19 08:56 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
JimmyL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 11/10/18
Posts: 5
Well, I retired with 40 years of service from the federal government, and my retirement income is about 3 times what she makes. There are no worries about me sleeping in the same bed with her. That hasn't happened in years. I was under the impression that if no minor children were involved, I could file for divorce in 6 months, if we have been living separately for 6 months. Thanks for the reply.

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#775259 - 03/08/19 10:22 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 969
You are correct in that you file after 6 months. Don't pay anymore of her attorney fees. She will most likely be ordered to pay her own. Plus, if you continue to pay, it sets a status quo that you can afford it and they may lay all of it on you.


Alimony is probably a certainty. Do you have significant assets? Alimony is negotiable, so it's possible to pay up front in assets or cash and be done with it forever. It's the route I would want to take.

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#775262 - 03/09/19 09:33 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
JimmyL Offline
recently joined

Registered: 11/10/18
Posts: 5
Thanks for the response. As far as assets go, it's not a whole lot since I have refinanced a few times to support a life style that most people around here live with two incomes. I would be happy to pay up front to avoid paying forever, I hope that is an option. At this point, nothing seems to be happening, and my lawyer tells me he is trying to get her and her lawyer to negociate, but gets no response. I tell myself that my time living separately will count, and that the best time to sell the house is in the spring or early summer anyway to keep some hope alive.

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#775263 - 03/10/19 06:42 PM Re: I Served My Time, Now I Pay 'til I die [Re: JimmyL]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 969
I sent you a PM. There should be a flashing icon near the top of the page.

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